From the start of the next installment of “True Blood,” it becomes apparent that Vampire Tara has garnered more angst than an emo teenager at his first AFI concert.  After almost slaughtering a nice-looking girl with a side ponytail, she gets drunk and convinces Sam Merlotte to hide her from Sookie and Lafayette.  Her sanctuary is less than glamorous, though: she gets shoved in a freezer.

Much to her dismay, she doesn’t get to chill for long.  Once Sookie tracks Sam down and listens to his thoughts – the ones that aren’t about her boobs – she tells him that she only convinced Pam to turn Tara in order to save her life.  She also discovers Tara’s hiding place and Lafayette yanks her out, but with less-than-perfect results.  

Tara escapes her saviors and finds a tanning salon appropriately titled Curl Up and Fry.  She climbs in one of the beds and starts to torture herself, but the episode ends before she can die a VERY Final Destination 3-style death.    

Unfortunately for everyone else who’s getting really sick of her vamp temper tantrums, that death seems unlikely.  Pam’s 1905 flashbacks have a newfound purpose: to instill within her a sense of obligation to Tara, her progeny.  She remembers a post-coital conversation with Eric in which she asked him to make her a vampire, and he told her about all the responsibilities that come with being a maker.  Apparently, abandoning your progeny is akin to throwing your newborn baby in a dumpster.  (This revelation still didn’t stop her from slitting her wrists so Eric would make her a vampire, but that’s beside the point). Nevertheless, she’s probably going to save Tara from curling up and frying.

Sookie and Lafayette are going to be really grateful for Pam’s help, because now they have another problem to worry about: getting busted for Debbie’s death.  Debbie’s parents come to town and question both Sheriff Bellefleur – who’s more concerned with the Facebook porno pics that Holly’s pesky sons took of him – and Alcide about their daughter.  Andy and Alcide ask Sookie about her and she initially lies to both of them, but at the end of the episode she cracks and tells Alcide that she kinda sorta shot his ex-girlfriend.  Whoops.

Lafayette is so upset by all of this that his witchiness comes out and once Arlene starts being annoying, he blacks out and pours bleach in her gumbo.  Note to self: when eating out, always, always be nice to the people working in the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Bill and Eric are still stuck at Vampire Authority headquarters.  After being outfitted with tracking harnesses that look more like Joe Mangianello’s Magic Mike male stripper gear, both of them get seduced by Salome, who is totally a sluttier Sookie.

Salome (Valentina Cervi) plots her seduction of both Bill and Eric. Photo courtesy of AfterElton.com

Apparently, Salome has a “gift” where sleeping with men enables her to determine whether or not they can be trusted.  Bill and Eric pass the test, and she tells Roman – who is #1 on her client list – that they can be trusted to find Russell Edgington.  After Nora’s false confession that she is a Sanguinista (an anti-human fundamentalist vampire – wait, what?), Roman is skeptical about trusting people.  He doesn’t know that Nora is lying to save Eric, her brother/lover (ew).

In other Vampire Authority news, Reverend Steve is their new PR boy.  Just in case Russell, who’s supposed to be dead, goes on TV and talks about killing babies, the Rev is going to go on CNN and say that everything’s fine and that Lindsay Lohan is only in the hospital for dehydration, ya’ll.

While the Rev is pissing off his new boss, his onetime crush Jason is doing some sexy self-discovery.  After he runs into his former teacher/sex partner at the grocery store, sleeps with her again and annoys her ugly cat, he realizes that (duh) having sex when he was so young kind of messed him up.  After all, he says he hasn’t seen her in 15 years, and he still looks like he’s in his late twenties, so he probably lost his V card at around 14.  Yikes.

Also, Ms. Steeler is no Mr. Fitz.  She looks pregnant and appears to be wearing all of Pam’s unwanted Walmart sweatsuits.  It’s no wonder that Jason literally runs out of her house after she corrupts him again.  The sex was so bad that he’s not even in the mood when Jessica solicits him later.  She takes his rejection really well though, probably because she’s in a good mood after smelling Claude the fairy. The two decide to work on being friends as well as sex partners.  It’s actually pretty sweet, and their names both start with J so obviously they have to be together.

Andy’s relationship with Holly is looking up as well.  Despite her bratty kids and their snap-happy photography skills, he asks her to be his girlfriend and she accepts.  The other Bellefleur isn’t doing so well.  Arlene screams at Terry for not telling him more about his war nightmares, and all he says is that he’s going somewhere with Patrick and they’re leaving right now.  Hopefully he won’t come back, because his storyline is pretty boring and the show has about a billion other better things going on right now.

Oh, and Hoyt joins Fangtasia and starts wearing eyeliner.  He looks ridiculous.

Some especially good quotes from this week’s episode:

-Jason to Jessica, about his desire to no longer be objectified: “I ain’t some kinda mechanical bull you can come ride on whenever you feel like it!”

-Vampire Authority lady, giving Bill and Eric their tracking gear: “I know the harness pinches a little but just imagine it’s a training bra.” Eric: “It’s been a while since I’ve worn one…”

-Lafayette, on Sam’s chosen hiding place for Tara: “He put my cousin in the f***ing freezer?  It’s like putting a gator in a bathtub!”