Damn straight, girl. (via sookiesteeth/Tumblr)

Over at Comptonville, Jess is high on dead Bellefleur faerie girls and grosses everyone out by trying to make out with Bill, who is having none of it. In fact, Bill can sense that Warlow is in trouble from Lilith’s prophety power inside him. He tells Jess to sleep it off and whooshes to Sookie’s. As his “maker,” Bill commands Warlow to come with him. Does this mean everyone puts their clothes on now?

While Bill’s out, Andy shows up to find only one of his daughters still breathing. Jess, still freaking out, makes a run for it.

Vampire Olympics 2014. (vampire-blondie/Tumblr)

Tara delivers the bad news to Eric: “they got Pam.” Eric’s master plan? They surrender themselves over to the LAVTF (Let’s Attack Vampires Tonight, Fool). Pam is already at vamp camp, passing through various experiments including fang extraction and “copulation studies.” And yes, there’s a vampire running on a giant hamster wheel. This show. This. Show.

Sarah Newlin is still trying to convince Gov. Burrell to let Willa go. Oh, and put a ring on it. And have her baby. And “unwrap” her black lingerie. Gosh, she's demanding.

Cut to white people speaking Aramaic! Look there’s Ben! I mean Warlow. Down by the river doin’ the hanky pank and getting turned by Lilith. Bill has all of Warlow’s memories, he explains, as he takes a sample of the vamp-faerie’s blood for more experimenting.

Feeling rejected by her gay ex-husband and old bald boyfriend, Sarah shows up at Jason’s house to “save his soul.” Jason explains he’s a different person since their time at Fellowship of the Sun. But hey, he’s Jason, and gives Sarah the “pretty damn heterosexual” lovin’ she asks for. Looks like Jason is still trippin’ from that Ben shaving dream from last week.

Alcide heads to a backwoods bar and annoyingly introduces himself as the “packmaster of Shreveport” to everyone. He’s still looking for Emma, but runs into his dad instead, and decides to beat him up aka no one cares.

Jess comes running to Jason for validation that she’s a good dead person, still crazy high on faerie blood. He says he loves her sure, but there’s still Sarah in the other room. She quotes some bible at Jess and calls the LAVTF (I seriously hate this acronym) to cart her off to vamp camp.

Speaking of, Eric gets put in the “white room” for a little game of slaughter-the-other-vampires-before-they-slaughter-you. And look, Eric wins! I wonder if Katniss Everdeen will show up and take everyone out. Pretty please?

Boom shakalaka. (blondiepoison/Tumblr)

While some vamps run on hamster wheels, Pam is more evolved and gets to go to therapy! She’d rather copulate than go to therapy. For every meaningful answer she gives the nice doctor, she gets to drink off of a living donor. Pam proceeds to spill on the maker-progeny relationship, and what it means to be released, as Eric did to her. These scenes solidify Kristen Bauer van Straten as the most entertaining actress on the show, regardless of what she’s doing. Long story short? Pam. Rules.

Sookie has been thinking a lot about what Warlow said, that whole your-parents-tried-to-kill-you thing. She shows up at Merlotte’s to ask Lafayette (!!!!) to channel some Stackhouse spirits for her and get the real scoop from the source.

Meanwhile, Terry sits down to coffee with army friend Justin, and oh, asks the guy to like, maybe kill him some time? He can’t take the guilt from offing Patrick last season. Seriously, Terry? You’re going to leave Arlene and your kids? Sad face.

Andy is mighty depressed with 75% of his faerie girls gone. He managed to save one by feeding her vampire blood. Holly tries to comfort him, and says there’s no point in trying to fight Bill or Jessica. He just needs to be a good dad to No Name Bellefleur.

Over at On The Lam Motel, Nicole is second guessing helping (and sleeping with?) Sam. He stops her from using the payphone and Daddy Herveaux notices them arguing from his own motel room.

The giiiiirls room! (truebloodmashups/Tumblr)

In the girls ward at vamp camp, Jess is happy to see Tara. Jess isn’t hungry for her blood dosage, and the rest of the vamp ladies spring for it. A rando vamp comes to their rescue and says they’ll “owe her.” Who’s this gal? Another one of Godric’s children? Bill’s other long-lost progeny? Who knows. A guard passes by with Willa, who gets put in her own cell for being the boss’s daughter. I guess there’s no hair braiding in store for her anytime soon.

Sookie and Lafayette get ready to summon the dead, but Jason is too busy signing up for the LAVTF (Anti-Vampire Something Blah Blah Blah). Sookie is able to access a memory of her parents arguing with Warlow, who tried to convince the Stackhouses to let him marry and turn Sook into a faerie-vampire-princess. Daddy Stackhouse threw a young Sookie in the car and decided he’d rather kill her then let Warlow have her. The ghost of Sookie’s dad gets super pissed at this and possesses Lala, reenacting his original plans by throwing adult Sookie into the trunk of Lala’s car. Eep!

Warlow is getting antsy down in Bill’s basement. He threatens to kill Takahashi, an innocent, and gets reminded of how Lilith sent him to kill his entire village (except for Niall, as we learned) after being turned. He was super guilty though, and took his revenge on Lilith by faerie blasting a hole in the sky to make her extra crispy.

Tributes, go! (dgsafdmd/Tumblr)

Sarah is back from vacationing on Jason’s dick, and has a surprise for the Governor. It’s time for Hunger Games Part 2! But this time it’s Eric versus Pam, and holy cowsville this is stressful. Looks like Pam’s therapist used his intel to craft some fun revenge for Burrell. “Go ahead Pam,” says the doctor. “Show me how little he means to you.”

Lala/Sookie’s Dad pulls up to the river and tries to drown Sookie, making us wonder who exactly will save her next episode. Unfortunately most of her friends are in vamp camp. Will Bill decide she’s not dead to him? Will Warlow find a way to escape? Will it be Jason and the entire LAVTF? WILL THEY EVER TELL US WHAT THIS ACRONYM STANDS FOR?!

Watch a sneak peak of next week here!

Reach staff reporter Becca Grumet here. Follow her on Twitter here.