I am a 25-year-old female who has never had a legitimate relationship. To say that my dating life has been bad would be an understatement. It has been a disaster. Among my circle of friends, I’m known as having some of the most horrific experiences in dating. From the guy who openly admitted to taking a colon cleanser right before our date and later told me about the dump he took during an emergency bathroom break, to the one who grilled me about my dad the entire way to and from the restaurant—taking very seriously the rumor that girls are attracted to men similar to their fathers—I’ve had some doozies in the dating realm.

Throughout my life females have always surrounded me. The jobs I took, the university I attended and the organizations I have joined all have been primarily comprised of women. The best ratio I was given in a setting was 5:1 girls to guys. These odds, along with my inability to “put myself out there,” as my roommate always tells me, have stacked up against me. And so, over the past two years since my 23rd birthday I have signed up for five different dating sites, none of which were done in a sober mindset.

EHarmony was an instant fail. Immediately following my down payment I began looking at my matches. I came across one eligible bachelor who seemed appealing, well traveled and educated. As I scrolled through his pictures—he was pretty attractive and over 6’0—I clicked onto one I had seen before. The American flag in the background gave it away. It was the president of the Republican’s club from my university. A guy who had cornered me for hours my freshman year to talk about the bible passages he could recite that support Bush’s presidency. Three months later I cancelled my subscription. I should have cancelled it that night.

Match.com did not last long. After a few beers I pulled out my credit card to charge it. The next morning I woke up to my bank calling me to confirm a $119 charge to my account for an escort service (in case you didn’t know this, dating sites are placed under this category). The bold print on the site had said $19, but the fine print said that it was a minimum of six months that would be paid for together. I shot out of bed to cancel my subscription, telling them that my friends had gotten ahold of my card and signed me up as a joke.

OK Cupid connected me with a man who continued to send me some of the creepiest selfies I have ever seen. They were topless mirror shots with him staring dead into the camera, stone-facing it. #ICant. He looked like a murderer who had just finished slaying his recent victim (See image above for the most appropriate representation). He would send me one of these mysterious photos with no explanatory text and a day later ask if I got his picture. I never admitted to getting those photos, always alleging that my phone was broken. And I have never figured out what the hell are you supposed to say to these kinds of pictures? Nice pecs. You seem like a really nice guy. Oh wait I’ll send you a topless pic too! I never caught his name and cancelled every date until I finally had to tell him that I moved to Seattle. A week later I deleted that account. For any guy who is reading this: DO NOT SEND THESE PICTURES TO GIRLS YOU HAVE NOT MET! IT IS CREEPY.

Plenty of Fish never really took off. After OKC I did not have the energy to weed out the non-creepers.

That brings me to my current dating site, which I won’t share until I’ve deleted the account. This one seems fun. It is designed to avoid those online relationships where you get caught in the messaging phase and never meet in person. You are not given the opportunity to research your match to the point of becoming your own private investigator, so I am going on these dates pretty much blinded. The only information I know (or might know) is their height, occupation and photos they choose to post.

I am not looking for a husband, just potential good conversation between sips of wine, which in Los Angeles can be hard to find—well, except for the wine. I am finally ready to jump into the murky waters of online dating and just grin and bear it through the good, the bad and the awkward. At this juncture in my dating life, it can only go up from here.

Check back every Thursday for more misadventures in online dating.