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Emmys 2013: A Snarky Live Blog

Katie Buenneke, Christine Bancroft |
September 22, 2013 | 4:17 p.m. PDT

Staff Reporters

Image made out of things we found on Tumblr. We are great at image manipulation.
Image made out of things we found on Tumblr. We are great at image manipulation.

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Hello all! Nice to see you. Or not see you, I guess, since we're in an office in Los Angeles, and you're probably not here with us. But hello anyways! We are Katie and Christine, your intrepid Neon Tommy Emmys reporters, and we're here to make snide comments about anything and everything we think is worth talking about. We'll be labeling each of our posts with our name and the time, so you know what's up. All times are PST. Don't forget to refresh to see the latest updates!

Katie, 4:24pm: Hi! I'm Katie. I'm about 5-7 seasons behind on the TV shows I do watch, and that's not that many to begin with. Needless to say, I've seen very little that has been nominated this year, so this should be an interesting experience.

Christine, 4:27pm: I'm Christine. My shows are all currently on hiatus, as they have been for at least two to 50 years, and are therefore not nominated. My main functions include being bitter and misanthropic, binge watching depressing television and baking pies. (If you can't tell, Katie wrote the intro.)

Christine, 4:30pm: Whoever is doing the E! Livestream doesn't understand the difference between "fun facts" and "extremely relevant pieces of information." Telling us who is nominated, that's relevant and not a fun fact. Telling us that Kevin Spacey was sent to a military academy after setting his sister's treehouse on fire? That's a fun fact (and a fun activity). 

Katie, 4:35pm: Christine bakes pies and I wake the dead. (Any "Pushing Daisies" fans out there? Bueller? Or at least "Hannibal" fans? Bryan Fuller is pretty rad!)

Christine, 4:39pm: "Hannibal" should have been nominated in at least four categories, including Best Scandinavian for Mads Mikkelsen. 

Christine, 4:44pm: The music E! chose to pair with the red carpet stream sounds like build music from the Sims.

Katie, 5:05pm: Neil Patrick Harris looks so dapper in a suit that I can't even concentrate on what he is saying. You'd think I'd be used to this by now.

Katie, 5:06pm: Wait I definitely just saw Walter White staring at me/NPH out of an old-school iMac. Props to you, Emmys production designers.

Katie, 5:07pm: I'm honestly quite disappointed that there hasn't been a musical number from NPH yet. Emmys, don't disappoint me!

Christine, 5:09pm: 6,000 people in the audience and not one of them is me. Life is unfair.

Christine, 5:10pm: Watching television has never been more easier, right, Neil? 

Katie, 5:11pm: Speaking of "Orange Is the New Black," I speak from personal experience when I say I don't recommend watching that pilot in the same room as your parents.

Christine, 5:12pm: I feel a musical number coming on. I feel it in my bones.

Katie, 5:12pm: Should I be worried about the fact that Louis C.K. just stared murderously into the camera?

Katie, 5:14pm: Ok, maybe it's just the theater fan in me, but I'd much rather watch a musical number than this weird "host-off." Sorry Kevin Spacey, even you can't save this. "West Side Story"-style dance-off, anyone?

Katie, 5:16pm: I'm casting my vote now for Tina Fey and Amy Poehler to drunkenly host the Emmys next year.

Christine, 5:19pm: My bones were wrong. I want musical numbers. 

Katie, 5:20pm: Wait, why are they telling us where Merritt Wever went to high school? Maybe she got so distracted by that odd fact that she forgot her acceptance speech?

Katie, 5:25pm: And all the quirky brunette girls around the country cheered. Tina Fey, we're living vicariously through you.

Katie, 5:27pm: For some reason, the Deschanel sisters' inflection is driving me up the wall right now! Here's hoping they're just not familiar with teleprompters?

Christine, 5:32pm: So far, I'm enjoying the commercials more than I'm enjoying the actual show. And I thought this only happened with the Superbowl. 

Katie, 5:33pm: Yay for Laura Spencer! That friendly redhead from the Sprint commercial played Jane Bennet on the thoroughly wonderful (and also Emmy-winning) "Lizzie Bennet Diaries"!

Katie, 5:36pm: Also, if you haven't seen this episode of Dawson's Creek with (Emmy winner) Tony Hale, that is a thing you should do.

Christine, 5:37pm: Oh God, Jon Hamm, God, beard, God, no, beard, God, no! No, God! Bad! Bad beard! No! 

Katie, 5:39pm: In news you already knew, Tony Hale is wonderful. Man I love him.


Katie, 5:42pm: Okay, that was an extremely confusing way to announce the winner. Did they even announce the winners for best Guest Star in a Comedy? If not, I'm still pulling for Bobby Cannavale and Elaine Stritch cause I've gotta root for my theater people.

Christine, 5:44pm: Congrats, Katie, your hope was an exercise in futility. In other news, Melissa Leo and Bob Newhart are Emmy winners this year. 

Christine, 5:45pm: I'm really done with the "Modern Family" theme song.

Christine, 5:45pm: Fun fact! Comedy does kill. Roman philosopher Chryssipus supposedly died in a fit of laughter after he fed his pet donkey wine and watched it drunkenly attempt to eat figs. 

Katie, 5:47pm: Where is the "Arrested Development" love? I was really pulling for Jason Bateman.

Christine, 5:51pm: It doesn't look like a party, Shemar Moore. It looks like you and Bob Newhart are awkwardly and uncomfortably standing next to each other in a nearly empty area backstage.

Katie, 5:52pm: What even was that Target commercial? I'm very confused. It looked like a post-modern take on "Mamma Mia."

Katie, 5:53pm: There should be a rule that you're not allowed to air the same commercial more than once an hour. This smart TV commercial wasn't very entertaining the first time around...

Christine, 5:55pm: Matt Damon and Michael Douglas look like they're leading a funeral procession.

Christine, 5:56pm: Oh my God, are they leading a funeral procession? Did I just put my foot in my mouth during an en memoriam tribute? 

Christine, 5:56pm: Oh, they're just introducing Elton John. 

Katie, 5:57pm: Why is Elton John wearing more sparkles than the two men who were in the Liberace biopic?


Katie, 6:00pm: My voice teacher's roommate is up there singing with Elton John so I vote that by the transitive property, I, too, am up there singing with Elton John.

Christine, 6:02: Zachary Quinto holds no love for Liberace, evidently. 

Christine, 6:03pm: And the mention of the USC Thornton School of Music!

Katie, 6:05pm: I'm really confused by what makes some TV shows "Television series" vs. "miniseries." Mostly "The Big C" and "American Horror Story." Aren't they both TV shows?

Katie, 6:07pm: I'm still really upset about the fact that the "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" movies look absolutely nothing like the art in the book on which they're based. Like... really? It's a picture book! You should at least make some semblance of an effort to make the animated movie look like the book!

Katie, 6:12pm: Sorry, "How I Met Your Mother" cast, but I disagree with you. I'm totally fine with NPH's penchant for hosting. I do appreaciate the Ryan Seacrest dig though.

Katie, 6:13pm: Blair Underwood has a voice straight out of a Tennessee Williams play. I suppose it makes sense that he was in "A Streetcar Named Desire" on Broadway...

Katie, 6:15pm: Yay for the "Firefly" actresses nominated for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama. I'm looking at you, Morena Baccarin and Christina Hendricks. Even if you didn't win. I still love you.


Katie, 6:18pm: My friend worked with Cory Monteith on an episode of "Glee" and said he was a sincerely nice guy. Hollywood needs more kind souls like his.

Christine, 6:20pm: Sorry I've been AWOL, but there's a really cute dog in the newsroom and I really had to pet it. His fur is perfect and I fell in love instantly.

Katie, 6:20pm: Speaking of "The Little Mermaid," I can't be the only one who thinks that this whole "bring your iPad to the movie theater" thing sounds supremely obnoxious, right?

Katie, 6:22pm: NO BEAU BRIDGES NO. I saw him in "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying" on Broadway last winter and he couldn't remember any of his lines and I'm still angry about it.


Katie, 6:26pm: "Live from 'Nathan,' Castle Fillion!" Ok, NPH...

Katie, 6:27pm: Oh man, key changes. They really mean business!

Christine, 6:28pm: Let's just have Nathan Fillion and Neil Patrick Harris sing the rest of the ceremony.

Katie, 6:29pm: Well, that was supremely awkward, but Mindy Kaling is amazing so that's okay.

Katie, 6:31pm: The only reason I'm sort of almost on board for this NBC "Sound of Music" thing is because Audra McDonald, Laura Benanti, and Christian Borle are in it. Don't make me hate it before it even happens, Emmy Awards.


Katie, 6:33pm: Why is there a CGI cat in a cat litter commercial?! Could they not find a real cat? I don't understand!

Katie, 6:35pm: Did you know that the doubling period for background actors on "Scandal" is never? Meaning that if you've ever worked background on "Scandal," you can never work background on it again. For comparison, most other TV shows have a doubling period of four weeks, meaning you can work background on the show as long as you haven't been on it in the last four weeks.

Katie, 6:40pm: Yay Bobby Cannavale! I wish I'd seen you in "The Motherfucker with the Hat" on Broadway.

Christine, 6:41pm: And with Jeff Daniels' win, the newsroom here erupts into cheers. The AARP loves you, and we do too.

Katie, 6:43pm: Emmy winner Jeff Daniels, everyone. (I still love you and "The Newsroom," Jeff Daniels, don't worry)

Christine, 6:44pm: Of course, the day after the Kennedy assassination, the first episode of "Doctor Who," titled, "An Unearthly Child," aired in England. Nobody watched it, understandably, so it was rebroadcasted a week later. (Oh, "Doctor Who," I love you, yeah, yeah, yeah.) 

Katie, 6:46pm: Someone in the office just said, "John Lennon is rolling in his grave" about Carrie Underwood's performance of "Yesterday." My response? "Paul McCartney is rolling in his grave, and he's still alive."

Christine, 6:46pm: They buried Lennon in a circular grave to account for the spinning he would be doing.

Christine, 6:56pm: I'm so happy Claire Danes won so I could see the briefest of all brief shots of Hugh Dancy. 

Katie, 6:57pm: Christine and I just swooned when they put Hugh Dancy on screen.

Katie, 6:58pm: Seeing a brunette Emilia Clarke is bringing back unpleasant memories of her turn in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" on Broadway. Do not want.

Katie, 7:03pm: Wow, Oprah is super obnoxious presenting her writers.

Katie, 7:04pm: Okay, so can we start a Kickstarter now for a Lorne Michaels biopic starring Bill Hader?

Christine, 7:05pm: This is the first time "The Colbert Report" has won for best writing over "The Daily Show."

Christine, 7:06pm: I want to be Stephen Colbert when I grow up. And Simon Pegg.

Katie, 7:06pm: Christine keeps announcing herself as the winner for all the Emmy categories. Spoiler alert: she has won no Emmys.

Christine, 7:07pm: What's my favorite thing to say when I direct? "Stop." Or "Why?"

Katie, 7:08pm: I honestly do not understand why they keep talking about where people go/went to high school. HOW IS THIS RELEVANT INFORMATION?

Christine, 7:08pm: I don't actually direct anything. Other than the ultimate destruction of life as we know it. 

Katie, 7:12pm: Words cannot express how excited I am for the next musical number. Also, if we don't have a Lin-Manuel Miranda-penned closing rap (a la the Tonys), I will be very sad.

Katie, 7:15pm: I'm so distracted by the blurred-out food logos in the choreographers' meeting. How is Sarah Silverman allowed to say "vagina" on TV, but we're not allowed to see a Coca-Cola label?

Katie, 7:17pm: I wonder what Frank Loesser would think of this "Luck Be a Lady" remix. I'm personally not sold on it. Though I'm kind of sort of almost on board with the "Get Lucky" mashup.

Katie, 7:18pm: Since there's no show listed for these dancers in white shirts with black suspenders, I'm just assuming that they represent "The Book of Mormon."

As happy as I am for Stephen Colbert, as happy as he and his crew is, no one is happier than Jon Stewart right now.
As happy as I am for Stephen Colbert, as happy as he and his crew is, no one is happier than Jon Stewart right now.
Christine, 7:22pm: I want to be Stephen Colbert when I grow up. However, his speech should have been just an eagle shrieking to bombs bursting in air as he flies off into the sunset with his Emmy. Caw, caw, motherf*ckers!

Christine, 7:28pm: According to the official OVP Twitter, Vice President Joe Biden is rooting for Amy Poehler for Best Actress in a Comedy Series. I propose that we make it an emergency executive order. It is law. 

Katie, 7:35pm: I saw John Benjamin Hickey in "The Normal Heart" on Broadway and he was wonderful and heartbreaking. And James Cromwell was in "Waiting for Godot" at the Taper last year and was also wonderful. And I'm hearing good things about Zachary Quinto in "The Glass Menagerie" on Broadway right now.

Christine, 7:37pm: Stop giving "The Big Bang Theory" things. It only encourages them to come back for more. Like, if you give a mouse a cookie, it's going to want some milk. If you give a terrible show an Emmy, it's going to continue being awful. 

Christine, 7:38pm: Remember, folks. En memoriam montages are a popularity contest, not an emotional tribute to the industry's lost loved ones. Clap hard enough and you'll know you've really made it. 

Christine, 7:46pm: Commercial break. Rural juror, rural juror, rural juror, rural juror...

Katie, 7:46pm: Every time I see Mark Harmon, I remember the first thing I ever saw him in...

Christine, 7:47pm: I just really want Bend'n'snap Cootiequeen to win an Emmy for Best Actor in a Miniseries or Movie for "Parade's End."

Christine, 7:47pm: Blended Cucumber

Christine, 7:47pm: Braindead Cuttlefish

Christine, 7:47pm: Britishguy Sillyname

Christine, 7:47pm: Benevolent Crumpetstash

Katie, 7:51pm: For the uninitiated, Christine is trying to write "Benedict Cumberbatch."


Katie, 7:56pm: Christine will cry if Benedict Cumberbatch doesn't win. Don't let it happen, Emmys.

Christine is very distraught that Benedict Cumberbatch did not win.
Christine is very distraught that Benedict Cumberbatch did not win.
Katie, 7:56pm: Christine has accepted that Benedict Cumberbatch is the Leonardo DiCaprio of TV.

Katie, 7:57pm: Thank you, Michael Douglas, for the masturbation and gay sex jokes.

Christine, 7:59pm: "...Stories that can only be told on television." Actually, I'm pretty sure "The Bible" can be told in books, too.

Katie, 8:00pm: Shemar Moore, you are pretty but we are not very interested in what you have to say. Sorry 'bout it, bro.

Christine, 8:03pm: This Audi commercial is the introduction to Claire Danes' story arc on "Orange is the New Black."

Christine, 8:04pm: Will Ferrell! USC grad! With his children. Or not his children. Maybe not his children. Maybe he just picked up some kids off the street. 

Katie, 8:06pm: "Modern Family" is the Michael Phelps of sitcoms. It's like yeah, you're great, but can you give someone else a chance? coughcough30Rockcoughcough

Katie, 8:10pm: According to Vince Gilligan, lots of shows that weren't nominated could have won. I wonder if he understands how the Emmys work.

Katie, 8:10pm: NPH DO A RAP-UP DO A RAP-UP

Christine, 8:10pm: No, he's drinking champagne; he doesn't have time to do a rap.

Seeing as the show is now over, we've nothing to snark about. We hope you enjoyed our banter and our sharp wit. If you didn't enjoy, then we wish you the best of luck crawling back into the dank, dark pit of despair you came from. (Actually, that's where I come from. Please vacate the premises. I don't want you near me. Get away from me. Do not touch me.) 

(Unless you are a member of the Hollywood elite, in which case, I am definitely single and ready to mingle.)

(Also, Christine just told Katie that she's going to skin her and wear her like a suit so Katie is going to go home and lock her doors now)

Remember to check out Neon Tommy's full coverage of the 2013 Emmys here

Reach Katie here and find her on Twitter here. Reach Christine here or follow her on Twitter here



Craig Gillespie directed this true story about "the most daring rescue mission in the history of the U.S. Coast Guard.”

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