With the Academy Awards just around the corner, all those movies that you have been promising yourself that you will see, but probably didn’t because you either didn’t have the time or found many of the best picture nominations too boring, are competing this weekend for that little gold statue. And I am here to make sure that you can be equally as snotty and pretentious with your knowledge of the Oscar nominated movies as the cinephile in your Monday morning discussion class. 

Best Picture

Who Will Win: "12 Years a Slave"

In comparison to some of the other categories, Best Picture is still seemingly up for grabs, but the majority of experts (and myself, of course) are betting on the film "12 Years a Slave." And now for those of you didn’t feel like watching an extremely depressing and gut retching movie for two hours, "12 Years" follows the life of Solomon Northup, a free man who was updated and sold into slavery. "12 Years" has all the markers of a typical best picture winner – a overly dramatic story about American history with moral lessons imbued throughout the film. Complete Oscar bait.   

Who Deserves to Win: "American Hustle"

There are many films that deserved a Best Picture nomination in the first place, but for the sake of this article, I will restrict myself to the 10 nominated. Undoubtedly, "American Hustle" deserves to win the Oscar this coming Sunday; there are few films where every actor and actress in the film is nominated for an award. And when that occurs – you better listen. 

Best Lead Actor

Who Will Win: Matthew McConaughey for "Dallas Buyer’s Club"

It’s strange to think that just 10 years ago, McConaughey was romancing the likes of Jennifer Lopez and Kate Hudson in what could be constituted as the cheesiest romantic comedies that are the staple of every girl sleepover, and now he is about to win an Academy Award. After winning the Golden Globe a few weeks ago and delivering what could be described as one of the most awkward and cringworthy acceptance speeches in recent history, its hard to believe that he is about to win the highest award an actor can receive. 

Who Deserves to Win: Leonardo DiCaprio for "Wolf of Wall Street"

Have you seen "Wolf of Wall Street?" You have? Then you know what I am talking about. Pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio playing the role of Jordan Belfort will take the place in every frat guys dorm room that was previously held by Ron Burgundy. Sorry, San Diego. DiCaprio once again delivers a riveting character that make the atrociously long 3 hour run time feel like half the time, (unlike "The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug," which felt as long as the entire journey to Mordor and back). DiCaprio is well known to be a black sheep in the Academy, as his Oscar snubs have been documented since his first nomination when he was 19 years old. Do you know what every 19 year old that I know is doing – currently getting high while attempting to cram out a term paper for the GE that they were forced to take. Get your head out of your asses, Academy. 

Best Lead Actress

Who Will Win: Cate Blanchett for "Blue Jasmine"

The current favorite to win this upcoming weekend, Blanchett performed in Woody Allen’s most recent, Woody Allen-esque film. And she did a great job playing a Woody Allen character. But that isn’t saying much anymore.  

Who Deserves to Win: Amy Adams for "American Hustle"

Before I begin, no, I do not believe that Sandra Bullock should win an Oscar for the world’s longest extreme close-up of Sandra having a panic attack – so stop suggesting it. Amy Adams is now being nominated for her 5th Oscar nomination in the past 8 years. She is almost on Leo’s level at this point. Her cleavage alone mesmerized the audience for two hours, and her perfectly fake British accent and her ability to kiss Christian Bale while he sported the world’s worst comb over garner her the statue.

Best Supporting Actor

Who Will Win and Who Deserves to Win: Jared Leto for "Dallas Buyer’s Club"

Oh my, Jordan Castellano, you have grown up mighty fine. I don’t think anyone, including Claire Danes, would have expected him to look so fierce in drag. Leto is one of the only winner whom is rightfully earning their Oscar. Most of the time, the wrong person wins the categories due to combination of politics within the Academy and the voters’ inability to ascertain real talent from cr*p, but in this case, the right person will win. Good job, guys. *cyber high five*

Best Supporting Actress

Who Will Win: Jennifer Lawrence for "American Hustle"

Okay, it’s understandable why she is going to win this weekend. Jennifer Lawrence is the lady crush (and actual crush) of practically everyone with a pulse at the moment. But her role in "American Hustle" does not live up to her Oscar-winning role in last year’s "Silver Linings Playbook," and just because Jennifer Lawrence is hilarious on the red carpet doesn’t warrant another Oscar-win. 

Who Deserves to Win: Lupita Nyong’o for "12 Years a Slave" 

Before you attack me and flood my inbox with GIFS from tumblr of the adorable things that J.Law said in an interview, hear me out. Lupita presented a stunning performance in "Twelve Years a Slave," and stole the entire film, as well as the subsequent red carpets. Seriously, it shouldn’t be possible for someone to have that smooth of skin and look that amazing in a dress. 

Best Director

Who Will Win: Alfonso Cuarón for "Gravity"

"Gravity" was undoubtedly the simultaneously most boring and most anxious two hours of my life, and that is all thanks to this guy. Thanks Alfonso. Literally creating the technology to make Sandra’s highly contrived tears float up around her face, Cuarón is the favorite this season to win the coveted award, even though there wasn’t much acting to actually direct in this film. However, he will always be the guy who directed one of the Harry Potter movies to me. 

Who Deserves to Win: David O’Russell for "American Hustle"

The Best Director category is much more difficult to decide, because honestly, the majority of people cannot distinguish the characteristics of the actors themselves, the cinematographer, the screenwriter, the production designer, and the director’s contribution to the film. But O’Russell obviously knows how to direct his actors, showcased by having each of his actors earning their own Oscar nom. It takes a seriously talented director to achieve that type of feat. 

Read more of Neon Tommy's Oscars 2014 coverage here.