Roshon's footwork is so fast you'd think he was Speedy Gonzalez, all that's missing is the sombrero! "Dancing With The Stars", ABC Mondays at 8 (Image courtesy of ABC)

¡Ay caramba! “Bailando con las estrellas” fue fantástico lunes por la noche. ¿Has visto qué guapo Wiliam Levy miró? ¡Dios mío! Haha, I'm just kidding. And now that my brief relationship with Google Translate is over, let’s really talk about how fantastico “Dancing With The Stars” Latin Week was… in English.

Last week’s performances felt more like a bad acid trip than a trip down Rock and Roll Lane, so "DWTS" decided to make it up to all us fans with a two hour fiesta, countless shirtless men, a bandana-less William Levy (!!!!!), and could it be? Do I spy Carlos Santana?

Indeed, the guitar legend graced the ballroom with his heavenly presence (and music), and kind of made me wonder why "DWTS" would follow up this icon with Selena Gomez and the Scene on Tuesday night? Sometimes they get it right, and sometimes it is just so, so wrong. (This music snafu belongs in the latter category.) But, I digress. We have much bigger issues on our hands, like the departure of Sherri (seriously?! Who are you voting for?) and the advent of dun, Dun, Dunnn! Dance Duels.

What in Carlos Santana’s name is a Dance Duel you ask? Does this mean next week’s theme is Pokémon? Or Medieval Times? So many questions! But no, Dance Duels are a little game changer brought in to make this predictable season a little more … unpredictable. So, the deal is that for the next three weeks the two teams with the least votes will have to dance at the same time in front of the judges, who will then be the ultimate deciders of who gets eliminated. So, the power isn’t all in your hands, but the viewer’s votes are the deciding factor in who duels.

Needless to say, the start of Dance Duels has all teams feeling the pressure. Steve Urkel Jaleel White and partner Kym are no exception. While prepping for their spicy samba, Kym put Jaleel through Beyoncé boot camp… let’s call it booty camp. She taught him to shake what his mama gave him, because, as we all know, the better the booty, the more votes you get (hey, it’s worked for Maks.) Their samba was like tribal dancing meets Shakira meets the ballroom, in other words: awesome. The judges loved the way Jaleel “had it going on down there” and Bruno even suggested that there was a Mini Me controlling his hips. Okaayyyy. In other, severely less creepy news, Jaleel got 8’s across the judges’ table for a total score of 24.

Everyone’s favorite candy M&M were up next. Turns out that Mak’s legs of steel gave poor Melissa a concussion last week when she hit her head against them during their performance. But with a bedazzled neck brace, and permission to shut Maks up whenever she wanted to, Melissa was good to go for Latin week. One of the funniest moments of the night came when an exasperated Melissa asked Maks “What do you want from me?” and he barked back in his Ukrainian accent “Sex!” She had trouble acceding to Maks’ demands however, because to her sexy felt unnatural. Luckily, there is literally nothing Maks can’t bully someone into doing. He goaded her on with insults and calling her “Grandma” but it worked because come their salsa, this Grandma was shaking her groove thang. The judges enjoyed the dance, Bruno commenting that it needed more control and precision. Carrie Ann decided to take this moment to go all Oprah on the world and tell Melissa that her confidence is beautiful. With 7’s from all the judges, M&M walked away with a score of 21.

Having fun down there Maria? (Image Courtesy of ABC)

Maria and Derek are getting a little tiresome to watch. It is all about the theatrics, all about the dramatic injuries and the hotter-than-jalapeño sexual tension, not enough about the dance. Was anyone really surprised to see Maria fall and hurt herself again this week? Was anyone really surprised that she took this opportunity to be ridiculous and come to rehearsal dressed like the Michelin Man in bubble wrap? Was anyone else then reminded of the lyrics from Weird Al Yankovic’s White and Nerdy “Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap, POP POP! Hope no one sees me getting’ freaky”? If the answer to the third question is yes, then you, my friend, are absolutely awesome. Anyway, their dance to “Ole Ole Ole” was more of the same, sexual tension, a kiss, Derek taking off his shirt so that for the remainder of the dance you couldn’t focus on anything but his spray tan. Carrie Ann thought the kiss was too much, saying that dance should be about the illusion of passion. Bruno had three questions for them, 1: Is it legal? 2: Can I get you a room? And 3: CAN I JOIN IN? Oh, my, Carlos Santana. I’m going to need time to recover from that one. Deria got 9’s all around, making their salsa worth 27 points.

And I’m not going to lie, with Katherine and Mark following Maria and Derek, the predictability just kept rolling. I don’t know why Katherine pretends to have any hesitations about dancing. She is amazing. She knows she is amazing. The judges know she is amazing. The voters know she is amazing. And it is also common knowledge that Mark is the best choreographer on the show. He may be a little off his game if Katherine keeps whiplash kicking him where it hurts, but the “damage to Mark’s naughty bits” as Katherine giggled, didn’t stop this week’s dance from being… all together now… amazing. He looked dapper and she looked Disney. No, but literally, like Rapunzel, without the extensions. Their Argentine tango was technically perfect, Bruno even saying that this is dancing and choreography to the highest quality. But Len picked up on the iciness below the smiles and high kicks and compared Katherine to a rose, soft and beautiful on the outside, but thorny just below the exterior. With 10’s from Carrie Ann and Bruno, and a 9 from Len, Katherine and Mark’s Argentine tango was a smashing success at 29 points.

If you put together Katherine’s flawless technicality and Gavin Degraw’s humble charm and charisma, you really would have the perfect competitor. Too bad though, because while Gavin’s personality is too easy to like, his dances are a little hard to watch. Gavin compares ballroom dancing to taking a test… except you have to smile the whole time. As he puts it, “I didn’t exactly smile while I was taking my SAT’s.” Ha. Relying on votes from his fans to get him through, Gavin dedicated this week’s samba to them. Their dance was about a shipwrecked Gavin and Karina sambaing away their woes because, let’s face it, what else is there to do when you’re lost on an island in the middle of the ocean? Except make friends with a volleyball or fight evil smoke monsters? In other news, Karina looked absolutely fierce during this dance. This is a costume she was born to rock. Too bad this dance wasn’t. The judges, while enjoying themselves thoroughly, knew that this was, as Len put it, more of a SHamba than a samba. Oh Len, you are so punny. Gavin and Karina got one of the lowest scores of the season with a 19 out of 30.

Cuban export William Levy found himself in quite the pickle this week. Being Latino and suave and sexy, everyone expected him to being flawless at his Argentine tango. All the expectations were too much for his pretty face to handle. Oh William, we feel so sowwy for you, you poor, poor boy. NOT. Really? If William Levy wasn’t at an advantage enough because 2/3 of the judges and 100% of the women in America are in love with him, being the only Latino contestant dancing a tango he already knows during Latin week is just plain unfair. So yes, there were expectations. Deal with it. While all other contestants danced to actual Latin music like Gloria Estefan, Ricky Martin, and Marc Anthony, William and Cheryl went the slutty route and tangoed to Buttons by the Pussycat Dolls. And their performance was just as fiery as the music video, AKA: a whole freaking lot. Cheryl made good on her promise to undress William little by little, and this week my prayers were answered because there was no bandana! YES!! Maybe that’s why the judges loved his dance so much. Or it could be the “thrrrrrrrrrrrobbing intensity” as Bruno put it. With 10’s from Carrie Ann and Bruno and a 9 from Len, William matched Katherine’s score of 29. As a gift to you all, watch his steamy performance below.

Gotta love Gladys. Out of all the contestants this season, she has the absolute best attitude towards the competition. Glorious Gladys is always one of the highlights of the entire episode. Despite taking a four day tour of the South, Gladys and her partner Tristan still managed to find some time to rehearse their samba. They were prepared to dance until dawn (quite literally) to avoid the dun Dun Dunn!! Dance Duels. The threat sounds so much more real in Tristan’s Irish accent. Their samba was, as the judges stated perfectly, “simple but effective.” Gladys sparkled like a mermaid in her short, short skirt, looking genuinely ageless. Props to Tristan for being one of the few dancers on this show who aims to showcase his partner, not himself (cough, cough MAKS). Let’s hope that this week’s “sambalicious” (credit: Carrie Ann) performance and a score of 22 will be enough to push Gladys through to next week’s Motown theme, where she will be certain to steal the show.

Though there are 47 years separating Gladys and Roshon, they really aren’t that different. Both of them use their positive attitudes to propel them through the competition, though this week, Roshon had another trick up his sleeve - William Levy. Trying to stay in the competition for his Grandma (Awwwwww), Roshon channeled the telanovela star, even down to that Carlos Santana forsaken bandana. With a poster on the wall, and some suaveness pointers from William himself, Roshon took his new moves to the dance floor, and we were treated to another outstanding performance from the Disney star. There must be something wrong with all the voters in America because he keeps landing in the bottom two contestants. Seriously? I mean, I know Chelsie’s costume made her look like Kevin from “Up”, but that is no reason to take it out on poor Roshon. In other news, Roshon’s dance made Carrie Ann seriously consider cougardom, and here we were thinking Bruno was the creepy judge. With 9’s from Carrie Ann and Bruno and an 8 from Len, cougar bait Roshon walked away with a total score of 26.

The last dance of the night belonged to football star Donald Driver, who, after his absolute and total domination last week, has taken to re-watching his past performances to iron out any flaws. Donald decided he wanted to play teacher this week, complimenting Peta when she high kicked correctly. Donald’s hours studying paid off because their Argentine tango was red hot. While Donald danced correctly, the judges said his performance was all about the buildup, but had no delivery, kind of like bad House Music. Despite criticism, Donald’s dance went over well with Carrie Ann, who awarded him with a 10, but less so with Bruno and Len who gave him a 9 and 8 respectively.

With that, Latin week on "DWTS" is a wrap (like a burrito?). Remember that you have the power to decide who dance duels it out Tuesday night. As your friendly neighborhood Spiderman once said, “With great power comes great responsibility,” so vote wisely! To catch up, watch "DWTS" Latin week in full here.

Reach writer Kelly Hanelt here