OMG RLY?!?11!! (vampireblondie/Tumblr)

This week on True Blood, exciting things happened! It's a miracle! Excitement abounds. 

The episode starts off with the twist everyone saw coming, in that Ben extends some all-too familiar vamp fangs and gives Jason his blood while Sookie isn't looking. A faerie vamp? No waysville! Niall finds Nora in the woods, who says Warlow is the only one who can kill Lillith. Somehow that doesn't seem super likely. Niall shoves her with some faerie light and sends her off to get arrested by the Governor's LAVTF (Losers After Vampires Totally n' Forever) and sent to "camp." 

Alcide announces to the pack that "Emma got took" by Sam and the hipster who got away, Nicole, is in on it too. Meanwhile, the rest of Nicole's friends got kinda disemboweled. Lala arrives as the getaway car for Sam n' company. Note to writers: Lala deserves more. Please tell me there's more storyline coming for him in the back half of the season. 

Gov. Burrell silver oxides Ginger's place but still no sign of his daughter. Down in the sewers, Pam summons Tara and Eric makes his grandprogeny spill the beans on Willa's whereabouts. Dysfunctional family time, etc. 

Andy's faerie daughters read Terry's mind and know all the juicy details about the Patrick murder. Andy sends them to bed, and in a matter of seconds they go from tweeny boppers to full-grown teenagers. These girls obviously saw Spring Breakers, because they decide being a teenager means putting on the smallest clothes you can find and heading out for the drank. The girls steal Andy's police cruiser and head out to the convenience store (from the pilot!). Bill and Jessica follow them in their fancy SUV. Ruh roh.

Not only is Jason doing better, but he's up to 241 pull-ups and never looked better. Sookie's not buying it, she's been through this. Plus oh hey, there's Ben's blood on the floor. Sookie tries some faerie mojo on it, and yep, vampire blood. What up, Benlow. 

"Watch and learn, Tinkerbells." (vampireblondie/Tumblr)

Jess glamors the sleazy convenience store clerk to buy Andy's daughters some beer. Oh my gosh, Jess is like, so cool. Let's go to Casa de Billith, she says! They can party it up there. Oh, and Bill will steal some of their blood so Takahashi can synthesize it down in Bill's basement/prison. 

Aaaand now for the second gay sex dream in True Blood history, we get a steamy? shaving dream sequence with Jason and Ben. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be erotic or uncomfortable or both. But Jason is certainly freaked out about it when he wakes up. 

Eric finds Willa waiting for him at the fairgrounds. She's totally down for the vampire cause and thinks her dad is a psycho. "Do you really want to help me?" Eric asks, and drops down in a hole to turn the Governor's virginal daughter. Pam wasn't super down to find out about her Aunt Nora, I wonder what she'll think of a sister. 

"You're so pretty, I don't even care that there's a huge pool of blood behind my head." (vampireblondie/Tumblr)

Nicole's leg is all gross plus she just lost all her "people." Uh hello, Luna died like a few days ago. Sam doesn't want Lala entangled any further into his mess, and rather than accept the free wheels, shifts into a horse to carry Emma and Nicole on his back. "Sh*t!" Nicole exclaims. Yeah, Sam is pretty rad. Which is why she probably hooks up with him later in their motel room. Because they're both grieving, of course. And this is "True Blood."

Sookie shows up at Ben's motel to invite him over for dinner. "I was hoping that maybe you and Niall could go to a movie," she says in a voicemail to Jason. She wants the house to herself for sexy times, or y'know, Warlow killin' times. "Ben" is going down, especially with that liquid silver all over his food. 

But what Sookie doesn't know is that Jason and Niall have already figured Benlow out after examining Jason's homoerotic dream. They attack Ben at the motel, but Ben glamors Jason to forget what he ever saw and sucks Niall dry without swallowing any of the other faerie's blood. Looks like Jason forgot to put on those anti-glamor contacts at the police station. Sigh.

"Yummmm arms." (jenpero/Tumblr)

The faerie blood is disintegrating too fast to study, Takahashi tells Bill. It's cool, Bill has four "donors" upstairs and can go get some more samples. Until Jessica goes crazy and eats them all. Looks like we won't get to see #1-4 Bellefleur hit their roaring twenties. 

Willa's a foul-mouthed horny vampire now and feels great! That is, until Eric tells her to run home to daddy. Like, her other one. Don't worry, she's special, he says. She's gotta convince the Governor that all vampires were human once. 

Tara believes trying to save Willa was the right thing to do. She fights with Pam and runs off, just as Pam gets shot and carried off by the LAVTF (Lame Anti-Vampire Task Force). Nooooooo! Looks like Bill's vision is becoming more and more true. 

The Governor's new lady Sarah Newlin wants some lovin' but is interrupted by Willa's arrival. She's a pretty convincing trick for Eric's cause, but Eric forgot one thing: newborn baby vamps just wanna eat. Willa goes after the bandage on the Governor's hand and gets herself sent off to camp. 

Benlow explains that he spared Niall's life as a baby and will do so again, throwing him into the portal he came through as Cowboy Warlow at the beginning of the season. Did I mention Benlow also has a British accent? It sounds waaaaay evil. 

Andy and Jason hit up the convenience store with no luck. But when Jason tells Andy that faerie blood is vampire catnip, Andy knows exactly where to look for the girls and speeds off towards Billith's. 

"I know that's not your real accent." (vampireblondie/Tumblr)

The whole portal-throwing thing made Ben late for Sookie's dinner date and she's super pissed. Well, mainly about him being Warlow. She gives him a shot to fess up, asking "What is it you want from me?" but Ben gives her some "romantic" bullsh*t about understanding him. She keeps up her innocent girl act until she's all nekkid and got Ben hovering over her on the couch with a faerie light-ball to his head. "You can get off me now," Sook breathes into his ear. "Get the f*ck off me or die, Warlow." Now that's what I'm talkin' about. 

Will Jess join Nora and Pam in vampire camp for killing Andy's girls? Will Benlow and Sookie have a faerie showdown? More gay sex dreams?!?! 

Who knows. But you can watch a preview of episode five here!

Reach staff reporter Becca Grumet here. Follow her on Twitter here.