In a recently (well-written) opinion column on Neon Tommy, writer Sara Newman claimed that divorce is a right, not a crime. She pointed to our general attitude about divorce - that divorce means failure and it should be avoided - and opined that we are seeing divorce the wrong way. Rather, we should recognize that individuals grow over the course of a marriage, and in her opinion, that growth doesn’t always have to take place together.

Ms. Newman is in fact right; sometimes in marriage two people don’t grow together as they had hoped to. She makes the point that maybe we look at marriage all the wrong way. She raises the idea that we should accept marriage as a one-time love that we hope will last, but one that doesn’t actually have to be a “forever love.” Where I cannot agree with her is in her assessment of why two people should get divorced. In her column, she mentions that the divorce rate could be “as low as 35-40 percent.” As low as? While that 40 percent may not be the 50 we often hear, I struggle to see 40 percent of children growing up having to shuttle from one home to the other every week as a reality deserving of the phrase “as low as.”

Having read Ms. Newman’s article numerous times, I can’t help but disagree wholeheartedly with her assessment of divorce. I will start by saying that I don’t think divorce should be illegal; if it were, both of my parents would be in jail. There are in fact plenty of situations that call for one partner leaving the other. However, I do think Ms. Newman’s attitude toward divorce speaks to this nation's mindset about many things, a mindset that is driving us away from our dream of “American excellence.”

We used to be a country that built things. Whether Ford trucks or the Empire State building, we were a group of people that made things the world looked upon with envy and admiration. We were a nation that built things to last. We don’t build things anymore. We expect everyone else to build things for us while we, to quote Ms. Newman, “do whatever (we) must in order to attain the optimum level of happiness and fulfillment.”

Those things we used to build? They endured, and continue to do so. The things we build today? They crumble and fall apart, much like the marriages Ms. Newman is so ready to stand in support of. It is time we stop always trying to take the easy way out. I will agree with Ms. Newman that when someone says “I do,” they are making a commitment about a future they could never forecast. Unfortunately for Ms. Newman, what she is referring to is not marriage. She may believe that there should not be a stigma on those who leave a marriage because they are simply unhappy, but how could there not be? When we stand at that altar we agree to be with someone until death do us part. We don’t agree to love someone until we don’t feel like it anymore or until his or her sex drive disappears; we agree to love him or her for the duration.

Divorce should not be illegal, but neither should it be glorified just because we are looking for our next quick happiness fix. We can either accept statements such as “as low as 35-40 percent,” or we can remember what made this country great. We can accept that when a relationship isn’t going perfectly it makes sense to pull the ripcord, or we can remember that the wonders of this nation were not built without sacrifice and struggle. What made this nation and her people beautiful is that we built things to stand the test of time. Through natural disaster and trying times, our monuments have stood strong. It is time we remembered what made us great, what allowed us to build those monuments; and then remember that marriage used to be one of them.

 

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