Everyone, freak the f*** out. (Diliff, Wikimedia Commons)

We haven’t talked in a long time. Last time you saw me I was trying to ride out the sequester on baked beans and canned peaches. I’m back with more bad news; did you know the sky is falling?

You may have missed it because none of the usual signs are there but it's definitely happening. Just trust me. The sky is 100 percent, unequivocally falling right now. I’m just glad we had time for NASA to re-attach it to the atmosphere after the sequester brought it down. So take a break from imagining president Obama wandering the West Wing sans pants because he knows no one can get a tour, and listen to how bad this is going to be.

This is the 18th government shutdown in the last 27 years and is entirely because the Republican Party wouldn’t compromise on their demands for passing a budget.

What’s that Diary? Don’t be silly, of course the other side doesn’t have to compromise on anything; you don’t have to do that after you win. Anyway, don’t worry Diary, we haven’t had a budget in the last four years anyway.We usually just pass continuing resolutions that allow us to spend money without having a budget—you know, exactly the example we like to set for the average American family.

Government shutdown sounds pretty bad if you ask me. I mean, shutdown? I remember when my mom had to shut down her business a couple years ago. It was just lights out, game over, drive home safely; that sounds like a pretty big deal if the electricity isn’t working at the capitol and all that happens after today (I’m kidding, obviously our government officials have personal drivers). Oh, that’s not what happens? It turns out some 800,000 of the 2.9 million federal employees will be put on furlough until the lights go back on. But hold on… don’t Republicans traditionally want a smaller government? I don’t know Diary, this seems to be right up that alley; lets just hope no one talks about it.

But good news Diary! That IRS audit I’ve been Wesley Snipes-ing for the last couple of years? Suspended. That social security check my grandmother is receiving? Suspended. Wait. No. It’s not suspended. She still gets her social security. Even better, I still get my mail, a passport, any patent I feel like applying for and, on top of all that, my food is still going to be inspected to make sure its safe. Huzzah!

You’re right Diary, those seem a little inconsequential next to social security and other benefits that keep us going day to day. So why don’t we take a closer look at those? Its not like I have anything else to do; I’m just a regular non-government employee without a taxpayer-guaranteed pension. For the sake of space and your well-being Diary I’ll just run through the programs that will still be operational and helping those recently destitute furloughed federal employees: disaster relief, social security, unemployment, food stamps, federal school lunch programs, veterans pensions (until the end of the month), the tax collection division of the IRS, President Obama’s salary, congressional salaries, military salaries, Obamacare, illegal drone strikes on US civilians and the NSA stealing all of my information. 

Whoops. I got carried away with those last two. They don’t actually happen, remember? I just have one last question Diary: how can Obamacare still be funded if this whole debate was over Republicans not wanting it to be enacted? Well it turns out the bill is funded by mandatory spending, not annual appropriations. 

There’s good news for you though, healthcare-hating Diary. It turns out this new online marketplace Obamacare is going to rely on doesn’t actually work… So far it’s been incapable of accurately determining the subsidies lower income buyers will get to help them pay for insurance. On top of that, it has had major glitches in allowing both small businesses and individuals to sign up. I guess that’s what happens when the tests were supposed to start months ago and didn’t. Don’t worry though; I’m sure those 2.9 million government employees had better things to do than making sure things work the way they’re supposed to.

So Diary, to recap: everyone but national park enthusiasts will go about their week the same as always, 800,000 federal employees will join the still employed TSA in totally standing around, someone should make sure Nicholas Cage doesn’t steal the declaration of independence and Obamacare is doing its best DMV impression in using an online operating system. Are we sure it's too late for Jeff Bezos to buy the government? 

Contact Calum Hayes here, follow him here.