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Katie has advised me to do the intro, and keeping in mind that we don't want to scare away too many readers, I bid you all welcome. You may (or may not) remember us from our illustrious and groundbreaking work liveblogging the Emmy Awards. We come to you live from the strangely multicolored, mass-produced Neon Tommy newsroom carpet, which has been called "speckled" and "disgusting" by some of our senior editors. 

I plan to play Oscars Bingo, and you can follow along with one of these Bingo cards from "The Tonight Show." My editor suggested shots, because there's definitely no way that can go wrong. We are your go-to place for snippity sarcasm, thinly-veiled threats of extreme violence and me multitasking playing "Team Fortress 2" and "Legend of Zelda" while liveblogging, because I'm an adult.

Katie Buenneke likes movies a lot. She's seen more of the nominated movies than she had seen TV shows nominated at the Emmys last fall, so you can count on her to be incredibly pretentious about the films that she has seen. She's still incredibly bitter that "Short Term 12" received NO Oscar nominations, and will likely complain about this whenever possible. She's pulling for Bobby Lopez to win the Best Song for "Let it Go" from "Frozen" because theater people are the best people, it's a fact. Also, it'll be super rad if he goes EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony) in a decade and is the youngest winner (Rita Moreno currently holds the record, she was 45 when she won. Lopez is 39).

Christine Bancroft does not like anything, except grammar, tea and the inevitable heat death of the universe. Most of—sorry, I got distracted by Benedict Cumberbatch on the red carpet; I guess I like him too—she has seen most of the films, and is pulling for Actual Disney Princess Lupita Nyong'o for the Oscar. She is frightened by E!'s red carpet ManiCam and likes making jokes that people find unsettling.

Katie, 4:29PM PST: Jennifer Lawrence just fell. I still love her. Maybe she's drunk. I still love her. (However I'm definitely pulling for Lupita Nyong'o to win tonight.)

Christine, 4:36: Why is Ryan Seacrest so orange? Why is Giuliana Rancic so orange? Why does Amy Adams' dress have a dorsal fin? Why is any of this happening? I don't understand the red carpet.

Katie, 4:39: Cate Blanchett may have stolen her red carpet dress from the Sochi Olympics figure skaters. But I still love her.

Christine, 4:39: Why is "Jennifer Lawrence falling" not on my Oscar bingo card?

Katie, 4:44: I'm hoping that we get to see Leonardo DiCaprio reprise this dance move in person at the ceremony.

Guest snark from Colin Hale, Associate News Editor, 4:47: The only thing dumber than "Gravity" is Ryan Seacrest.

Katie, 4:51: I just wandered around the office looking for Cheetos and have returned vanquished.

Christine, 4:52: Jennifer Lawrence, showing us her incredible ability to blend in with the red carpet. Like a chameleon with an Oscar. 

Christine, 4:54: Anne Hathaway looks like the ceiling of the Louvre Museum. 

Katie, 4:58: Wow Giuliana really does look like an Oompa Loompa. That's unfortunate.

Christine, 5:01: Giuliana looks like she rolled in the dust of the Cheetos that Katie isn't eating.

Katie, 5:02: #sorrynotsorry. On a happier note, Lupita Nyong'o is so pretty. Just so so so pretty.

Christine, 5:04: Her headband looks like the tiara she should have for being queen of the Earth.

Katie, 5:06: Julia Roberts is a 90s rom-com star who has aged gracefully. Unlike Meg Ryan (but seriously, Meg Ryan's plastic surgery makes me so sad).

Christine, 5:06: Jimmy Kimmel looks like he woke up for Sunday brunch a bit too late.

Katie, 5:07: This bit will only be worth it if Jimmy Kimmel "accidentally" sets himself on fire while twerking.

Katie, 5:11: He did not. Alas. Go back to your theater across the street, please, Mr. Kimmel.

Katie, 5:12: Divergent! Divergent! DIVERGENT.

Katie, 5:15: Jeremy Renner looks sharp in a tux. Not digging the scruff, though. Oh well. A man can only be so close to perfection.

Christine, 5:16: I want to lick him to claim him as my own. 

Katie, 5:17: Sandra Bullock went to high school near me. Fun fact: she went to the "Remember the Titans" high school.

Katie, 5:18: Aaaaaand Christine just spilled Sprite all over herself. And her laptop. Which she promptly dropped on the floor. She's taken to calling her laptop "sweetheart" and "honey." She cannot be trusted with anything.

Christine, 5:22: He's okay. He's okay. Cody's great, you're fine, sweetheart. (Cody is my laptop's name. He is my boyfriend. He sleeps at the end of my bed and everything.)

Christine: 5:23: I think it was karma for Giuliana Rancic. 

Katie, 5:26: These Oscars are produced by the "Smash" producers. So you know they'll be great.

Katie, 5:26: That being said, every single episode of "Smash" was infinitely more realistic than this week's episode of "Glee." Really, though.

Christine, 5:30: Coming to you live from Lake Los Angeles. A minor downpour is reason to call for a state of emergency. 

Katie, 5:31: Ellen's neck thing reminds me of Ben Franklin.

Christine, 5:33: Excuse you, it's called a cravat. 

Katie, 5:33: My mother just texted me to let me know that Sandra Bullock did not, in fact go to the "Remember the Titans" high school. My apologies, Ms. Bullock.

Katie, 5:35: Amy Adams is such a Disney princess. Not just in "Enchanted," but also in real life. She's so kind. Also can we just talk about how she's had so many nominations and no wins? She's like the hipster Leonardo DiCaprio.

Katie, 5:38: Bruce Dern's hair looks like a cloud. I just want to pet it.

Katie, 5:39: I'm still shocked that we live in a world with two-time Oscar nominee Jonah Hill.

Katie, 5:40: Anne Hathaway's boobs are just so sparkly.

Christine, 5:42: I do not like Michael Fassbender's die bearden. 

Katie, 5:42: I still can't get over how white Jonah Hill's teeth were in "The Wolf of Wall Street." Or how curly Bradley Cooper's hair was in "American Hustle." Maybe he was getting in character to play a poodle.

Katie, 5:43: And in news surprising absolutely no one, Jared Leto wins Best Supporting Actor.

Christine, 5:44: Does Jared Leto's brother have the deathly hallows tattooed on his neck?

Katie, 5:45: Ellen just selfied. And said she's "blessed." Is she a fan of AnnoyingActorFriend too?!

Guest snark from Kelly Hanelt, Senior Entertainment Editor: 5:48: I feel like Jim Carrey just makes everyone feel really uncomfortable.

Christine, 5:49: They are likely making a "Shrek 5." When will the madness stop? When will the tyranny end? We will never be safe. May God have mercy on our souls. 

Katie, 5:50: Remember when there was a fifth nominee for Best Song and then they took it out of contention cause it was totally shady? Me too.

Katie, 5:51: But why are there no Minions involved? "Happy" is from "Despicable Me 2."

Katie, 5:52: ALL OF THOSE DANCE MOVES

Christine, 5:53: If Jennifer Lawrence had stood up to dance, she would have fallen and taken Pharrell with her.

Katie, 5:55: I've just discovered that we have a jug of wine in the office. Hmm.

Christine: 5:56: Naomi Watts is movin' and she will leave Sam Jackson in her dust if she has to. 

Katie, 5:56: Best discovery of the night (even better than the jug of wine): Benedict Cumberbatch apparently photobombed U2 on the red carpet.

Christine, 5:57: Don't even look at me.

Christine, 6:00: I'm going to make that photobomb my profile picture.

Christine, 6:01: Adruitha Lee is the make-up nominee for "12 Years a Slave." What a name. Wow. I am naming every single one of my future children Adruitha. 

Christine, 6:02: My family almost hit Harrison Ford with our car once in Wyoming. In our defense, he was jaywalking and didn't look both ways.

Katie, 6:04: Channing Tatum was far and away the best part of "This is the End."

Christine, 6:04: Channing Tatum looks like a thumb.

Guest snark from Kelly, 6:10: Jared Leto is my hair icon.

Christine, 6:14: The winners for "Mr. Hublot," the Best Animated Short Film, are so cute. He's shaking. The entire office just "awwww'd" at him. I swear to God. (It was so good, though. It so deserved to win.)

Katie, 6:15: FROZEN FROZEN FROZEN YAYYYYYYY THEATER PEOPLE WINNING THINGS THIS MAKES ME HAPPY!

Katie & Christine, 6:16: Jennifer Lee co-directed "Frozen." Women directors! Yes!

Katie, 6:17: I aspire to be Bill Murray when I grow up. Or Beyonce. Or maybe both. At the same time.

Katie, 6:19: Gregory Peck was very fine.

Christine, 6:19: Gregory Peck was my grandfather's college roommate.

Katie, 6:20: The office cannot handle the adorableness that is JGL and Emma Watson on stage. Together.

Katie, 6:21: Can we just take a second to appreciate how fantastic "Iron Man 3" was? Cause it was GREAT.

Christine, 6:23: Is Zefron bringing back the fauxhawk from 2003? 

Christine, 6:24: An aspiration? Really Zac Efron? English teachers and editors everywhere shake their fists at the screen, screaming, "INSPIRATION! INSPIRATION!"

Katie, 6:24: "The Moon Song" is so cute. But I still want "Let It Go" to win.

Katie, 6:25: Who's doing the sound right now? The people who consistently mess it up for the Tonys?

Christine, 6:29: "Disney? Started in a garage. Pixar, started in a garage." Wow. Garages must be creative and inspirational places. 

Katie, 6:30: I've only seen one of the live-action shorts, but I'll be quite sad if "Avant de Tout Perdre" ["Just Before Losing Everything"] doesn't win. It's haunting and amazing.

Katie, 6:31: Martin Freeman was in a nominated short? And "Avant de Tout Perdre" didn't win? I'm shocked on two very different levels.

Christine, 6:36: "Anybody hungry?" Not Kristen Bell, because it turns out she actually did have a burrito in her clutch.

Katie, 6:38: Aw, cute! The background singers have won an Oscar, for Best Documentary Feature. Remember that time Beyonce played a back-up singer in "Dreamgirls"?

Katie, 6:39: There is a woman singing on the stage. I don't know why, but let's just go with it.

Katie, 6:42: I just really want to be best friends with Tom Hanks.

Katie, 6:44: And the lesson we can all take away from this year's Oscars is, "when in doubt, play John Williams scores."

Christine, 6:45: Wowee, Harry Potter.

Katie, 6:46: "SHORT TERM 12" JUST MADE A SPLIT-SECOND APPEARANCE! Narrated by Robert Downey, Jr! I think I just terrified the entire office with my enthusiasm.

Christine, 6:48: Why does Ewan MacGregor have a ponytail? Is he trying to channel Jared "Jesus" Leto's hair magic?

Christine, 6:52: Bingo! 

Katie, 6:53: I really enjoyed "Her" and the way it presented L.A. In the immortal words of Liz Lemon, "I want to go there!"

Katie, 6:55: Ah, U2. Or, as I'll forever remember them, the people responsible for the atrocity that was the "frickin' clickin' shoes" song from "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark."

Christine: 6:55: Do you think U2 knows they got photobombed by Benedict Cumberbatch?

Katie, 7:02: So much John Williams.

Katie, 7:02: A Liza-Ellen selfie. The world may explode.

Katie, 7:02: I lied. This selfie will break the world. Jennifer Lawrence is next to Meryl Streep and Brad Pitt's face is covering Lupita Nyong'o help I'm dying

Christine, 7:03: BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH IS TRYING TO BE IN THE PHOTO YOU GO YOU LIVE YOUR DREAM BABY DOLL

Katie, 7:04: Michael B. Jordan and Kristen Bell on stage at the same time nope I can't handle this aghhhh help me HELP

Christine, 7:04: I think you mean Kristen B. Ell.

Katie, 7:07: How can "Gravity" win for sound mixing? Space is a vacuum!

Christine, 7:08: THE ELLEN SELFIE CRASHED TWITTER.

Katie, 7:09: The sound awards, presented by Thor and Aeon Flux.

Katie & Christine, 7:15: LUPITAAAAAA!!!!

Christine (to Katie), 7:15: I can't high-five you. You have bread in your hands. I can't hurt the bread.

Christine, 7:15: Is she gonna trip? Nope. She handled those stairs like a Disney princess.

Christine, 7:16: Lupita is crying. Steve McQueen is crying. Chiwetel Ejiofor is crying. Benedict Cumberbatch is crying. Brad Pitt is crying. I'm crying. Everyone is crying. We will drown Los Angeles in our tears.

Katie, 7:23: Awww, all these actors with their mothers. Too cute.

Christine, 7:25: The new Academy building will be held in Starfleet Headquarters. It's happening! In 2017, I will be going where no one has gone before.

Katie, 7:26: Cinematography, a.k.a. the award that I didn't care about before I knew what cinematography was. Now I know what good cinematography is, I appreciate this award very much. Good pictures are made up of good pictures.

Christine, 7:27: Aww, the Harold Ramis joke was funny, and then it was sad.

Christine, 7:27: What year is it, Bill Murray? Who knows what Bill Murray is saying. But it doesn't matter, because he's Bill Murray.

Katie, 7:27: I didn't love "Gravity," but I can live with it winning cinematography, cause they did some very inventive stuff there. That being said, I still think "Inside Llewyn Davis" deserved it more.

Katie, 7:29: I also want to be best friends with Anna Kendrick and Gabourey Sidibe.

Christine, 7:32: I don't think "Gravity" deserves every award, but I'm fine with it winning the visual ones.

Katie, 7:33: And now we enter the tributes section of the Oscars, otherwise known as the time when everyone checks Twitter and Facebook until Idina Menzel starts belting.

Katie, 7:34: I have to say, when I'm thinking of contemporary singers who remind me of Judy Garland, P!nk does not immediately come to mind. But hey, at least this is better than Carrie Underwood slaughtering the Beatles.

Christine, 7:38: P!NK performing is one of my Bingo slots, so I'm okay with all of this. 

Katie, 7:39: This is such an ominous commercial. Is this the prequel to/origin story for the next Bond movie?

Christine, 7:40: "Do not attempt," says the Snickers commercial. Joke's on you. I don't need to attempt to be Godzilla. I am already a monster.

Katie, 7:42: How many "Resurrection" commercials is too many? According to ABC, "the limit does not exist."

Katie, 7:43: Ellen as Glinda?! What?! Okay.

Katie, 7:43: And Christine just makes the girliest noise I think I've ever heard her make at the mention of Benedict Cumberbatch.

Christine, 7:43: I think you mean, "Here are the nominations for acievement in beauty," Benedict Cumberbatch.

Katie, 7:44: Can't say I ever would have predicted that "The Great Gatsby" would win two Oscars.

Christine, 7:46: Tell your children to go to bed, Catherine Martin! I need that for bingo.

Katie, 7:46: They're probably in Australia, it's not bedtime there yet.

Christine, 7:46: "A seismic shift is coming in the Marvel universe," according to the "S.H.I.E.L.D." commercial. Well, they keep saying that about California, so I won't hold out too much hope.

Katie, 7:47: So many of these movies are so good. But what is this montage for? Who knows? Who cares?

Katie, 7:53: I really want to know if Sarah Jones (of Slates For Sarah) will be included in the in memoriam.  

Katie, 8:01: Oh, that's nice—I didn't know that everyone who's wearing a black ribbon tonight is doing so in support of Sarah Jones, a camera assistant who died while shooting a movie last week. On-set safety is super important, and her story need to be told. Check out Slates for Sarah on Facebook to learn more.

Katie, 8:06: Well, we're past the two-and-a-half-hour mark, but everyone will keep watching, just to see Idina Menzel sing "Let It Go" who wins Best Picture. (I have my priorities in order, clearly.)

Christine, 8:08: Here comes "Let It Go." I preferred this song.

Katie, 8:11: Not sure if Idina Menzel was pitchy at the beginning of "Let It Go" or if the sound system is just that bad. Also, she's super nervous, but I'm pretty sure anyone in her position would be. Awww poor girl you're still great even if you did crack on that money note.

Christine, 8:11: I'm sad they didn't show the audience singing along, cause I needed that.

Katie, 8:12: If the orchestra is all the way over at Capital Records, maybe that's why they've hardly played anyone off!

Katie, 8:13: What is going on right now? What is Jamie Foxx doing? Why is the bottom of his face grey? Is that cocaine in his beard? That would explain a lot.

Christine, 8:17: Katie is making cooing and crying noises about "Let It Go." She knows Bobby Lopez. She harassed him on Twitter with fish puns and now they are friends. He is the third composer, twelfth person and youngest person to go EGOT. 

Katie, 8:23: OK, I've calmed down enough now to return. I don't actually know Bobby Lopez, I just occasionally bother him. But WOW YAY AHHH this is SO exciting! The only other composers who have won are Richard Rodgers (of Rodgers and Hammerstein fame) and Marvin Hamlisch (who wrote "A Chorus Line"). This is huge and fantastic! Major congratulations.

Katie, 8:25: Looks like "Gravity" and "12 Years a Slave" are winning pretty much everything—so what does that mean for "American Hustle"?

Katie, 8:27: And here in the office, we're all happy that "Her" is getting some love.

Christine, 8:27: Spike Jonze looks and sounds like Seth Meyers.

Katie, 8:28: But who is that man in the odd glasses?

Christine, 8:29: A god on Earth, that's who.

Christine, 8:30: It is my opinion that good art is anything that inspires others to make art. "Her" is incredible art. 

Katie, 8:34: Hmmmmm. Hmmmmmm. Not sure I'd say "Gravity" was the best-directed film of the year. I mean obviously I think it was "Short Term 12" (you go, Destin Cretton! Four for you, Destin Cretton!) but among the nominees, I mean, Scorsese.

Katie, 8:41: I didn't see "Blue Jasmine," but I saw Cate Blanchett play Blanche in "A Streetcar Named Desire" and she was incredible, and that's apparently pretty much the same role so she totally deserves this.

Christine, 8:44: Amy Adams looks genuinely happy for Cate Blanchett.

Katie, 8:44: That's because Amy Adams is actually a Disney princess.

Katie, 8:46: Preach, Cate Blanchett! Women need to be so much more present in every aspect of cinema.

Christine, 8:47: Givin' snaps to Lady Galadriel. 

Katie, 8:50: The office is chanting, "Team Leo!"

Katie, 8:51: Just because I knew Matthew McConaughey was going to win doesn't mean I'm not still really sad that Leonardo DiCaprio didn't win. I can just imagine he's thinking, "I did that quaaludes scene and I literally bled for my art, what else can I do to win an Oscar?"

Christine, 8:52: CONCEAL, DON'T FEEL, LEO. CONCEAL, DON'T FEEL.

Christine, 8:55: Matthew McConaughey just said "all right, all right, all right!" BINGO! Second bingo of the night! But he also thanked God for teaching him science, which is questionable.

Christine, 8:56: Maybe Will Smith is presenting for Best Picture because he won so heartily at the Razzies for the fiasco that was "After Earth." 

Katie, 8:59: Guys, Brad Pitt just won an Oscar.

Christine, 9:00: Guys, Benedict Cumberbatch and Lupita Nyong'o got a closeup. That's my win of the night.

Katie, 9:01: How much do you want to bet that when Leonardo DiCaprio was filming that scene from "The Wolf of Wall Street" where Matthew McConaughey beats his chest and hums, he had no clue that was acting across from the man who would beat him for the Oscar?

Katie, 9:02: What a surprise—John Williams music ending the night.

Christine, 9:07: Goodnight, listeners readers. Goodnight.

That's all, folks!

Reach Christine by email here; follow her on Twitter here.

Reach Katie by email here; follow her on Twitter here.