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Your Rundown Of This Week's Best Stories

Calum Hayes |
February 4, 2013 | 4:53 p.m. PST


Thirty-five firefighters showed up to rescue a pony from a well. (Ken Mist, Creative Commons)
Thirty-five firefighters showed up to rescue a pony from a well. (Ken Mist, Creative Commons)
Welcome back to your weekly rundown of your top news stories.

We’re making a slight adjustment this week in giving you four stories and then a collection of the best Super Bowl commercials, as decided upon by your committee of one (Aloha!). I’m refusing to give you analysis of the Super Bowl because that would detract from my self-promotion in other places (like us here) and I’d like to think that after these weeks spent together you know I can never pass up a little shameless self-promotion. As always, if you find yourself unsatisfied by this piece, I offer a full refund for your time.

5. Rundown: This week, firefighters did what we all imagine they are doing while not rescuing cats from trees and looking like Ryan Gosling. A pony (named Nova) was stuck down a well (I’ll let you come to your own conclusions about how a pony gently finds its way to the bottom of a well at least eight feet deep; my money is on the girl from Tangled helping her out), at which point thirty-five (35!) firefighters went about the task of rescuing her. Nova emerged unscathed and in fine spirits, although rather confused about why so many men insisted on interrupting her bath (rumors that this was playing on a cassette player nearby cannot be confirmed).

Analysis: The definition of a Nova is “A star that suddenly becomes much brighter and then gradually returns to its original brightness over a period of weeks to years. ” Now, if that’s not an academic definition of your fifteen minutes of fame, I don’t know what is.

4. Rundown: Who’s ready for a sex trafficking story!?! Your hand had better not be up right now. All hands securely crossed in your laps? Here we go then. The ICE (notice the lack of a second E for all of my frozen treat aficionados) recently uncovered a sex trafficking ring stretching from Florida all the way to North Carolina. Thirteen criminal arrests were made, along with 44 criminal arrests, and as many as 11 victims were saved at the time with untold numbers having been abused in the past.

Analysis: No jokes on this one. Human trafficking is often a problem we associate with third world countries, but this story reminds us that we need to be aware of this heinous crime happening within our own borders. While I hope you will never need the number, if you are a victim or feel you know a victim, please contact: 1-888-373-7888.

3. Rundown: Earlier this week, the Boy Scouts of America came out (settle in ironic wordplay, we’ll be together for a while) and said they would re-examine their policy of preventing homosexuals from joining or leading in the Boy Scouts. Later in the week, Rick Perry (former Republican presidential candidate and current governor of Texas [pronounced TEXAS!!!]) came out and said the Boy Scouts should not soften their stance against homosexual membership, as it was simply caving to the whims of “pop culture.”

Analysis: As per his usual policy on any major statement, (…HEYO!) Mr. Perry listed three things behind his reasoning (these can neither be confirmed nor denied as actual reasons):

  • Did you see the film Alexander? Terrible picture. Purely because Collin Farrell made out with another man, nothing to do with the fact that it was eight hours long.
  • If you let “the gays” marry, the next thing you know we’ll be marrying dolphins! (In comments concerning his feelings toward many of the heifers residing on his ranch, Mr. Perry used the words “strictly platonic” upwards of infinite times.)
  • Ummm…And…Oops? Heh, Heh…

2. Rundown: I’ve avoided the “gun control” debate as much as possible in these rundowns, but the time has come. This week, Barack Obama responded to criticism that he hated guns by saying that he often went skeet shooting, at which point the White House released a photo of him doing so. The NRA and pro-second amendment congressmen came out saying that one photo didn’t erase a lifetime of Obama hating guns, and that he should simply enforce currently existing laws.

Analysis: I’m begging you to watch this video. Begging isn’t even a strong enough word. If you don’t watch that video, I actually ask you stop reading this article now (to the dismay of my editors). The NRA is telling Obama to enact current gun laws while paying to make it impossible to do just that. Believe me when I tell you that I have never struggled more not to curse in a column. I grew up in two homes that owned guns (don’t be sad my parents split, can you say two birthdays? Holla!), yet this is flat out insane. If you want to have a conversation about respecting current gun laws, I am more than open to it. What I’m not open to is the NRA pissing on me and telling me it's rain.

1. Rundown: Quite frankly, I don’t have any Biblically appropriate comments about Beyonce’s performance, so let's just get to the links of your best Super Bowl Commercials:

A great spot by M&M’s in which Red (let's assume his name is Red) shows us the things he would do for love. That is, until things go south and he makes sure we know he would do anything for love - he just wont do that! Analysis: Just think, we could have had Meatloaf do the halftime show, too, if Romney had been elected.

Taco Bell goes for the classic humor of showing the elderly getting their “Hangover” on and making more than a few bad choices. Analysis: It cannot be confirmed that I was holding a Doritos Locos Taco while praising this spot.

Dodge follows in the footsteps of Chrysler and reverts back to images of good old Americana to remind us of all the great things this country can be. Dodge did so by showing how the farmer has been instrumental in this nation’s success, along with Dodge trucks of course. Analysis: America.

Beyonce gives us the only halftime show worth watching in the last five years (with a hat tip to Prince in the rain in Miami). Analysis: She did this six months after having a child…Time to wrap this column up so I can go Google how people get into that kind of shape.

Super Bowl commercials aren’t supposed to leave you choked up, but this one did just that (yeah, I can admit it!). A great spot by Budweiser showing us the bond between a man and his horse was the only thing that could knock Beyonce from this top spot. Analysis: Maybe Google can wait while I get one more viewing in.


Reach Contributor Calum Hayes here; follow him here.



Craig Gillespie directed this true story about "the most daring rescue mission in the history of the U.S. Coast Guard.”

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