(HBO)

It's felt like a long time coming, but I think it's safe to say that "Girls" is back. And by back I mean the groundbreaking series filled with (a little too) real life situations, endless sarcasm, nudity and plain old weirdness has returned to our screens. In episode five of the third season "The Only Child," we get a rather large spoonful of sibling rivalry, Hannah's forever nauseating selfishness and perhaps the grossest hook up...ever. There's only one song — Matt Costa "Good Times" — and we don't hear it until the end credits, but don't worry you'll be on the edge of your seat—for perhaps the first time this season—from start to finish.

Hannah and Adam head to her former editor David's funeral. There they meet his wife (shocker!) who mistakes Hannah for another one of David's writers — a girl who struggled with obesity and turrets syndrome. After assuring Hannah's instincts by sharing that David was "sometimes" gay, David's wife exposes that the publishing company is dropping all of David's projects, including Hannah's e-book. The frantic and completely inappropriate Hannah then asks the widow if she knows the nay of another publisher. Neglecting all patience, she replies, "If I do give you another name, will you get the f**k out of here?"

Meanwhile Jess still isn't over the fact that her friend faked her death and whines on and on about it to Shoshanna who is trying to study. After all a 15-year successful business woman plan can only include so much partying bunk-bed hopping. Things are much more mellow between the cousins, however, than they are between the Sackler siblings.

Adam and Caroline are still fighting. Hannah can't take it any longer and thus decides to put on her Dr. Phil hat and horribly mediate the situation. "I feel like she's an evil person who pukes on everything metaphorically," says an annoyed Adam. Caroline, when it's her time to share her feelings, believes Adam has a latent sexual desire for her. Gross, I know.

A lonely Marnie calls Hannah during the fight, and tries to convince her to come over and meet Marnie's new kitten — that she bought from a man's backpack. Hannah refuses because she's in the middle of something important. I mean, let's be real, what could possibly be more important than Marnie?

Hannah then heads to a meeting with a new publisher about her dropped e-book. After gushing about how much they love her stories, they ask Hannah to describe her brand.

"I'm from the Midwest, so I will always be 15-45 pounds overweight, depending on how far I live from the coast, the farther I Am from the coast, the fatter I am," she says as every one bursts into laughter. The entire conversation is pretty painful,  their cheesy laughter—that Hannah mentions is annoying but she doesn't even care— being the most ridiculous part, but they do offer Hannah a deal. Not a e-book but a "real paper book" deal. But don't pull a Hannah and get extremely excited (for her) just yet.

A kitten-less Marnie arrives at Ray's apartment to hear an honest opinion of what exactly is wrong with her. Ray force feeds her a big dose of reality.

"For beginners you’re a extremely judgmental. You come across like you’re better than everyone and you want no part of their lives and then when you’re excluded from things you’re outrageously offended and hold on to this grudge...also you’re unbearably uptight and you use people. You use people a lot—so much so that when you try to connect and be sincere it comes across as phony. I think that sums it up in a nutshell . You’re a huge fat f**kin phony… but that being said I still like you," he says.

Whoop there it is!

Ray then admits that he thinks he may went a little too far, but everyone (including Marnie) knows he hit the nail on the head. Speaking of nailing, Marnie and Ray then proceed to hook up, YUP that happened. As Marnie gets ready to leave, Ray suggests that they keep their rendezvous on the DL.
"Go f**k yourself. Like I'd advertise this," Marnie responds.

Fast forward to a happy Hannah who's eager to share the good news about her actual book with her dad who has just had a "small procedure" that we don't get ot hear about as Hannah immediately interrupts him to tell the good news. He happiness is short lived, however, when he tells her that David's publishing house said Hannah will not receive the rights back to her stories for three years.
"You're loopy from your procedure of whatever," says a defensive and frantic (once again) Hannah.

Hannah returns home devastated and sits down with Caroline who's a little to eager to lend advice, aka her own unrelatable stories about her unsuccessful acting career. This pisses Hannah off and sends her into a raging argument with Caroline who tries to label Adam as an unsupportive boyfriend considering he's not there for Hannah in her time of need. Hannah's "I wish you would shut the f**k up" quickly turns into a "Get the f**k out!" Looks like Adam was right all along.

But as it turns out, Hannah wasn't doing him a favor. "I'm supposed to be taking care of her," he shouts before storming out of the apartment once Hannah shares that she kicked Caroline out.

Drama.

The only way this season can get better is if things are just as crazy and accompanied by great tunes next week. Keep your fingers crossed.

Reach Staff Reporter Cortney Riles here.

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