Tyrion at Joffrey's Name Day. (Front Room Cinema)

FIRE AND BLOOD:

Last we left Westeros, the beloved Eddard Stark was dead. His daughter, Sansa, was busy being a useless pawn of the Lannister family, and the “boy” Arya fled to the Wall, where Jon Snow serves the Night’s Watch. He has left to fight the White Walkers and find his uncle beyond the Wall.

Joffrey Lannister sits on the Iron Throne, spewing his poison at anyone he can reach. A spoiled brat at best, he continues to torture Sansa, slapping her around and forcing her look at the heads he’s collected on the pike.

Speaking of smug, Jaime Lannister has found himself beaten and bloodied in the custody of the Stark battalion as punishment for trying to kill Bran Stark. Lady Stark and Robb were marching with their soldiers to take on the Lannisters. As they grieved over their loss, they resolved to “kill them all” after rescuing Sansa and Arya.

The always endearing Tyrion was sent to King’s Landing to serve as Hand of the King and told that he was not to bring his elusive lady friend with him. But it’s Tyrion, so he won’t listen.

Daenerys jumped in the pyre after losing her child and her sun and stars, Khal Drogo.  She rises out of the ash with her hatched dragons at her side. She becomes the first female Dothraki leader, a true Khaleesi.

Which brings us to…

THE NORTH REMEMBERS:

It is Joffrey’s name day, and he has held a fighting tournament to celebrate. But what kind of Lannister party would it be if he didn’t try to drown someone in alcohol? Thankfully, Sansa saves the drunkard, which is quite possibly the kindest thing she’s done so far.

Moments later, Tyrion arrives to serve his nephew as the Hand. He tries to squeeze a morsel of decency out of the boy (he fails), by reminding him that even if Ned Stark was a traitor, he was still Sansa’s father.  He should understand her grief. Surely he can relate a little since his own father just died? No, of course not.

Cersei is anything but pleased to see her brother. Their father is Hand of the King, she protests—but not while he is fighting, Tyrion interjects. After bickering over Tyrion’s newfound rank, Cersei insists she tried to stop Ned’s death. Tyrion won’t have it.

“Do you understand we are losing the war?” he asks. They had three Starks to trade to back, he explains, but she chopped off one’s head and allowed one to escape (Arya). Robb Stark won every battle he has fought.

“Must be hard for you…to be the disappointing child,” he said sincerely.

Back in Winterfell, Bran is in charge as Lord. He is haunted by dreams that may be closer to premonitions.

A red comet passes through the sky, which some say means the dragons have returned. But they’ve been gone for centuries, right?

Speaking of dragons….

Daenerys now has her own khalesar. She takes what is left of her small following and goes east through the Red Waste. The khalesar treks through the barren lands, suffering from heat and dehydration. The khaleesi sends out envoys to scout anything of use for the people she swore to protect—other cities, water, whatever they can use.

Beyond the Wall, Jon and his crew meet wildlings. They encounter a family where the father marries his daughters…and they give him more daughters…and so on.

The wildings have mostly left to follow Mance Rayder, the father explains. Rayder—whom we have yet to meet—is gathering an army to go south, past the Wall and into the lands of Westeros.  It is worth noting that this man is seriously obsessed with his daughter wives. He threatens to gouge out Jon’s eyes if he catches him looking at any of them for too long.

We have a new crazy lady in town, and her name is Melisandre. She works for Stannis Baratheon, brother to the late Robert Baratheon. Given that Joffrey is a child of incest and not the true heir to the Iron Throne, Baratheon wishes to take his spot as king. By right of birth and blood he lays claims to Iron Throne of Westeros.

(Side note: The first death of the season comes seemingly at the hand of Melisandre. First impressions are everything.)

Robb Stark and his mother are dragging poor Jaime Lannister from camp to camp. Lannister isn’t happy with the situation, but learns to bite his tongue when Robb leaves his Dire wolf in his holding cell. 

Robb has three requests if peace is to be reached between the Starks and Lannisters: First, they must release his sisters. Second, they have to give up his father’s remains, as well as the bodies of those who were in his service. Third, Joffrey and Cersei must release claim to the North.  They are not to step foot there ever again. 

He sends Lady Stark to negotiate with Renly Baratheon—they need him on their side if they are to win the war.

And it seems like everyone knows the Lannisters’ dirty little secret. Throughout the episode, people reference their incestuous relationship and Joffrey’s questionable claim to the throne. Even Joffrey himself says he’s heard a rumor about his mother and uncle (father?), and asks if Robert Baratheon ever slept around and produced additional heirs—this leads to the highlight of the episode, where he gets a much-deserved slap, courtesy of Cersei. 

Of course Baratheon slept around. Remember Gendry, the blacksmith’s apprentice to who helped Arya fend off her bullies? They are still together and headed for the Wall with the rest of the boys. 

He’s a Baratheon—and another heir. There is a search party already looking to find him. Will he find out? Will Stannis and Gendry have a face-off, or will Joffrey’s men find Gendry and have him killed?  

There’s only one way to find out.  

Note: I'd also like to point out how happy I am that Peter Dinklage is first on the credit roll.

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