Ken Griffey Jr. is moving into the front office. (Creative Commons)

• After suffering losses to Wisconsin in football and basketball this season, two huge questions have to be answered for Ohio State: What the hell is Brutus Buckeye and why does he have an aversion to badgers?

• The Cleveland Cavaliers shocked the Los Angeles Lakers last Wednesday prompting Phil Jackson to consider inserting Jack Nicholson into the starting lineup for a defensive spark.

• Michael Vick decided to cancel his interview with Oprah after hearing that an irate Clifford the Big Red Dog would be serving as her co-host.

• The Indianapolis Colts have decided to place the franchise tag on Peyton Manning. Team management considered giving the tag to former teammate Bob Sanders, but was ultimately too afraid of injuring him in the process.

• Albert Pujols arrived at Cardinals Spring Training without a contract in place and the Cardinals arrived at Spring Training with a bleak outlook for 2012.

• Geographic experts have confirmed that the pin stripes on Joba Chamberlain’s uniform can now be used for measuring longitude and latitude. 

• Ken Griffey Jr. is returning to the Seattle Mariners as a special consultant. The move comes as part of a movement within the Mariners’ organization to replace the word “inept” with “special” for every front office title.

• Colorado Avalanche center Peter Forsberg ended his NHL comeback after just two games. A befuddled Forsberg decided to call it a career after being told the Montreal Maroons were no longer a professional hockey franchise.

• Re-signing receivers Santonio Holmes and Braylon Edwards will reportedly take priority over re-inking Antonio Cromartie for the New York Jets. Team officials stated that a deal for Cromatie was initially lined up evenly with Holmes and Edwards, but then inexplicably decided to give the receivers twenty yards of extra cushion to get open.

• Starting pitcher Johan Santana is targeting a return from shoulder surgery in late June or early July. Or, as Mets fans like to call to it, the beginning of the end.

• Jose Bautista and the Toronto Blue Jays have agreed to a 5-year contract extension worth about $65 million. For those keeping track, that’s a little over $1 million for each major league homer Bautista hit prior to last season.

• New Jersey and Denver reportedly have a deal in place for Carmelo Anthony in which the Nets would send Devin Harris, Derrick Favors, Troy Murphy Ben Uzoh and four first-round draft picks to the Nuggets. Denver’s front office remains optimistic that they can also convince Nets’ GM Billy King to throw his firstborn son into the deal. 

• After stating that his team can contend without making a major trade, a group of Dallas fans collectively rolled up a list of the Mavericks’ recent playoff failings and knocked Mark Cuban unconscious with it.  

• A 62-year-old man arrested for attempting to poison the 130-year-old oak trees that grow in Toomber’s Corner on the Auburn campus. Investigators revealed the culprit to be a senior member of the eco-villains and have turned the case over to Captain Planet.

• Arizona State is set to retire Byron Scott’s number during NBA All-Star break. The ceremony marks the high point of Scott’s coaching career with the Cleveland Cavaliers to date.

• The NFL and the players’ union have agreed to seek mediation in their ongoing labor dispute. Both sides sought mediation after neither side wanted to claim custody of Terrell Owens.

• Congratulations to the Willits High School girls wrestling team for taking home a medal at the North Coast Sections!

More next week…

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