The blood-soaked finale of “True Blood’s” fifth season finally stakes a longtime villain and brings a new one to life.  

Eric and Sookie are understandably shocked when Bill rises from a puddle of blood. Photo courtesy of HBO.

Within the episode’s first few minutes, Russell Edgington is dead.  Russell’s attempt at breaking into the faerie safe house fails miserably, as he is so busy letting faerie light envelop his body and deflecting their spells that he apparently doesn’t notice the extremely attractive blond vampire hanging out behind him.  Eric finally exacts his long-awaited revenge on Russell and drives a stake through his heart.  

Far less shocking than Russell Edgington’s death (and Reverend Steve’s cowardly departure from the scene of the crime), however, is Bill’s rebirth – from a puddle of blood, no less – into an insanely evil religious fanatic.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Before Bill and Salome can commence their incredibly vain and ultimately murderous argument about who is the real “chosen one,” they ravish each other’s bodies one last time.  Their lustful fling is cut short, though, once Bill finds her in the Lilith blood room and learns that she believes she’s the real chosen one.  Like a kid who gets caught sneaking treats out of the pantry late at night, Salome discovers that there are consequences for trying to put your hand in the cookie/Lilith blood jar – namely, True Death.  Bill tricks her into drinking silver poisoning instead of Lilith blood and then stakes her.

Indeed, Bill is so determined in his quest to become the “chosen one” that even pleas from Sookie, the love of his life, can’t stop his descent into madness.  Eric and Sookie run into the Lilith blood room just before he downs the bottle, and Eric tries to tell him one last time that Lilith is a “mad god.”  When that unsurprisingly fails, Sookie tries to convince him that, like, killing people is wrong.  Instead of succumbing to her feminine wiles like all of the men on this show tend to do, though, Bill calls her an “abomination” and tells her that vampires often turn their back on their loved ones.

Then, without another moment’s hesitation, he drinks every last drop of Lilith and melts into vampire goop, Wizard of Oz-style.  Not to fear, though – Bill isn’t dead.  Not in the traditional sense, anyway.  He rises from a puddle of blood as the new Lilith, red as a tomato and naked as Prince Harry on a trip to Vegas.  Yikes.

Despite the epic fail that is Eric and Sookie’s attempt to save Bill from total psychosis, their plan to save their friends from the Vampire Authority partially works in that they, along with Jason, Nora, and Tara, rescue Pam and Jessica from their cells.  Once freed, the captives are met with dramatically different reactions.

To no one’s surprise, Pam and Nora make out.  Okay, I admit I was a teeny bit taken aback.  I thought they were just really good friends, alright?!  Jessica, on the other hand, says she saw it coming.

What she may not have anticipated was Jason’s newly minted hatred for vampires.  Apparently he turns into the male Buffy because after he went flying into a tree last episode, he suffered some brain damage.  This is especially concerning because Jason’s brain was pretty questionable to begin with.  

Anyway, visions of his late parents make him want to avenge their deaths by killing as many vampires as possible.  His newfound anger actually benefits the search-and-rescue party because Jason is more than willing to massacre some Vampire Authority residents, including the receptionist.  Unfortunately, though, it pretty much dashes Jessica’s dreams of living happily ever after with him.  When she proclaims her undying love for him, he tells her he could never love a “fanger.”  Ouch.

Don’t worry girl, never is a long time.  You know what they say, the J-loving couple who screws over Hoyt together stays together.

Although Pam and Jessica have help breaking out of the Vampire Authority, Sam and Luna, the other prisoners, are on their own to save Emma and themselves.  They do pretty well for themselves, though.  When Bill sentences Sam to die because he has seen too much, Sam simply turns into a fly and, well, flutters off.  That’s one way to get out of trouble.

Meanwhile, Luna shifts into Reverend Steve to sneak Emma out of Authority headquarters but runs into Chancellor Roslyn/Barb from Cougar Town (told you I’d learn her name) on his/her way out.  Roslyn is none too happy with Steve for killing all those frat boys and makes him/her go on TV to explain his actions.  In the middle of the interview, though, Luna shifts back into herself.  Before Roslyn can attack her, Fly Sam flies into her mouth then reverts back to human form, completely annihilating her.  It’s definitely one of the more innovative destructive decisions this season.  R.I.P. Roslyn has a ring to it.

Despite this bit of good news, Sam and Luna aren’t out of the Authority woods yet.  Luna collapses from the exhaustion of shifting into the form of another human, leaving viewers to wait until next season to figure out if she’s okay.  I hope she is – it would suck for Emma to have to grow up without a mom.

Isn't Bad Bill pretty? Photo courtesy of HBO.

Speaking of absentee mothers, Maurella has not one, two, or even three babies but four.  And then she leaves her quadruplets with Andy, telling him that at least two have to make it to adulthood.  Holly takes the news that Andy cheated on her with Maurella surprisingly well, as she acts as Maurella’s midwife!  Despite her helpful gesture, I doubt she will be eager to raise those four babies as her own.

And finally, Alcide proves his general awesomeness.  Martha and Rikki spring him into action when he sees that Rikki has very nearly overdosed on the V that JD has been force-feeding the pack.  Per his father’s instructions, Alcide decides to fight JD after all – this time, while they’re both high on V.  Alcide successfully kills JD and assumes his rightful place as pack master, implementing a “hugs not drugs” attitude.      

Between Bill’s deadly spiritual awakening, Sookie’s faerie safe house, and of course, Terry’s evil smoke monster, this has been one weird season.  Hopefully all the Sookie-and-Eric togetherness will continue on into season six, but until then, the finale packed some quality one-liners:

Jason: “If I want to be a fool, then I will be a fool.  It’s my God-given right as an American.”  

Jason again, demonstrating the validity of his previous statement: “That train has already sailed.”

Pam: “Must all roads lead to f--king Sookie?”

Reach reporter Lindsay Dale here.