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NCAA Tournament: Six Most Annoying People In Your Bracket Pool

David Tobia |
March 18, 2013 | 1:58 a.m. PDT

Staff Writer

You should fill out a bracket, just follow some rules. (Justin Sewell/Creative Commons)
You should fill out a bracket, just follow some rules. (Justin Sewell/Creative Commons)
On Sunday, some Americans celebrated Saint Patrick's Day and some celebrated a more important holiday: Selection Sunday. College basketball may not provide the same basketball quality it once did, but the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship still serves as the most exciting American sports tournament of the year. The most fun and unifying experience comes as everyone fills out brackets, initially feels brilliant and excited, and within a week stupid and depressed. It's all part of the madness, and all part of the fun.

But amid every activity lurk people who can ruin the fun. So as you fill out your bracket this year, try to avoid becoming one of the six most annoying people in a bracket pool:

6. The Bracket Critic:

It's Monday morning and all this guy cares about is your bracket. "Who you got in your Final Four?!?" he asks. Then he analyzes your whole bracket and points out good and bad picks based 100 percent on whether or not they match his bracket. "Belmont over Arizona? GREAT pick! Belmont can really score and Arizona can't guard the three at all!" 

Shut up, you jester. It's not a great pick just because you wrote it on your stupid piece of paper too. And easy on the basketball analysis there, Wooden. We all watched Bracketology last night also, so let's take it easy. You didn't watch Belmont this year. Stop kidding yourself.

5. Multiple Bracket Guy:

Last year, this guy had Lehigh over Duke, Ohio over Michigan, and called all four Final Four teams. Problem is he filled out 12 brackets and didn't have more than two Final Four teams in any of them. But that didn't stop him from bragging about how he called every upset even though he literally covered every possible first-round scenario on one of his brackets. Sick call, dude.

The worst part about this guy might not even be the first round, though. At that point, everyone kind of knows he's an idiot and you can shut him down by asking how many brackets he filled out. It gets worst later when one of his 12 brackets actually works out decently well and he starts referring to it as his "main bracket." Hey guy, you don't have a main bracket. You filled out 12. Brackets are like children. You have to love them all equally, and if you have 12, none is really that special to you.

4. Number Ones in the Final Four: 

This guy is insufferable. A lot of times it's the high school basketball stud who now worships Jay Bilas and says he picks one seeds not because he's boring, but because his higher understanding of basketball dictates they're the best teams in the country. He genuinely doesn't want a single upset in the tournament because he's looking forward to "good basketball" and doesn't want those crappy mid-majors ruining his viewing experience by bringing fun or excitement. That would be a huge bummer.

P.S. This year, this loser will replace Gonzaga with Ohio State and call it his upset pick.

3. Upset Bracket Guy:

Sometimes this is the same guy who picks all number ones in his Final Four (but makes a second bracket just for fun!) and sometimes its some clown who thinks he's hilarious. A 16-seed has never beaten a one? Well I bet Long Island University-Brooklyn beats Indiana and is the first! LOL! And then after they beat Indiana, I bet they make the final and beat Harvard 234-200 in 6 overtimes! Double LOL!!!

Upset bracket guy loves Harvard in the tournament. They really get a hoot and a holler out of that. Upset bracket guy also picks a stupid tiebreaker score 973,591,751 times out of 100. Maybe I can't really fault him for that. It's not like the tiebreaker score even remotely matters on their bracket considering they have zero chance of not coming in last. And even if LIU-Brooklyn were to play Harvard in the final, I'm pretty sure this guy is the only one with that on his bracket and wouldn't really have to worry about a tiebreaker. So you know what: do you, upset bracket guy - do you.

Picking UCLA to lose does not count as an upset (Beaverbasketball/Creative Commons)
Picking UCLA to lose does not count as an upset (Beaverbasketball/Creative Commons)
2. Vegas Guy:

If picking all one seeds in the Final Four guy is a rectangle, this guy is a square. Just taking loserhood to a whole new level. Filling out an NCAA bracket: fun. Betting on NCAA games: fun. Using betting lines to fill out your bracket based almost 100 percent on who's favored: you're a Dorkosaurus Rex.

This guy is taking Minnesota (#11) over UCLA (#6) in the first round because Minnesota is a three-point favorite. Not because Minnesota rebounds on the offensive end better than anyone in the country, and not because UCLA just lost Jordan Adams and his 15 points per game. Nah, Vegas slaves just see an opportunity to pick an "upset" and hop on that because they know the rest of their bracket is chalkier than a sidewalk outside a preschool. 

These guys think they're so smart that they're making picks based on probability and stuff, but guess what nerds: everyone knows the higher seed is supposed to win. We understand that. Doesn't make it fun to pick them all and support it with some stupid explanation like "oh, well Notre Dame is actually -112 on the money line so they should pull this one out against Iowa State." Just stop. Put away your spreadsheet and have some fun.

1. Pizza Hut Customers: 

I already hate Pizza Hut and all chain pizza because it's disgusting, but Pizza Hut is doing all it can to take away the top spot of hatred away from that weirdo Papa John and his husband Peyton Manning. Pizza Hut already announced it would give away free pizzas if a 16 beats a one seed, or if a 10 seed wins the national championship (in honor of that gross $10 dinner box thing). And now they're saying they'll give away free pizzas if all four number one seeds make the Final Four. Pizza Hut basically just covered all the bases of my hatred by picking a 16 to win, filling out multiple brackets, and rooting for all the one seeds. Holy Moly, Pizza Hut, that's an impressive display of bracket absurdity.



Reach Staff Writer David Tobia here, or follow him on Twitter.



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