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The Bachelorette Recap: "803"

Lindsay Dale |
May 29, 2012 | 8:04 p.m. PDT

Staff Reporter

 

After last episode’s deviation into children’s territory with an overwhelming focus on The Muppets, “The Bachelorette” once again finds its groove by focusing

Emily and Chris share a dance (courtesy of ABC)
Emily and Chris share a dance (courtesy of ABC)
on the familiar: famous country singers, fancy dinners, and of course, extreme sports metaphors for true love.

Tonight, this obligatory form of potentially life-threatening physical activity comes in the form of Emily’s first one-on-one date of the episode.  Much to the chagrin of the other Bachelors, Chris – who inexplicably charmed Emily on the first night by presenting her with creepy bobblehead dolls of their likenesses – receives the date.  After Emily expresses her anxiety about going on the date, saying that Chris is “sooo cute” and that “he’s been on the top of my list,” the two head to a romantic dinner on the roof of a tall building that overlooks Charlotte, North Carolina.  Before they can eat, however…they have to scale the building.

The ridiculousness of this stipulation is not lost on Emily, who recognizes that, “I don’t think I need to climb a wall to impress a guy,” but accepts the challenge anyway.  Moreover, the climb goes from absurd to actually dangerous when Emily and Chris see lightning and hear thunder but continue venturing upwards nevertheless.  Emily’s gleeful on-camera explanation about how Chris’ presence eases her fears during this debacle is almost sure to befuddle viewers, who wonder why on Earth two seemingly sane people would climb a building amidst thunder and lightning.

Perhaps because of their shared lack of common sense, Emily and Chris seem absolutely taken with each other when they finally reach the top of the building and get to eat their dinner.  Emily calls Chris, who has shown himself to be a little too aggressive among the Bachelors, a “manly man,” while Chris repeatedly tells the camera that he wants to kiss her.  He quickly eases her concern about his young age – he’s only 25 – by emphasizing his desire to be a husband to Emily and a father to Emily’s eight-year-old daughter Ricki.  In doing so, he secures himself a rose, ensuring that he is safe from elimination until next week.  Although Emily could do much better than this bobblehead man with catlike features, it soon becomes apparent that they are genuinely into one another.

For many lovers of country music, the highlight of the episode occurs after Emily and Chris’ dinner, when the two attend a private Luke Bryan concert.  Thankfully, the camera frequently zooms in on Luke, who is much more attractive than Chris, and the live music sounds phenomenal.  As Emily and Chris dance, Chris kisses her, marking the Bachelorette’s first kiss of the season.  Couples rush in around the twosome and dance to the music as well, creating an adorable shot that will make many female viewers smile in spite of its cheesiness. 

Next, Emily heads to the group date, where she and many of her Bachelors congregate in a nearby park.  Almost immediately, she excuses herself to take a walk around the park, leaving many of the men confused; however, she soon returns with many of her girlfriends, a move which terrifies everyone.  Their worst fears are soon confirmed: they are going to be interviewed by Emily’s friends.

Luckily for them, these “interviews,” which start as uncomfortably personal questions regarding whether they’ve ever cheated on a girl, quickly dissolve into opportunities for Emily’s girlfriends to flirt.  Indeed, all of these Southern women seem as though they’ve recently finished 50 Shades of Grey and now need to direct their sexual energy somewhere.  They even ask fitness model/insurance agent Sean to take his shirt off (not that I’m complaining or anything)!

While the women are interviewing/attempting to seduce Emily’s crop of potential suitors, a flock of random children comes to the park and Emily observes the men’s ability to interact with them.  Sean, who has already won the women’s approval by doffing his shirt, and Doug, a single father with an eleven-year-old son, are especially charming as they play with the kids.  Less appealing is cocky ex-football player Ryan, who takes a break from entertaining the children to tell Emily that he would not be attracted to her if she ever got fat.  Not the best way to impress a woman, buddy.

After playtime is over for both the children and for Emily’s girlfriends, the group date embarks on the customary cocktail party.  While playful Sean and sincere Doug continue to impress Emily, Tony – the other single father on the show – breaks down in tears over missing his five-year-old son.  After he sobs in front of Emily, Doug and millions of viewers, Tony and Emily decide that he should leave the show.  Unsurprisingly, none of the other Bachelors seem too disturbed by his departure.  At the end of the date, Emily gives a well-deserved rose to Sean, whose endearing speech about his admiration for his father reveals that he is more than just a pretty face.

The second one-on-one date goes to racecar driver Arie, another one of Emily’s early favorites, and the twosome head to Dollyland, a Dolly Parton-themed amusement park that Emily dubs her happiest place on Earth.  After they ride an incredible-looking roller coaster that terrifies Emily, they get a chance to actually meet Dolly Parton!  Emily’s excitement at meeting the woman she calls her hero is palpable, and she barely takes her eyes off Dolly as Dolly sings her and Arie a private love song.

Once Dolly leaves, Emily still reeling with ecstasy, Emily and Arie finally get an opportunity to talk.  Arie is surprisingly articulate, intelligent, and sincere, and he immediately endears himself to viewers as he describes his previous relationship with a woman who had two children.  Unlike Emily’s attraction to Chris, her connection with Arie is understandable; he is a good-looking man with a lovable personality.  Fortunately, he receives a rose at the end of the date, and he and Emily engage in an extended and weirdly explicit makeout session on the merry-go-round.

Despite Emily’s happiness with both of her one-on-one date partners, several of her Bachelors make complete fools of themselves at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony.  “Luxury brand consultant”/token Bachelorette villain Kalon expresses a preference for biological children over stepchildren, and when Emily tries to convince him of the merits of being a stepfather, he snipes, “I love it when you talk, but I wish you would let me finish.”  Discouraged, Emily runs into Travis, who decides that it is finally time to break Shelly, the egg he has been carrying around with him all season.  Needless to say, Emily does not seem very brokenhearted over the egg’s demise.

These men’s indiscretions, however, all pale in comparison to Emily’s conversation with Brazilian Alessandro.  Peeking out at Emily from underneath his mop of hideously shaggy hair, Alessandro tells Emily that he regards children as a “compromise,” not an honor or a bonus.  This understandably infuriates Emily, who prides herself on having a great relationship with her daughter, and she sends him packing right then.  The Bachelors chuckle at his exile, which comes after he told Emily’s girlfriends that he once cheated on a girl and had a one-night stand, and Sean and Arie take advantage of the opportunity to cheer Emily up.

Since Alessandro and Tony have already been sent home, the rose ceremony is far less suspenseful than most.  Stevie, the annoying MC who had a peculiar fondness for wearing green shirts and sparring with Kalon, is eliminated

In keeping with the entertaining nature of the rest of the episode, however, the show’s customary humorous clip at the end of the show, which is usually bland, is definitely noteworthy.  The show flashes back to Alessandro’s talk with Emily’s girlfriends, where he not only admits to infidelity but also confesses that he once had a romantic relationship with his cousin.  “She was my third cousin,” he attempts to rationalize.  Apparently, Alessandro has forgotten Gretchen Weiners’ immortal words of wisdom to a misguided Karen Smith: hooking up with your cousin is just wrong.  

 

 

 

 



 

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