There’s so many great candidates to choose this election! I've been having a tough time deciding between Barry, Mitch, Johnson, Stein, and even Goode.

So with all these choices, how does a simple-minded man like me choose? I could always pick a name out of a hat, make an origami fortune teller, entrust an octopus to pick or write in two random words from the dictionary (Wombat Nipple got my vote using this method). But I want a technique that helps me make an informed decision. The fate of my country is at stake you know. Every vote counts!

Then I decided: you know what - I know more about football than politics, so why not use football to explain who I should vote for? So that’s exactly what I did. I went issue by issue and let football do the explaining.

The Economy

Drew Brees believes everyone has the right to catch passes. That’s why he’s completed passes to 13 different players this season. He also doesn’t really favor anyone, as Marques Colston leads the team with 44 receptions. This represents only 21% of Brees’s completions - a low percentage for a number one receiver. Four players on the saints have at least 17 receptions, making up a strong middle class. But seven pass catchers on the Saints have four catches or fewer this season. I understand that times are tough in this down economy, but sometimes I wonder if these players are just sitting around taking up roster space without contributing much to the overall benefit of the team. Brees gives them the benefit of the doubt. 

Jay Cutler has heard enough of that socialist mumbo-jumbo while playing in Obama’s backyard. He’s all about the one percent, and has shown it by rationing 41 percent of the team’s completions and 58 percent of the receiving touchdowns to one player - or 8 percent of the team’s pass catchers. Brandon Marshall and Jay Cutler feel no sympathy for the rest of the offense, and if those four mooches with just one reception want to get in on the action maybe they need to work a little harder. Until then Cutler and Marshall will wash down caviar with Champaign.

Verdict: Brees and his band of socialist merry men vote Obama. Cutler and Marshall vote Romney while the rest of the team works as their waitstaff to earn some extra cash.

Immigration

Victor Cruz honors his Puerto Rican heritage every time he scores a touchdown. So while, yes, Puerto Rico is part of the United States, his salsa dance has made him fans all through Latin America. Constitutional Party candidate Virgil Goode wants to place a moratorium on immigration, which could quell the influx of immigrant support for Cruz. Such radical action against immigration could distract Cruz from his job on the field, as he would devote more time to finding new demographics to purchase his book. This is secretly what teammates Hakeem Nicks, Ramses Barden, Martellus Bennett, Domenik Hixon and Rueben Randle want, as Cruz has received 100 targets this season - more than double any other player. Even defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul is getting tired of Cruz always stealing the spotlight and hopes that if Cruz were to stop dancing so much, people might focus on Pierre-Paul’s fancy moves. 

Verdict: Nicks, Barden, Bennet, Hixon, Randle, and Pierre-Paul vote for Virgil Goode. Cruz votes for Obama. Eli Manning eats Pop-Tarts all day and writes in a vote for Newt Gingrich because Eli wants to be an astronaut when he grows up.

Gun Control

Matt Schaub supports Jill Stein’s proposed ban on assault weapons. Schaub has a 59.9 quarterback rating from the shotgun formation this year, which is the worst in the league for anyone who has attempted at least 50 passes. Schaub has the fourth-best quarterback rating in the AFC at 96.8 when all formations are included in the calculation. Aaron Rodgers thinks Schaub is being inconsistent in his Constitutional support, and thinks all people should have the right to bear arms. Rodgers has a league-best 116.2 quarterback rating from the shotgun formation this season. 

Verdict: Schaub votes for Jill Stein and Rogers votes for Romney. Brett Favre calls Rodgers to ask him to go hunting and Rodgers tells him to shut up and go away. Favre goes back to playing touch-football in jeans on a soaking wet field with a full offensive line. 

Size of Government

Ryan Tannehill, Joe Flacco, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady run the no-huddle offense more than any other quarterback. They hate offensive coordinator intervention. Each runs the no-huddle more than 30 percent of the time, and Tannehill runs it over 60 percent of the time. 

Verdict: Flacco, Manning, and Brady vote for Gary Johnson. Tannehill writes in John Dickinson and argues for the reinstitution of The Articles of Confederation. 

The Arts

Chester Pitts plays the Oboe.

Verdict: Chester Pitts votes for Abraham Lincoln because they share a love of theater.

So after reviewing the candidates I think I’m going to vote for Basil Marceaux.com. He’s the only candidate to take a strong stance against slavery at traffic stops, and the only active member of the Freedmen’s Bureau. Enjoy voting and Happy Gustavus Adolphus Day.

 

Reach Staff Writer David Tobia here. Follow him here.