"New Girl" airs Tuesdays on FOX (FOX)

Jess and Russell are gallivanting in the bliss of the honeymoon stage of their relationship, or as Jess describes it, “living in a romantic comedy montage.” Jess has been holed up on a sex-cation at Russell’s posh mansion for the past week, but feels guilty about leaving the boys alone at the apartment and is in need of a fresh pair of panties, so she returns to the apartment to check in on the roommates. To Jess’s dismay, the boys have barely noticed her absence, and convince her to have Russell over for the weekend to hang with them and check out the loft. Does this sound like an absolutely horrible idea to anyone else? Yeah, thought so. 

Jess begs the boys to “act normal” (whatever that means) when Russell comes to visit so he doesn’t think that she lives in some kind of frat pad with a bunch of awkward, lame 20-somethings. However, to no surprise, they all break this promise almost immediately.

Nick, who has an even bigger crush on Russell than I do, greets him at the door with a plate of fine assorted cheeses while wooing him with a bunch of Aladdin quotes, Winston walks around acting like a large, terrifying black man in attempt to accuse Russell of being racist and afraid of black people, and Schmidt, who is used to being the only cultured, fancy, wealthy douche of the apartment, gets very defensive and accusatory of Russell’s high-class attire and culinary choices. However, the male bonding starts to kick in after Jess suggests they play a drinking game called “True American”, which is like a combination of Candy Land, AP US history, and hopscotch (aka a classic, stereotypical Jess game). The gang all gets completely wasteypants and Nick jumps on the opportunity to start pitching his latest billion dollar business idea from his “Idea Notebook” to Russell: Real Apps. Or,  in other words, a Swiss army knife mockup that attaches to one’s smartphone, because, as Nick puts it, “Let's say I'm out and about, you know, being mobile, and I want to cut a bagel, cobble a shoe, or haberdash on the fly? There’s no app for that!” Pure brilliance. Winston also takes the opportunity to ask Russell for some career advice, as he just discovered that his new boss, sports radio king Joe Napoli, is a crazy, evil, high-maintenance madman. Russell’s piece of drunken, scholarly advice? To have Winston dip his balls in one of Napoli’s protein shakes to show his manliness and power. 

In the morning, Jess attempts to treat Russ to a 20-something food staple: hangover eggs (they exist people, that really is a “thing”, and yes, they’re amazing). However, Russ, a tad bit older than the rest of the loft and unused to having to deal with crippling hangovers on the reg  (it’s all about the Advil and the lemon-lime Gatorade, people), gets frustrated, and he and Jess start fighting. This is only made worse by Schmidt and Nick barging in on the lovebirds’ breakfast to pitch their Real Apps idea to Russell used-car-salesman-style, which he obviously has no recollection of ever approving as a good idea. The tension culminates with Nick accidentally stabbing his man crush in the wrist with his Real Apps prototype and Russell storming back to his mansion to nurse his wounds. However, Jess rushes back to talk to him, and they eventually make up, meaning that dreamy Dermot Mulroney will be around for at least another episode or two (thank GOD). 

New episodes of “New Girl” air every Tuesday at 9/8 C on Fox. 

Reach writer Hayley Formolo here