Nick and Jess in bed in "New Girl" (FOX).

After last week’s fun episode of "New Girl," my roommates and I all had high hopes for this week… Then “Double Date” threw us for a loop.  

Opening upon our dearly beloved apartment, we see Shmdit talking on the phone with Elizabeth in the living room. He immediately drops it on the floor when Cici enters from his bedroom, and it is clear that his sordid love triangle is still in the works. 

Jess and Nick emerge from their bedroom, all aglow with coupley love, and suggest a double date with Schmidt and Cici. Then Winston, the perpetual bachelor, walks in with his new buddy, Ferguson (we are all hoping this cat becomes a regular on the show). He immediately gets defensive about not being invited on the double date.

Jess has a solution: Double Date + 1.  Brilliant.

Winton decides to take on the challenge of booking a popular restaurant for the night; and casually mentions bringing Ferguson as his date. It’s a joke - kind of… 

That same morning, Cici comes to Jess’ bedroom for advice - never mind that Nick is already under the sheets. She’s suspicious that Schmidt is on drugs: He has crazy energy, has stopped blinking… Is that whip-its?!

(I didn't even know whip-its was a thing people did anymore. Pop culture teaching me new things every day!)

Jess’ second brilliant solution of the day: Have Nick ask.

...She’s on a roll, that one.

Meanwhile, Winston has gone to make a reservation at the restaurant of choice. He starts off strong - swallowing a piece of glass that he has mistaken for a mint. There are no open reservations at the restaurant for the next seven weeks, and Winston’s attempt to bribe the hostess with an “I Owe You” for $10 is far from successful.  

Back at the apartment, Nick has decided to confront Schmidt. Schmidt pulls his best friend and confidant into his room, and confesses to dating both Elizabeth and Cici. Even though Nick had promised not to be upset, his anger is clear as he yells: “In your little brain, how did you see this ending!?”

Schmidt admits: Very badly.

Then he tells Nick not to say anything to Jess. 

Moments later, we see Nick giving himself a pump up speech in the mirror: “People lie all the time”… “It’s how marriages work!” Realizing that he won’t be able to lie to Jess when he hears her voice in the hallway, Nick resorts to a black motorcycle helmet to keep silent. 

Jess is stoked, “Are we finally going to have no kiss sex?!”  

Nick, unable to speak, merely nods.

At the restaurant, Winston has found himself at the “community table” for groups of miscellaneous people without reservations.  His goal is clear: to scare away as many of those randos as possible to secure seats for tonight’s double date.  

After Nick and Jess have had their fun, Jess asks Nick about Schmidt’s drug use and Nick cracks immediately. Jess storms out of the room, demanding that Schmidt tell Cici.

Cici walks in the door for date night and Schmidt, unable to face reality, makes a run for the restaurant with Cici in hand. As they race to the restaurant, Schmidt tells Cici that the reason for his strange behavior is because he knows Nick is cheating on Jess. Cici, infuriated, storms into the restaurant to find: 

Winston.  

…Who has managed to secure the entire “community table” for himself despite the complaints of the hostess.

Poor Nick... (FOX).

Jess and Nick, who had been driving closely behind, rush into the restaurant. Jess tries to tell Cici the truth - but not before Cici delivers several strong blows between Nick's legs.

It is then that Schmidt walks into the restaurant and sorrowfully tells Cici the truth: he has been cheating on her with Elizabeth.  

Schmidt apologizes. He didn’t want to hurt anyone, especially Cici. He blames his weight loss, “I used to be so fat. I don’t know how to do this. I got lost. And I’m sorry.” He tells her that if she takes anything away from this, she should know how much he cares about her. 

Cici looks at him critically, and asks if that is the best he can do. “I don’t know you,” she says. “Goodbye, Schmidt.”

Winston, clearly agitated, breaks the tension: “I hate to do this right now, but if we don’t sit, we will lose this table.”

After what we can assume was no date night - Jess and Nick watch as Elizabeth slams a pie into Schmidt’s face at the apartment. "You broke my heart," she says. "Mail me my mouthguard."  

You know who had Elizabeth’s number? Cici did. 

Schmidt, covered in pie and more alone then ever, looks at Nick and Jess and vows to break them up.

The episode comes to a close with Nick and Jess confessing things about themselves that Schmidt could use against them: “I believe that horses are from outer space,” says Nick. “I believe that too,” agrees Jess.

What a couple of weirdos… But you’ve got to love them. 

Tune into "New Girl" next week for what will hopefully be a more uplifting episode, with a little more fun and a little more Ferguson. 

Preview of next week: 

Reach Kendall Robertson here.