Trick Or Trauma: No Treats For 'Moderately Obese' Children
A woman from North Dakota has taken it it upon herself to provide more than just tricks and treats this Halloween. Instead of chocolates or raisin boxes, children who she deems “moderately obese” that arrive at her door will be receiving letters for their parents informing them about their lack of aptitude in raising a healthy child. But behind the clip-art jack-o-lantern and grammatical errors, here’s what she really means to say:
Dear Chubby Batman,
I’m here to save you from the physical mess you’re in. I know it’s Halloween and you’re out and about roaming the neighborhood in search of thrills and treats like every other kid. But in the state you’re in, you really shouldn’t be indulging in anything remotely fattening—no matter what it is or what the occasion.
You see, your only value lies in your physical appearance and without it, you’re pretty much worthless. I know you’re number one in class, helpful to your peers, and respectful of your teachers, but it appears that you have some pudge on your stomach, so you really shouldn’t be engaging in festivities with everyone who is physically superior to you. Never mind the teasing and harassment you may already experience based on your weight: I am here to tell you that they are all justified in their mockery. You are flawed, undeserving, and you need to change.
I know it may seem a little traumatic that Superman, the skinny blonde boy who turned your friends against you is receiving candy and not you, but trust me: it’s all for your own wellbeing.
And honestly, it’s not entirely your fault—it’s just that your parents are terrible at what they do. You see, they may empower you emotionally and give you lots of love, but if they can’t make enough money to feed you more than just cheap fast food, they’re probably indecent guardians. Now, I know that at this age, you can’t even cut up your own food yet, but you’ll thank me in the long run. It’s good to get a head start on these things.
So remember: stay away from foods that everyone else is eating because it’ll make you fat and no one will like you. Count calories, run laps, measure everything but your spirit. In fact, bonus points if you don’t eat food at all. Maybe that’ll help speed up the process a little so you can wear an actual utility belt with your costume in a couple of years. Then, everyone will love you more and you’ll be treated like a normal human being.
Wouldn’t that be nice?
For now: go back home, take off your costume and try not to cry too much. This is the beginning of the rest of your life, and I’m so happy to have opened your eyes to the possibilities. Have a great Halloween, and a wonderful holiday season!
Sincerely,
Your Local Health Vigilante
Reach Contributor Judy Lee here.