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A Really Important Column: Bears Versus Sharks

Calum Hayes |
October 10, 2013 | 9:40 p.m. PDT

Columnist

With the federal government shutdown still going, I’ve also decided I don’t feel like doing any real work.

The government is refusing to take its job seriously and so am I. (Graham Clark, Neon Tommy)
The government is refusing to take its job seriously and so am I. (Graham Clark, Neon Tommy)

So instead of a column about something important, here’s a column about something REALLY IMPORTANT: who wins in a fight between a bear and a shark. 

First, the rules: the fight takes place with both in their optimal habitat, this means a shark can swim at its top speed while a bear can move with its maximum agility. How is that possible, you ask? I don’t know, you tell me, person reading a column about a bear fighting a shark.

Next, we’re going to choose the prime representative of each species, therefore we’ll be looking at grizzly bears and great white sharks. I’ll be awarding a point for each category and the one with the most points at the end wins. Unless it’s not the one I want, in which case… it's my column and I’ll just rig the results.

Let's breakdown their strengths and weaknesses.

 

Latin Name 

Shark – Carcharodon carcharias

Bear – Ursus horribilis

This isn’t even a debate. One of these sounds like a fungus I’d find on month-old cheese in my brother’s fridge while the other literally has the word horrible in it. 

Point: Grizzly Bear

 

Maximum Size (We are choosing the best specimens after all.)

Shark – 20 ft. long; up to 5,000 lbs.

Bear – Up to 10 ft. tall while standing and 1,500 lbs.

I'm taking the one big enough to cause a sharknado.

Point: Great White

 

Speed/Agility

Shark – Capable of swimming up to 15 mph.

Bear – Capable of running up to 30 mph.

As if we weren’t all scared enough of these two animals in the first place…

Point: Grizzly Bear

 

Opening Sentence of National Geographic Profile

Shark - “The legendary great white shark is far more fearsome in our imaginations than in reality.” 

Bear: “These awe-inspiring giants tend to be solitary animals—with the exception of females and their cubs—but at times they do congregate.” 

So… Steven Spielberg has unfairly turned one of these creatures into a violent man-eating machine while the other is so impressive it doesn’t even need company and, once again, has the word horrible in its name. 

Point: Grizzly Bear

 

Ability to Inflict Damage

Shark- 300 serrated teeth lined in several rows and a tail capable of doing plenty of damage.

Bear – Long curved claws, teeth, knowledge of kung fu? 

I’m not trying to mess with either of these, but maybe there’s a reason Discovery has a week devoted to one being violent and not the other.

Point: Great white (unless the grizzly has been hanging with that kung fu panda, in which case all bets are off)

 

Finishing Move

Shark – Well, there’s a reason they once did a show called “Air Jaws.” 

Bear - No one knows, probably hibernating?

If there’s one thing I hope you come away from this column with, its an appreciation of not being a seal.

Point: Great White

 

So where does this all leave us? With a tie, but I prefer American football to that other stuff so this here column won’t be ending in a tie.

The answer… is obviously the bear!

It’s easy to say “yeah but think of all those teeth a shark has!” and that’s great, but they only work if they can make contact. You know what a shark cant bite? A 10-foot tall bear capable of moving at 30 mph. Sharks get scared off by a little bop on the nose from your average overweight American; you think our great white is going to stick it out after taking a couple swipes to the nose from those grizzly claws? 

There’s a reason people call protective mothers “momma bear.” Have you ever heard someone say, “You know Janet has been a real momma shark since she had little Bobby?”

Didn’t think so. While sharks are so busy acting like little Bobby that they need to swim around in schools, grizzlies don’t even need friends, they're so tough! National Geographic describes the great white as being inquisitive and normally only biting because it's curious.

On the other hand, mother bears are notoriously aggressive around their cubs. So, you can take Curious George but I'm taking the one ready to come in like a wrecking ball.

To recap: sharks suck, bears win, and we’re still one day closer to running out of money as a country. 

 

Reach Columnist Calum Hayes here.



 

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