Here at the University of Southern California (USC), we have an epidemic on our hands of SCary proportions; a lamentable lexiphanicism that threatens to tear our SCampus apart. It started before you even arrived in Los Angeles as a freshman, when you attended a SCend-off. It permeates your everyday life when you reach into your wallet and pull out your SCard. You might even be feeling SCandalous and want to read Neon Tommy’s new column, the SexSCpades.

The epidemic I’m describing is the chronic overuse of SCwords. It all started sometime between 1880 and now, when someone made the riveting connection that the abbreviated acronym SC could be used cleverly in the title of things having to do with USC.

In case you’re curious, there are over 1400 words in the English language alone that begin with "sc," from scab to scything. Adding in any word that just contains the requisite "s" followed by "c," and there are over 4000. Long story SChort, this epidemic isn’t going away anytime soon.

Coping with the SCwords epidemic can be difficult. On an afternoon walk down Trousdale, one might even experience SCword-overload. On t-shirts, fliers, banners, patterned flower beds; they’re everywhere.

Some SCwords are obvious: SCallers is an organization that employs USC students to call you and ask for donations. Other SCwords are literal: SCions are the descendants of USC alumni, and scion literally means, “a descendant of a wealthy, aristocratic, or influential family.” (I see what you did there, USC...) However, some SCwords are just downright confusing: perhaps you thought a SCupper was a hole in the wall of an open air structure for the purposes of draining water. You're wrong. It is in fact a dinner for students hosted at a USC alumnus’ house.

The worst is that awkward moment when you attempt to actually use a SCword in conversation. Imagine trying to explain to a friend that you had attended a SCupper. Do you pronounce the hard "c," or do you just say "supper"? Do you risk sounding like a moron in light of having to explain that you’re trying to use a SCword? The experience is diSComforting, to say the least.

The solution to ending the epidemic is simple: we must limit our use of SCwords - to never.

 

Reach Contributor Christopher Robinson here; follow him here.