Dear True Blood writers: although I am a straight, red-blooded female, I still found the sight of a possibly manorexic middle-aged man’s penis to be absolutely revolting.  The image you so kindly thrust upon my unwitting eyes within the first three minutes of “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” will undoubtedly haunt my nightmares for years to come.  Thanks a lot, Lilith.

Even though the Obamas have been around for a while, these masks still scare me. Photo courtesy of HBO.

The episode opens with a TV broadcast detailing how a Tru Blood factory in Houston – the biggest in the nation – just got destroyed, hinting that vampires may have to start feeding on humans for sustenance.  Then the Council, plus Eric and Bill, feast on this innocent man with a highly questionable penis.  

Even in the face of pressure from the council, however, Eric still knows that (once again, duh) killing humans is wrong.  He even appears to convince Bill to reconsider his pro-Sanguinista/pro-murder religious “epiphany” by telling him that Sookie would be in serious danger in a Sanguinista society.  They scheme to escape from the Vampire Authority the following night; Eric says he’ll “handle” Nora (oh boy) while Bill steals Salome’s blood, as the blood of the Chancellor is their one way out of this literal hellhole.  

Eric and Bill complete their respective tasks by seducing Nora and Salome, respectively.  During Bill’s sex scene he pictures Salome as Sookie and we see some really weird disturbing images of a bloody mid-coital woman.  Again, unnecessary and gross.

In the end, however, Eric and Bill’s rekindled bromance is short-lived.  Eric holds up his end of the bargain by staking Nora (although not fatally), but Bill betrays him, as a very intact and unbitten Salome is waiting for them at the exit.  Eric is taken into Authority custody, officially a prisoner of the Council.  

 As usual, Sookie isn’t faring much better.  After Lafayette hears Gran’s spirit tell them to search for clues to the senior Stackhouses’ murder under Sookie’s bed, Sookie finds an article that says previous Sheriff Bud Deerborne discovered her parents’ bodies.  Naturally, Sookie goes to Bud’s home to talk with him and find out more.  After he confirms that vampires killed Sookie’s parents and Sookie tries to read his mind, the initially pleasant visit goes way downhill.  Before she knows it, Sookie’s been knocked out by a very large woman in a terribly unflattering magenta dress.

Simultaneously, Jason and Andy are finding out more about the hate group with the Obama masks, now officially called “The Obamas.”  (Well, we know at least one of this show’s writers is voting for Romney).  After Jessica makes Jason promise to keep Hoyt safe from the Obamas, who have turned on him following his refusal to kill her, Jason and Andy find the Obamas’ website, entitled “Keep America Human.”

While searching the Obamas’ “Keep America Human” website, Jason and Sheriff Bellefleur discover that someone nicknamed “The Dragon” has Hoyt.  They try to get their captured Obama to reveal the dragon’s true identity (ugh, that sounds so ridiculous), but their prisoner refuses and makes fun of Jason so Jason and Andy beat him up.  Somehow, police brutality seems way more socially acceptable when it’s directed at someone who models his life philosophy after the KKK.

Meanwhile, when Sookie wakes up in a literal pigsty with a high-as-a-kite Hoyt, she realizes that she has been kidnapped by the Obamas.  Her unpleasant awakening coincides with Andy and Jason’s discovery via the Obamas’ website that Bud is linked to the feared leader of the Obamas, the Dragon.

Within a couple minutes, it becomes clear that the real dragon is the fat lady who knocked Sookie unconscious, Bud’s sex partner/manipulator Sweetie.  The not-so-Sweetie believes all “supes” (vampires, shifters, anything not human) should be shot.  As Sookie finds out when she reads Sweetie’s mind, Sweetie discriminates so dramatically because her husband left her for a shifter.  Sookie’s fairy-ness pisses off Sweetie, and she tells her to get out, get out, get out of my head, and fall into my arms instead.  Bud feeds Sookie some Oxycontin-tinged soda to get her to stop making the Dragon angry.

Luckily for Sookie, Sam and Luna (who have shifted into pigs) and Jason and Andy infiltrate the pigsty (oh, the irony) at the same time.  While the sheriff takes the Obamas into custody, Luna kicks the Dragon’s sizable butt for attempting to kill four-year-old Emma.  You go, girl.

In other exciting news, the evil smoke monster has officially consumed its last body.  In the beginning of the episode, Terry tells Arlene that he’s going to find Patrick and offer him a fair fight.  Obviously, the possibility of losing her husband distresses Arlene, but not as dramatically so as later in the episode, when Patrick – who doesn’t seem to be feeling the ‘fair fight’ idea – holds her at gunpoint inside Merlotte’s.  Unfortunately for Patrick, his plan to hold Arlene hostage in exchange for Terry’s life completely backfires, because just as he’s ready to shoot Terry (who very gallantly was willing to trade his life for his wife), Arlene stabs him. 

Despite Patrick’s pleas to Terry to spare his life and “do what is right,” Terry shoots him anyway, with some encouragement from a vision of the Iraqi woman’s spirit.  The evil smoke monster consumes Patrick’s body, and it’s RIP Patrick – and, hopefully, RIP Evil Smoke Monster.    

Speaking of plans that backfired, Pam orders a skeptical Tara to keep serving Tru Blood in Fangtasia to keep hungry vampires from eating customers, which would be a little bit bad for business.  She says that when the synthetic blood runs out, vampires will pretend to still be drinking it while privately feeding on humans.  

Lo and behold, however, even though Fangtasia still serves Tru Blood, a pesky vampire customer who bears an eerie resemblance to a member of Panic! At the Disco (remember them, guys?) still publicly feeds on a human.  When Pam calls him out on this tacky indiscretion, he throws her across the room and declares himself Eric’s replacement as the sheriff of the district – and says that vampires can now feed wherever they want.

Also, in one of Alcide’s flashbacks, we learn that when he was a teenager, Alcide had massive Eugene Levy caterpillar eyebrows and dressed like Jacob from Twilight.  Clearly he aged well.  He remembers the day when he pledged his unity to his wolf pack after an extremely cheesy speech by someone who wasn’t Alan from The Hangover.  This not-so-subtly suggests that he’s regretting turning his back on the pack (that rhymes!).

Something tells me he’ll be reunited with the pack soon, though, because JD really sucks at being Pack Master.  When Reverend Steve and Russell Edgington crash a wolf pack meeting, JD is only too eager to drink Russell’s blood.  Unfortunately, Russell doesn’t give anything for free, and this time Martha’s granddaughter, currently in the form of an adorable wolf, is his price.

Amidst all the kidnapping and betrayal in this episode, there were a couple quality quotes:

-Lafayette to the spirits he hears in Sookie’s bedroom: “I ain’t Gmail for dead bitches.  Send your own god damn messages.”

-Pam, after Tara kindly offers to lend a friendly ear to her worries about Eric’s safety with the Council: “Just because we drank a bitch together does not make us Oprah and Gayle.  Get back to work!”  

Reach reporter Lindsay Dale here.