Remember Spencer, secrets secrets are no fun unless you share with everyone... "Pretty Little Liars", ABC Famlly Tuesdays at 8. (Image courtesy of ABC Family)

Are you ready to cast your final vote for the next “A”ccomplice reveal? Three out of four of the liars are, and their blame, as I suspect does yours, lies completely with Paige.

And why shouldn’t it? She was a victim of Ali’s bullying, she has anger management issues, and come the end of Tuesday night’s episode, she was caught with a key piece of evidence in Ali’s disappearance. But don’t call it a day yet, Nancy Drew. Emily’s vote is still missing, and as we all know from countless hours of “Law and Order” reruns, in order for the defendant to be found guilty, the entire jury must be unanimous on said guilt. In Paige’s defense (because, let’s face it, she needs someone in her corner besides Emily), I present to you a line from the nursery rhyme which inspired one of the most famous murder mysteries ever, Ten Little Indians: “Four Little Liars Indian boys went out to sea; a red herring swallowed one and then there were three.” Red Herring, as in something or someone “which is intentionally or unintentionally misleading or distracting from the actual issue.” (Many thanks, Wikipedia) Now I’m not saying Paige isn’t guilty, I’m just saying to keep your mind open. What is that you’re saying? I’m supposed to be recapping, not throwing pseudo-philosophical lawyer mumbo jumbo at you? Fair enough, let’s begin.

The opening scene of this episode went to a place that “Pretty Little Liars” has never gone before – a fashion crisis. Still sporting a large gauze bandage from her “carrot cutting” accident, Hanna fretted over the fact that none of her skirts were long enough to cover the “big open wound.” But all the fretting and the fugly peasant skirts in the world couldn’t distract Spencer from Hanna’s dodgy behavior when Wren called. She empathized with Hanna, it’s hard not to fall for the dimples and the accent, but Hanna insisted (and we kind of actually believed her this time) that she wasn’t into him that way.

With the Wren issue finally put to rest, a small space opened up in Hanna’s life for trouble to try and find its way in again. This time, it chose the front door. Pastor Ted came bearing a mysterious flash drive found underneath one of the pews at church. Unfortunately for Hanna and Spencer, this flash drive wasn’t such a mystery at all – it contained all of Ian’s secret videos of the girls, including the one of Jenna and Toby that Jenna stressed the importance of during her game of Truth with Spencer. Ted only watched the first video, and after noticing Hanna in it, brought it to Ashley for further action to be taken.

Desperate to keep her mother from taking the drive to the police, Hanna made a pathetic attempt to steal it from right under her mother’s nose once Ted said goodbye. And guess what, she got busted!! Hanna’s sketchy actions only affirmed to Ashley that this drive presented a serious problem, so she decided to watch all the videos and decide the right course of action herself. Kind of a bummer for Hanna, but as a viewer it was relieving to see a parental figure actually act responsibly on this show. Like a breath of fresh air.

 Maybe the responsibility bug was going around Rosewood this week, or maybe Ezra is just a hypochondriac. Aria awakened her sleeping beauty boyfriend only to find out he spent half the night crafting a failed email to Maggie. Ezra was so wrapped up in guilt over his past with Maggie, that he seemed unable to be happy at all until he knew she was ok. He wasn’t even happy that it was his birthday. Aria pouted that her birthday efforts had gone thus far to waste (I mean seriously? He had only been awake for 3 minutes) and tried to convince him to just call her.

Elsewhere in unhappy-couples-ville, Emily and Paige sat uncomfortably through a coffee date that it was clear neither of them wanted to be part of. Finally tired of the tension, Emily confessed to Paige about kissing Nate, saying that it happened during an “intense” moment, and that it felt right at the time but it has left her confused. Paige wasn’t confused though. She explained to Emily that both she and Nate loved and missed Maya, the emotional lines just got a little blurry between them. Kind of makes sense…

At school, Spencer tried to discuss Hanna’s worries with Aria, but Miss Montgomery was a little too preoccupied with her own. The second Spencer heard about the Maggie situation, she warned Aria away from it immediately. “Stay out of it,” she said. “It is none of your business,” she said. All valid points, but logic meant nothing to Aria when she had an opportunity to make life way more complicated than it needed to be (please note the sarcasm.)

Speaking of making life way more complicated than it needed to be (not sarcastic this time), CeCe had come to the high school to guilt Spencer over her failure to follow through with helping with the trunk show at the boutique. After the UPenn favor, CeCe mentioned she really didn’t think she would need to ask twice. Spencer promised to help out after school. Once CeCe got her way, she was immediately caught up in a new drama, this one involving Emily and “Pigskin” Paige. She dished to Spencer that Ali and Paige were hardcore enemies back-in-the-day.

Cue flashback: The girls (minus Emily, plus Ali) were trying on clothes in Spencer’s room when they noticed a big bruise on Ali’s upper back. She explained that she fell during soccer practice and Pigskin kicked her. But she tells her friends not to worry, because, “It won’t happen again.” When they asked a little more about Pigskin, Ali explained that she is absolutely psychotic (not like Ali’s other harmless victim Triple Nipple), has weird bumps on her thighs (hence the name Pigskin), and that once she’s done with her, Pigskin won’t even exist.

In the school computer lab, Hanna was having a secret IM conversation with Caleb from across the room. She told him about the flash drive and asked for help stealing it, but he swayed her away from the idea. But before Caleb could offer up any sound advice (or anything much more than creepy cyber compliments) Jenna waltzed into the computer lab and decided that Hanna needed to give up her space. Why couldn’t Jenna have found another computer? Why did Hanna so easily concede? Because Jenna is unfailingly, unflinchingly creepy, that’s why.

Speaking of creepy, Emily arrived to meet Nate for an innocent I’m-still-a-lesbian chat in the town square, but was instead subjected to all of his smoothest moves all at once. They kissed once and now he’s talking about running off to Philadelphia on a school night. Whoa there cowboy. Em ends the madness, telling Nate that they need to keep things on a friendship level. She tells him that she doesn’t regret their kiss, but that doesn’t change anything. She has decided to be with Paige. Nate gets a little too angry for someone who knew she was a lesbian in the first place, and accuses her of being reckless, just like Maya was.

Clearly having decided that school is not as important as stalking your boyfriend’s ex/baby-mama, Aria wound up at an elementary school in Wilmington, passing herself off as an undergrad named Amy, and sitting in on Maggie’s first-grade class. That’s right, she’s a teacher. Juuussst like Ezra. If you didn’t see this getting a whole lot worse from a mile away, then you’re crazier than Aria.

Fresh from reaffirming her commitment to Paige, Emily returned to school to talk to Spencer, who had just finished convincing herself of Paige’s guilt. Cue argument. Spencer asked if Paige ever brought up her rocky history with Ali, and Emily asked why Spencer trusted CeCe’s information on this matter. Spencer said it was weird that Paige never mentioned Ali to Emily, and Emily said it was weird how Spencer was allowing CeCe to pit them against each other like Ali used to. Spencer warned that Paige had a dark side, bringing up the drowning incident (“not a love dunk” she quipped), and when Paige tried to get Emily kicked off the swimming team. “I’m not calling her a snake…” Spencer said, and as we all know from the promos, she would come to regret those words.

Outside school, Hanna found Jenna, sitting alone eating cherries (because that’s what severely creepy people do), and explained to her that the flash drive was found and was being brought to the police, including the video of her and Toby. Hanna asked Jenna not to take it out on her and her friends since it sincerely wasn’t their fault. Jenna played it cool, saying that she’s just going to have to see how things turn out, but I suspect that internally, she was a lot more worried.

Wild with passion, Nate drove up to the front of the school, leapt out of his car and ran to Hanna, beseeching her for help with his dear, dear Emily. Ok, so it didn’t happen quite that way, but he did ask Hanna Banana’s advice about Emily. Her sage words? “She’s gay! She dated your cousin!” Thank you Hanna, for pointing out the painfully obvious to the painfully oblivious Nate. She didn’t stop there, and accidentally let it slip that Jenna was faking her blindness. Nate again became immediately aggressive towards Jenna, shouting over to her as she got in to her ride. “I know you saw me,” he yelled, and Jenna responded with a sharp glare. Between this and her forceful reaction to Nate’s rants last week, I have a feeling that something happened between these two that Jenna really wants to keep secret.

In Maggie’s classroom, the two loves of Ezra’s life bonded over their fondness for children. Aria slyly checked out Maggie’s unadorned left ring finger, only to find a much more startling realization in the form of a cute little seven year old named Malcolm. He’s Maggie’s son, she had him when she was a teenager, and yes, he looked a damn lot like a certain Mr. Fitz.

Spencer followed through on her commitment to CeCe, helping her unpack boxes of clothes for the trunk show. But I have a sneaking suspicion she was really there to learn more about Ali’s feud with Paige. CeCe was more than game to gossip, and told Spencer that all that time, they were fighting over Emily.

Cue Flashback: Ali and CeCe were gossiping in CeCe’s car, with Ali telling her all about stealing Emily’s stationary and writing a steamy letter to Pigskin, telling about her forbidden love. When Paige bikes up and leaves a letter for Emily under the sign where Ali’s letter dictated, Ali left the car and confronted her, taking the letter and threatening to show it to Paige’s very religious father. Long story short – “I own you now” Ali borderline-screamed in Paige’s face before running back to CeCe’s car and ordering her to drive away quick.

Back in present day, CeCe admitted that she always felt Ali was a little afraid of that girl.

Despite their earlier disagreement, Emily took some of Spencer’s worries to heart, and casually questioned Paige about her connection to Ali. Emily tells Paige that Spencer thought that she knew Ali more than she let on, and Paige deflected marvelously, questioning why Emily’s friends were talking about her and not to her. She tried to turn the tables on Em, warning her about Spencer, Aria, and Hanna, since they were the only three there when she got drugged. Emily said she trusted them with her life. Paige backed down, and said maybe she just needed to get to know them better.

After her baby-bombshell with Maggie, Aria returned to Ezra’s apartment like a devoted girlfriend, though with somewhat of a stunned expression stuck on her face. It was like Botox. Ezra’s little brother Wes showed up to the apartment to drop off Ezra’s present and thought the stunned expression was because of him. Maybe out of foolishness, maybe out of necessity, or a little bit of both, Aria tells him of her encounter with Maggie… and Malcolm, immediately.

As part of her job as a dutiful duckling, Spencer tried on clothes for CeCe, while her mentor chased after the deliveryman, complaining about a missing box. Spencer crafted a text to Hanna saying that they need to talk about Paige, and not to tell Emily, but the message failed to send twice. While Spencer was distracted by her phone, a black snake slithered out of one of the boxes, and made it’s way towards Spencer. It wasn’t quite “Snakes on a Plane,” but Spencer was still terrified as she found herself trapped in the dressing room with the increasingly vicious snake. CeCe finally heard Spencer’s screams and pulled the door open, releasing Spencer, and then clubbed the snake to death with a mannequin leg.

Later, Spencer dished to Hanna all about the scaly encounter. Yes, the snake was alive. Yes, it crawled. Hanna was quick to blame Jenna, but Spencer dismissed this option entirely, bombarding Hanna with verbal evidence that it was really Paige behind the attack. Hanna was skeptical, since Paige was in love with Emily, but as Spencer pointed out, Paige has been obsessed with Emily for years. She hated Ali, and she hated Maya. At this point, she probably hated them too and was planning their demise. Emily called at that exact moment, telling Hanna that the hunting knife had gone missing from Maya’s bag. While Emily just assumed that they dropped it outside of Noel’s cabin, this circumstance served as proof to Hanna that Paige is “A.”

As Aria and Wes played house prepped Ezra’s apartment for his birthday, he empathized with Aria’s distress over the realization that Ezra is a father. He offered to tell Ezra that he sought out Maggie, but Aria pointed out that he wouldn’t match her description of “a petite coed named Amy.” He offered to be there for moral support, and tried to convince Aria that this didn’t change anything in her relationship with Ezra. She didn’t know how it couldn’t. She and Wes were learning fractions when Ezra became a father. Aria never had to handle anything like this before.

Spencer successfully recruited Hanna’s help for the trunk show, though the only purpose this really served was for Hanna to convince Emily to show up. Though this scenario did provide a brief, but sweet reprieve from all the drama when Hanna was fake-abducted by Caleb into a dressing room for a romantic rendezvous.  Hopefully with the reveal next week, these two crazy kids can finally get back together.

Aria and Wes welcomed an unusually cheery Ezra home for his birthday dinner. He ironically announced that he called Maggie, found out that she is happy, and a teacher, and great, and he is now ready to celebrate. As Ezra headed off for a pre-dinner shower, Aria and Wes shared a furtive look, both knowing that Maggie’s intentional exclusion of information about Ezra’s son was nothing to celebrate.

At Hanna’s request, Emily showed up to help try on clothes for CeCe’s show… though she brought Paige along with her. Emily could barely muster a hello to Spencer, and Spencer could barely muster a hey back to Paige, signifying to CeCe that it was time to get Emily fitted for some clothes and to put this awkward situation at ease. Unfortunately, her plan left Spencer alone with Paige, the girl she thought tried to attack her with a snake a few hours before. After making small talk about floral rings, Paige let Spencer know that being with Emily made her more confident. She knew that Spencer and the girls had reservations, but she wanted to start over with them. The peace offering might have seemed a bit more sincere had Paige not broken the finger of a mannequin hand while she said it.

As Ezra blew out the candles on his birthday cake, he told Wes and Aria that he didn’t need to make a wish because he already had everything he wanted. I feel bad for him, if he is content with his only birthday company… or any company for that matter, being his adolescent brother and girlfriend, then he is suffering from some very dull standards. As Wes distracted him with choosing new music, he found Aria in the kitchen and said that he would confront his mother about the payoff for Maggie; maybe it was still going on.

At the boutique, Hanna and Spencer discussed the possibility of the missing hunting knife being in Paige’s purse. Hanna sent her to go help Emily get into a very difficult dress, and then snatched up Paige’s purse to go through with Spencer. Hanna needs to brush up on her stealing lessons from Caleb, because for the second time that day, she was completely busted. Feeling betrayed by her friends, Em stormed off and took Paige with her. Spencer, however, was unconcerned about Emily’s anger, showing Hanna, and later Aria, an incriminating piece of evidence found in Paige’s purse – Meredith’s second earring.

Back at home, Emily tried to apologize to Paige for her friends’ actions, which inspired Paige to come clean about her past with Alison. Paige said that while she initially pushed back against the teasing, she had no idea what she was up against, and Ali’s attacks were so relentless, she thought about seriously hurting herself. Paige explained to Emily that she realized that disappearing would have been tantamount to Alison winning, and she was not willing to let Alison win.

When Hanna returned home, she confronted her mother about the flash drive. After watching it’s contents in their supposed entirety, Mrs. Marin decided that no one ever needed to see them again, and destroyed the drive in the kitchen disposal. She wanted to protect Hanna, but also her relationship with Ted. The drive had footage of her with Officer Wilden, and she was trying to forget that part of her past. When Ted showed up for dinner and asked about the drive, Hanna covered for her mother and claimed that she destroyed it.

As Paige went inside to wash her face, Emily was approached on her porch by Jenna, who wanted to talk about a friend of Emily’s. But when Jenna saw the two mugs, she freaked and ran away, only telling Emily to be “very careful” who she spends time with. Anyone else think that she was really talking about Nate?

In our final “A” scene, “A” #1 plays the song' “Smiling Faces Sometimes” (the lyrics being: "Smiling faces sometimes pretend to be your friend; show no traces of evil lurking within"... other lyrics: "Beware, beware the handshake that hides the snake") on a jukebox, and hands off a set of keys to a black hoodied and gloved figure we are going to call “A” #2. Does this mean “A” #1 is orchestrating getting caught and passing the torch onto “A” #2? 

That’s it for this week. Are you as excited for the midseason finale as I am? Check out next week’s chilling promo for a taste test of all the crazy to come. Is that Hanna sobbing outside a police crime scene I see? I wonder what that means…

Reach reporter Kelly Hanelt here.