"The Bachelorette" Recap: "The Men Tell All"
Even though the two-hour “Men Tell All” special serves no purpose other than unnecessarily reviving the failed romances of boys I’ve already forgotten about, it’s weirdly engaging. And either Ryan, who was blessed with many worldly gifts, or Crazy Eyed Chris definitely ended up with a black eye after the show.
At the beginning of the episode, host Chris Harrison gets to chat with his Bachelorette/rumored hookup Emily Maynard about the guys. They establish that, as anyone who has watched the show knows, both Ryan and Kalon kind of suck. Doug, on the other hand, is just really, really awkward. They replay the goodbye kiss that Doug didn’t know was going to be a goodbye kiss, and it’s pretty cringe-worthy. However, it’s definitely not quite as bad as Bachelor Ben’s smooch with registered nurse Jamie last season. More on that later.
Next, a “memorable unseen moments” reel continues the awkwardness trend. Emily spills wine on her dress, and I speak from experience when I say that this is only funny when it happens to someone else. Emily and Travis put Shelly the Ostrich Egg to bed. Arie’s very attractive twin brothers, who definitely didn’t get enough airtime the first time around, spy on Emily and Arie making out for what seems like the billionth time. Lastly, Crazy Eyed Chris can’t shake it like Luke Bryan.
Before all the rejected bros can vie for our attention, ABC engages in its usual shameless self-promotion and shows us a preview for “Bachelor Pad,” which looks like a fancier version of “Jersey Shore.” Chris, Kalon, and Tony – the guy who left in tears because he missed his kid sooo much – will all be on it. It looks like Chris is going to have his own awkward hookup with Jamie, which will definitely be entertaining. But why isn’t Ryan on it? Seriously, Chris Harrison, you have a guy who consistently says he wants to be the next Bachelor and actually tells the camera not to make him look like the arrogant douche that he is, and you don’t put him on “Bachelor Pad?” What is wrong with you?
After all this nonsense, half an hour into the show the men finally come out. The studio audience of menopausal women with horrifically bad blonde dye jobs boos Kalon and cheers for Sean. We also get a quick recap of the boyfights. Kalon annoyed everyone by showing up in a helicopter. The final six were really happy when Ryan got kicked off and they celebrated with a slightly-too-feminine pillow fight. Doug wouldn’t stop lecturing the boys on how they were unprepared for fatherhood. Volatile Chris got mad at pretty much everybody.
Chris’ anger was definitely the most amusing point of contention. On the live show, he briefly makes lame excuses for fighting with people who called him immature – again, pretty much everyone – before saying that he still got farther than all of his naysayers. Ironically, this just reinforces his immaturity, because “The Bachelorette” is clearly a show where there are no prizes for fourth place.
When Ryan says that Chris is just an angry person who fights with everyone, Chris gets angry and fights with him.
More yelling erupts when Kalon is put on the hot seat. After Chris Harrison reviews Kalon’s best moments – the helicopter arrival, that time when he told Emily “I love it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish,” that moment when he called Ricki baggage – Kalon attempts to justify his behavior and fails miserably. Everyone wonders why Kalon tried to date a single mother if he didn’t actually want a kid, and Joe – who looks like an uglier Matthew McCounaghey and got kicked off on the second episode – says Kalon was just there for the “glitz and the glamour.” Duh, the dude showed up in a helicopter. Who were you expecting, Mother Theresa?
Ryan is up next. He tells Chris Harrison that no, he’s not arrogant because arrogance is for people who are confident for no reason. He, on the other hand, is kind of a big deal and has many leather bound books and his walls are made of rich mahogany. Also, he didn’t come on the show to woo Emily specifically. He just wanted to find a trophy wife who would make him sandwiches, y’all. Chris Harrison assures everyone that much to Ryan’s chagrin, he will not be the next Bachelor. Interestingly, the camera pans to Sean as soon as the phrase “next Bachelor” comes up. Please make it happen, Harrison.
Now, it’s Chris Not-Harrison’s turn to talk about Emily. He says his anger is just passion and that he’s really genuinely upset about Emily rejecting him before helpfully reminding us to watch him on “Bachelor Pad” on July 23 on ABC.
Thank goodness Sean gets to talk now. He is the first man to be featured on this episode who actually seems like a nice guy just looking for love. He takes the high road and says that while Emily’s dismissal definitely hurt, it opened him up to finding true love (hopefully as the next Bachelor). The women’s screams in the background indicate that if he wants something a little less long-term, he needs to look no further than the studio audience.
After the season’s most memorable men – minus the one who hooked up with his cousin – have spoken, Emily comes out to confront them. Now it’s the men’s turn to go crazy. They are obsessed with Emily. Like, if she bought army pants and flip flops, they would buy army pants and flip flops.
Unsurprisingly, Emily is still mad at Kalon for calling her daughter baggage. He gives her a very false apology and she tells him it’s the biggest load of crap she’s ever heard. She responds way more favorably to Ryan, who she perceives as a sweet talking bad boy. If it doesn’t work out with Jef or Arie or Chris Harrison, I could see her sharing a fantasy suite with him.
Next comes the blooper reel, not to be mistaken with the memorable unseen moments reel (Why am I watching this again?). Wind blows trees over, people fall down, and Crazy Eyed Chris forgets to wear underwear with his kilt.
Finally, ABC recycles last week’s sneak peek of the finale on Sunday. It looks like a lot of crying and Chris Harrison hints that Emily might not pick anyone. In your dreams, Harrison. Emily is so attracted to Arie that she couldn’t even take him into the fantasy suite for fear of accidentally sleeping with him, so it’s hard to imagine her letting this one go.
Reach reporter Lindsay Dale here.