I’ve only ever once had sex on the first date. I didn’t think I had any feelings for him, which very quickly proved to be false. Not surprisingly, this “relationship” didn’t go too far. I’ve always followed my rule of no sex on the first date, the first hookup, the first hangout, whatever you’d like to call it, so this was the first and only exception I’ve made. Pretty much immediately, I remembered why I created the rule in the first place.  

The only reason I even did break it was because I had no intentions of this guy being anything more than someone to hookup with, or a “booty call” if you will. If this is your intention and you can actually stick to the idea of someone being nothing more to you than sex, then there’s definitely no time that is too soon to have sex. But when feelings are involved it gets a bit trickier. 

Unfortunately, there’s no set number of dates or days that gives you the perfect time to get down to business. Still, there are a few “rules” or guidelines that can help you figure your specific perfect time. According to Match.com’s professional sexologist, Sari Locker, knowing you’re “the only one” is one of the most important factors. If you’re looking for something very serious, then yes, I completely agree. Having sex with someone you want to be your boyfriend or girlfriend before you’re the only one is not going to accomplish anything. Very rarely will they actually consider you anything more than a booty call. Because sadly, if you want commitment and they don’t, and you’ve already given them their true desire, you're just going to turn to the other guy or girl who will also have sex with them but isn’t asking for more.  

Sometimes, though, your goal for the path of a relationship isn’t always as clear as monogamous relationship vs. purely sex. Sometimes, you just don’t know. In this scenario, I still wouldn’t have sex on the first date. You just don’t want to do this too soon because you need to get to know the person at least a little without complicating it with physical emotions.

When you don’t quite know what you want from the other person, the appropriate time to have sex is simply when you feel comfortable enough to be naked with the other person. This generally takes a few dates (or a little alcohol), but will probably be able to give you enough of a gage to figure out when is right for you. I also recommend hooking up with the person a little first (as in doing things that don’t involve actual sex) and see how you feel. Waiting also builds up the anticipation, which makes the sex 100 times hotter.  

Everyone is obviously a bit different and there are always exceptions to these rules. In some cases it’s possible that sex on the first date won’t take anything away from a future relationship, but I just don’t recommend it. Regardless of whether a relationship is your end goal, something to keep in mind is that when you do have sex, women's bodies are known to release oxytocin, a hormone that makes you feel more attached to your partner, at a much higher rate than men.

This is why “friends with benefits” types of relationships are so hard to maintain, and why women so often get accused of becoming attached to the guy. Sometimes, it’s biologically unavoidable. So be careful if you think sex is all you want, because you could fall victim like myself, and unintentionally end up wanting more.  

Comment below with your thoughts about the perfect time in a relationship to have sex. Or email SexSCapades@neontommy.com with questions regarding this topic and questions to be addressed next week!