The cover features Coach Bronson yelling at a ref with a flasher in the background. (Vice/Atlantic)

If you’re looking to give a listen to a hip-hop sequel album by a notoriously insular artist and for the sake of this hypothetical want this artist to be white, you have very specific tastes that border on racism, but don’t reach for Marshall Mathers LP 2. Instead, get in the mindspace of rap’s premiere stoned chef of the underground, Action Bronson. His Blue Chips 2 did indeed deliver on it’s promise to drop on the first day it rained in November; that day was of course November 1, when a powerful storm hit Nova Scotia with fury. 

Action Bronson is notorious for doing whatever the hell he pleases whenever he pleases to do it on his tracks, and Blue Chips 2 is the culmination thus far of his personal style. It comes complete with snippets of NBA player’s postgame rants, commercials that Action would undoubtedly describe as dope, and movies I’ve never seen to compliment a highly erratic and yet somehow completely coherent beat selection. Basically, Mr. Baklava throws the kitchen sink at his listeners, but his kitchen sink happens to have five course meals and 1980s basketball cards in it.

To do a track by track review of Bronsolino’s mixtape is really just a fool’s errand. In his own words on the intro track “Silverado,” “I built this shit… this place I made is quite spacious.” And indeed it is. Something like a very well-decorated dorm room, it’s hazy with incense and marijuana smoke adorned with classic NBA and WWE posters on the walls and flooded with strange music at low enough volumes in for Big Body Bes to talk shit over. In it, we find Action lounging on a couch and picking before an artfully prepared spread of artisanal cheeses, fruits, and exotic lamb cold cuts—pausing only now and then to pine about the effects of wax as he takes another dab. Track by track would destroy the room Action has so carefully constructed, and I’m not about to knock the furry rug off the wall. Instead, I’ll be handing out awards like I’m the Commish, David Stern, and it’s the end of the regular season. Playoffs are upon us, whenever Bronsolino decides to bless us with his label debut. 

READ ALSO: Long, Live the Harlem Kid: A$AP Rocky's New Album

Most Valuable Animal: The shadow of last year’s winner, a crocodile with a machine gun strapped to his head, looms large over the competition, but there was surprisingnumber of highly qualified animals to choose from. On “Pepe Lopez,” we have a suede snake and a silk crocodile, truly Platonic conceptions of these magnificent animals breathed to life by Bam Bam. Perhaps the owls deserve it, as I learned they must be in some sort of danger if they’re having gala benefits for them in “It Concerns Me.” I might have gone for that octopus, but Bronson managed a barehand grab and ate it up fresh. He probably put up a strong fight, but Bronson is a winner, so down the hatch he went. The non-silk gator ended up as a foot display, so I’ll count him out too. Truly though, all the nominees didn’t hold a candle to the deserved winner: the dolphin that Action taught to let slugs fly. I don’t know how many years of training and what Pavlovian techniques had to be used to teach this brilliant animal to slam the hammer, but Action Bronson also deserves a Trainer of the Month award from Sea World and an honorary degree in engineering for creating a gun capable of being used by flippers. 

Best Use of the Phrase “It’s Me”: The song title was actually in the running, but this classic is best used as an ad lib anyway. Bronson loves reminding listeners that the voice in the song is indeed him, almost to the point that one might feel overwhelmed by the many me’s running the tracks. However, one stands out amongst the pack of egos, and that one is on “Practice.” After a snippet of Allen Iverson’s infamous practice rant, you hear the belly-blasting reminder that “It’s motherfucking me.” The whole of Action Bronson’s authentically crafted image is nicely packaged for outsiders new to the chef. This shit isn’t practice, man; don’t even ask the man about practice. Every track is a game, and you know what the Answer and Bronsonilino do on game days: get buckets. Who else? “It’s me.”

READ ALSO: Neon Tommy's full review section

Most Valuable Gift: Face to Face toilets that Loverlino gave his baby in “Rolling Thunder.” No questions, no answers. Just accept the fact that you haven’t ever been so thoughtfully in love with someone to even consider buying this gem, and unfortunately, may never feel these levels of intimacy. Heartwarming stuff.

Most Colorful Description of a Marijuana Extract: Again, many more choices than one uninitiated into Bronson’s world might expect. Immediately, the budder that looks like Sun Chips is ruled out from “Jackson & Travolta”; honestly, this choice is just a weak showing from Bronson, a connoisseur of foods from whom I expect more. Of all the references he could have come up with, he chose the palest and most unattractive of snack chips? We have better options to consider though. “9.24.13” features two strong candidates in “that Barbara Walters wax” and “budder same color as The Weeknd.” That’s a great deal of diversity among the weed extracts for one song. On one hand you have an esteemed and decorated female journalist of a pale skin tone, and yet on the other, you have a rising superstar in revival R&B whose distinct aesthetic could arguably be compared to the insular world of Bam Bam. However, the real winner here is again clear: the “budder the same color as Jalen Rose.” The Barbara Walters wax comes in a spoken intro, and the Weeknd line has it’s effect dampened by some laughter. But on a song like “Practice,” A Jalen Rose reference is not only necessary but utterly crucial for creating the full picture. This Jalen Rose is the same that was a member of the Bulls team implicated in the utterly outrageous and quite frankly unbelievable allegation that players smoked weed before games. Jalen Rose, despite being ringless, remains a winner, sans bat.

Most Valuable Feature: In a fashion typical to Mr. Baklava, the guest features are few, since not many rappers can truly enter into Bronson’s dorm room. There are however a few shining examples. Classic collaborater, Mayhem Lauren is here and delivers his always grimy signature-style verse. Mac Miller brings the youth and adds a bit of cheer to the album. Ab-Soul has one of the best verses on the album and even dips a bit into the Bronson mindset by comparing himself to a unicorn. Perhaps not exactly what Bam Bam would say, but it’s definitely a funny little non sequitur from the intensely philosophical conspiracy theorist. However, the onus of being the best feature was already placed on the man destined for the 16th track, the legendary special guest: Action Bronson. Yes, it was supposed to be Cam’Ron, but I think Action Bronson came out swinging like Barry Bonds rocking a size 8 ball cap. It’s hard to come out on top when you’re going toe to toe with Bam Bam, but Action Bronson does and so deserves the MVF crown.

Best Commercial: On the first go-round through this mixtape, I had to pause just to make sure I wasn’t on Spotify or some other bummy streaming site. But no, that was indeed Phil Mickleson waxing poetic about rheumatoid arthritis; however, Phil is a phony white boy, one whom I imagine Baklava mercilessly mocks whenever he hears the commercial. The Spanish ad was unintelligible to me, but I thoroughly enjoyed the enthusiasm. However, any advertisement featuring Jason Sudekis, Bob Knight, and Digger Phelps in an Action Bronson mixtape deserves the crown.

The Quick and Obvious:

MVP: Action Bronson. This man is producing atmospheric and fully-formed albumbs that reach deep into the soul of one of the coolest rappers out. We haven’t seen cold music being made at this rate since Curren$y from 2009-2011 or Lil Wayne in his Dedication/Drought era. Everyone needs to appreciate it what Action is doing for the Internet. If a rotund, bearded chef-rapper with an obsession for fine dining and nostalgia for pop culture and sports, the internet would have invented him. As far as I can tell from my newsfeed on instagram and twitter, food porn and nostalgia make up 80% of the web.

6th Man Award: Party Supplies. This dude can produce. The man behind the scenes is just as important to this project as Bronson himself. The samplings, ranging from “Tequila” to Genesis, are masterful, tasteful, classful, and wonderful. Bronson knows beats, and Party Supplies crafts them. Pick up the new album.

Coach of The Year: Big Body Bes, best motivator currently coaching unless Phil Jackson comes back.

Email Danny Galvin here.

Follow him on Twitter.