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Your Rundown Of This Week's Most Insane Stories

Calum Hayes |
January 17, 2013 | 4:37 p.m. PST

Contributor

AIG is suing the government because of the onerous terms of its bailout...? (Mindy Georges, Creative Commons)
AIG is suing the government because of the onerous terms of its bailout...? (Mindy Georges, Creative Commons)
I had intended to write about something else for this column, but given recent happenings on this here World Wide Web I couldn’t help but cobble together a list. We’ll be running through the craziest stories of the week (interoperate crazy how you’d like) and rating them anywhere from “ok, this is a little weird” to “What do you mean you’re not out-of-control-pumped for Justin Timberlake’s new album?!?”

We’ll count down from five to one (who doesn’t like a little suspense?). Without further ado

5. Rundown: This week, the White House responded to a petition signed by nearly 35 thousand citizens calling for it to build a fully operational Death Star. It cannot be confirmed that George Lucas was among those who signed.

Verdict: I don’t usually indulge ridiculous ideas, but I could be talked into this…Then again, for everyone claiming Obama is a bully, this is probably a good thing. The guy who ran the last death star was an emperor, after all.

4. Rundown: So AIG is attempting to sue the United States government for the terms of its bailout being too onerous? I’d love to have a great witty retort here, but all I can come up with is: wait, seriously? AIG happily took $182 billion a mere five calendar years ago, and is now claiming that the interest rates they were charged as a result of their lack of funds prevented their shareholders from making as much money as possible? Isn’t greed how we got into this mess? Also, isn’t charging ridiculous interest rates while bailing people out pretty much what AIG uses as a business model? AIG may have backed off this idea given public backlash, but still, c’mon man.

Verdict: If you think this is in any way justified or a good idea, I’ve got some beachfront property in Idaho to sell you.

3. Rundown: In case you hadn’t had your fill of bitter Tea Partiers comparing Obama to Hitler for the week, I’m glad I am here to help. Whether or not you are someone who voted for our current president, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you are intelligent enough to not compare him to the man who came up with the Holocaust.

Verdict: If you happen to believe that Obama is like Hitler, I appreciate your readership but if you’ll proceed just down the hall we have a shuttle waiting to take you to the brand new Death Star we built.

2. Rundown: Part of me hopes you didn’t waste the full thirty minutes watching this video, but part of me hopes you did so I’m not the only one who is looking for a “get wasted minutes of your life back” hotline to call. To roughly recap…the media, our government and the families of victims are all in cahoots on this one? They all got together to lie to us about how the Connecticut shooting happened? As the creator of the video says himself, "When Sandy Hook first happened I just had a feeling like it was all too perfect." I don’t know about you, but rarely when we have a mass shooting in an elementary school do the words “too perfect” come to mind.

Verdict: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would like some input on his “the Holocaust didn’t actually happen” museum.

1. Rundown: Notre Dame’s star linebacker, Manti Te’o (runner up in the Heisman trophy voting), played this season with a heavy heart. Both his grandmother and girlfriend died within a span of just a few days back in September. Small problem…the girlfriend didn’t die, and most likely isn’t real. Te’o stated that he had an online relationship with Ms. Kekua. Unfortunately for Mr. Te’o, both he and his father have spent previous months detailing how he and Ms. Kekua met, and how she flew to Hawaii to spend time with him. Even if Mr. Te’o was duped, he said he found out on 12/26/12, and the BCS championship game was 01/07/13 - by my calculations, nearly a full two weeks later - two weeks during which Mr. Te’o and his coaches filmed a segment on his relationship with his dead girlfriend for ABC.

Verdict: Well, this is awkward. This produced arguably the best day in Twitter history; I choose to leave you with my favorites.

  • “These Te'o jokes are all very funny but let's all try and remember that a person who never existed is dead” @sethmeyers21
  • “I would say this is the nail in the coffin for Manti Teo, but alas, there is no coffin” @jozenc
  • “I'm glad Manti Te'o's fake dead girlfriend isn't around to see this” @juliussharp
  • “*Manti Te'o watches Clint Eastwood speaking to an empty chair* *nods approvingly*” @BMcCarthy32

And from the man himself 86 days ago…

  • “Don't let your dreams stay dreams! Make them a reality!” @MTeo_5

Excuse me Mr. Te’o? We have a call on line two from some people hoping to make the Death Star a reality.

 

Reach Contributor Calum Hayes here; follow him here.



 

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