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Archie Manning Vs. Jack Harbaugh: A Battle For NFL Dad Supremacy

David Tobia |
February 1, 2013 | 7:40 p.m. PST

Staff Writer

These guys and their dad rule the NFL. (SDK/Creative Commons)
These guys and their dad rule the NFL. (SDK/Creative Commons)
Archie Manning is the king of the NFL dad kingdom. His sons have combined for three Super Bowl MVPs and have passed for nearly 52 miles of yardage in their careers. One son has led a Hall of Fame career and has entered the argument as the greatest quarterback ever, while his brother has led two of the best Super Bowl winning drives. Archie is the king of kings, sitting back watching his sons dominate the most important position in America’s most popular sport.

But nowadays everyone’s all hyped up on this Harbowl nonsense and Jack Harbaugh, some guy who spent his whole life coaching teams with the prefix “Western” (Michigan and Kentucky). He also raised sons who are apparently pretty good at coaching, judging by the fact that their teams both made the Super Bowl. But with that Super Bowl in Archie’s town of New Orleans, there’s no way the champ is giving up his title easily. Let’s take a look at the matchup:

Home-Field Advantage:
At first glance, it seems like Archie’s got this one locked up. He played for the Saints. The game is in the Super Dome. Game over. But on second glance, you realize Archie played for the worst team ever and only had a 30.4 winning percentage at home. This prompted fans to rename the team “The Aints” and wear bags over their heads. Not a good look for Archibald. But on third glance, you start number-crunching and realize Archie only won 18.3 percent of his road games. So after some complex mathematics (namely division) we see Archie is 5/3 as powerful in New Orleans as out. So sure, the fact that he only won 37 games in a 13-season career makes him borderline the worst quarterback ever, but he's way not as bad at home as he is on the road. Plus, Archie is actually good at being a dad, so this spells all sorts of trouble for Jack.
Verdict: Advantage Archie
Timeliness:
Jim and John will coach in the Super Bowl on Sunday. Eli and Peyton will watch from the stands. Or probably a box because they’re rich. Peyton’s old and Eli’s season highlight was making the Pro Bowl. Overall kind of a rough patch for the Manning crew.
Verdict: Advantage Jack
QBs v. Coaches:
Brent Musburger has an opinion on this matter.
And yeah, apparently Jim Harbaugh played in the NFL once upon a time. Well, now you’re a coach. Live in the present, cheater.
Verdict: Advantage Archie
Parenting Style:
You know how John Harbaugh got into the coaching business? Daddy hooked him up with an internship. John is that kid who gets straight C's, brags about how he’s such a boss because he doesn’t go to class, and then goes around telling about the sweet internship he landed at Goldman Sachs this summer. Except John’s internship wasn’t some boring job filing papers, it was some boring job telling Western Michigan’s running backs how to run (Otis Cheathem led the team in rushing that season with a whopping 778 yards). According to the Google machine, he’s the only person in America with the name Otis Cheathem (not surprising I guess) and currently works as a field account executive at FedEx. This has to be the only Super Bowl article to ever mention hiim, right? I can't wait to tag him in this post and get him all search engine optimized up in this. Then, when he Googles himself in like a year and a half he'll find this since it's probably the only article ever on him. Hi Otis! I'm David).
Archie doesn’t baby his kids like that wimp-breeder Jack. Oh Cooper, you have spinal stenosis? Suck it up, kid. And bam. Now Cooper’s an energy executive rolling in cash money. People who feel bad for Cooper are so naive. He's living the dream.
Also, the competition is to be the best NFL dad, not grandfather. Both Archie and Jack have grandchildren, but there are some differences:
1. Between Jim, John and Joani Harbaugh, Jack has 10 grandchildren. Archie has just two (both Peyton’s). Cooper may have kids but Google doesn’t seem to think so, so we’ll just pretend he doesn’t. He’s too busy being a mogul to have kids anyway.
2. Jim Harbaugh just had a son named Jack. This is game over, right? I feel like most dads stop being dads with the birth of their first grandchild. They just kick into cool, laid-back grandpa mode. So if Jack isn’t in grandpa mode by the simple fact that he has 10 grandchildren, then having one named after him has to put it over the edge, right? Jack hardly qualifies as a dad anymore, so Archie has to win.
Ultimate Verdict:
Jack can have his little moment to shine on Sunday, but Archie still rules the NFL. The only sleeper here is Jim Harbaugh. He’s the real challenger to take over the NFL dad crown. You could tell me his not even one-year-old son won’t be the best QB of all time, but you’d be wrong. First, Jim actually has athletic ability considering he played in the NFL, so boom...the kid has got good genes. Second, this kid’s life is going to be more planned out than Todd Marinovich’s. Jim isn’t even close to sane. I wish there was a way to bet on the MVP in 2031 because if there’s still an NFL there’s no doubt Jack Harbaugh wins. See you then.
Reach Staff Writer David Tobia here or follow him on Twitter.


 

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