Bachelorette Recap: "807"
This week on “The Bachelorette,” Emily and her six merry men head to the beautiful city of Prague to determine which four Bachelors will receive the sought-after hometown dates.
Host Chris Harrison tells the men that things will be different in Prague; there will be three one-on-one dates instead of just two, and there will be no roses up for grabs on the one-on-ones. However, there will be a rose on the group date, as usual.
Arie is ecstatic when he receives the first one-on-one date, but it’s a miracle that he didn’t walk off the show once he read a date card that said “Arie, let’s Czech out Prague together!” Seriously?
Emily’s questionable puns aside, there is a deeply grave manner at hand on this one-on-one date. Chris Harrison explains that Emily has discovered that Arie once had a brief relationship with a "Bachelor" producer named Cassie.
After their whole date revolves around Emily overdramatically questioning Arie about his definition of trustworthiness, the camera cuts to Chris again, who then explains to us that Emily decided Arie’s relationship with Cassie wasn’t a big deal. The audience doesn’t get to see the conversation, but who cares anyway? Apparently Arie and the producer dated in 2003. Back then, Emily was a high school junior who hadn’t even discovered her teenage pregnancy yet, Arie was a young racecar driver who probably hooked up with a lot of Nascar groupies, and I was in love with a fellow fifth grader who would later drop out of college to become a farmer. Obviously, people change a lot.
By the evening cruise, everything is forgotten and Emily and Arie are making out again. When they finally surface for air, Arie looks into Emily’s eyes and tells her he loves her. She grins from ear to ear. (The fifth grade farmer-lover in me may have teared up a bit). Even though their attraction seems mainly physical and Arie is a little slick, the scene is very romantic.
The next day, however, the (literal) fireworks with Arie are forgotten and Emily is on a one-on-one date with John. Chris (the finalist, not the host), who looks like he could be a serial killer, says he is “livid” about this and whines that he hasn’t had a one-on-one since Charlotte. Count your blessings, dude, if you had more alone time with Emily you would definitely be gone by now.
Even though John’s periwinkle outfit looks like it would be better suited for a newborn, he holds his own on the date. After they paint the John Lennon wall together and eat dinner in a dungeon (not exactly romantic), John explains that he is closed off because his ex-girlfriend disappeared for three days to cheat on him. “I called everywhere,” John says. “Hospitals, prisons…” wait, prisons?
Emily is perfectly pleasant to John but only seems mildly interested in everything he says. She seems much more, um, aroused when Sean runs through the walls of Prague calling her name and just happens to find her wandering alone in a deserted alley (yeah, right). Sean, who desperately wants one-on-one time with Emily, sweetly reconnects with Emily and solidifies his position as a frontrunner. Nevertheless, one has to wonder: Emily, you’re making out with another guy like 15 minutes after you dropped John off. Aren’t you cheating on him too?
Moral questions contradictory to the show’s format aside, the three men chosen for the group date are Sean, Doug, and Chris, meaning that Jef has the episode’s third one-on-one date. While Sean and Doug are excited to be going to a Czechoslovakian castle, Chris whines and whines about how they haven’t had alone time since they went to a Luke Bryan (<3) concert.
After Sean so romantically “found” Emily the previous night, it’s apparent that he’ll win the group date rose. One real surprise, though, is Emily’s abrupt dismissal of Doug. Sure, Doug is awkward, seemingly scared of physical contact and utterly unschooled in the rules of hide and seek, but it is hard to watch him getting sent home. Just as Emily tells him that he’s been moving too slow, he leans in and gives her a cute kiss. It would have thrilled most girls, but it’s too little too late for Emily, and she sends him home right then.
Now, she’s in that terrible two-on-one situation again. While Sean spends his time with Emily gazing into her eyes, complimenting her and kissing her, Chris uses his time demanding to know why he hasn’t had more of it. Obviously, Sean gets the rose. This absolutely infuriates Chris, who proclaims, “If I don’t get a hometown date, I’ll be scared for anybody around me.” Boys, Emily, sleep with one eye open.
Fortunately, Chris doesn’t open fire on the gorgeous Prague hotel, and Jef makes it to his one-on-one with Emily the next day. Their date is absolutely adorable. They play with marionettes and Jef – whose main fault is his Justin Bieber resemblance – tells Emily that she looks like a princess. When they leave the store with their puppets, Jef runs in and buys one to represent Ricki. Aww.
They go to a grand library that looks like it could be found in Hogwarts, and re-enact their relationship, awkwardness and all, through an endearing puppet show. At the end, using his puppets, Jef tells Emily that he is “a million percent” sure that he loves her, and she seems happy to hear it.
Later, they engage in one of the few real conversations on the Bachelorette, talking about when they would theoretically move in with each other and when they would have kids. It’s a welcome break from the constant Arie and Emily makeout sessions.
It’s also a welcome break from Chris and John’s tiresome banter. After hearing Chris say he’s nervous for the billionth time and listening to John declare, “the rose is mine,” we get it. John is overconfident and Chris is a borderline psychopath who probably has some anxiety disorder. Great.
Finally, it is time for the night’s climax. Emily tells Chris Harrison (who has hogged the screen for way too long thanks to the totally unnecessary Arie thing) that she has made up her mind and wants to skip the cocktail party. However, the other Chris won’t have this. After Emily gives Sean, Arie, and Jef roses and has left Chris and John in the final two, Chris rudely tells Emily that he has to talk to her. Right now.
Once Chris has received his unfairly attained time with her, he sucks up to Emily, apologizes for being such a whiner, reiterates how much he wants her to meet his family, and tells her that she shouldn’t pick John because he eats babies. Or something like that.
When they return back to the group, Emily picks Chris and eliminates John. As she walks him out, you can hear John’s wheels turning: What did Chris say to her in that room? Did he buy her diamonds? Give her the best sex of her life? Whatever, I’ll use my data destruction skills to destroy some of his paperwork. Can you win "The Bachelorette" if you’re an illegal immigrant?
Well, next week Emily is meeting her four remaining suitors’ families, but for now America can learn an important lesson from this episode. Dear John, don’t say the rose is yours. The rose won’t be yours.