HBO)

The Road: We open with Arya Stark, everyone's favorite boyish scrapper. A mysterious man is trying to befriend her, but it's cut short by some very creepy looking men with pointy teeth. She's found a friend in Gendry (brown of hair, unlike good ol' Joffrey), but Joffrey's soldiers arrive from King's Landing looking for him. At first Arya assumes they're after her (logical), but no one other than Gendry even knows she's a girl. After some threats, the soldiers leave.

When Gendry finds out "Arry" is really Arya of House Stark, he feels horrible for all the profanity and...relieving himself...in her presence. Not that Arya cares, she's a mighty little mouse. 

King's Landing: There's a ton of action in King's Landing this episode. Most of it involves Tyrion (awesome). 

First, Tyrion has a lovely exchange with the eunich Varys. Tyrion makes it clear that he is not Ned Stark, and he will not be threatened. He knows how the game is played. Varys retorts with something to the effect of "I'm hard to get rid of, you'll be disappointed if you try." 

Next, there's a meeting with Tyion and Cersei to deal with Robb Stark's demands. Cersei strikes them all down, and sends her cousin back to Robb to deliver the message. But to show that she's not all bad, she does tell him to also remind her brother/lover/baby daddy that they will come for him and that he is not forgotten. 

Last, Tyrion fires Janos as head of the City Watch. In an amazing power play, he sends him to the Wall for his baby killing ways. We learn the heir hunt was Joffrey's idea (color me surprised), but Tyrion doesn't care.

"I'm not questioning your honor, Lord Janos. I am denying its existence," he says.

Off Janos goes. 

Cersei isn't happy with this. She tries to defend the move--and Janos--but Tyrion is quick. He realizes that Joffrey didn't run it by her. She still believes it had to be done. She insists that Tyrion has never taken their family or their rule seriously. You almost feel bad for her, but in true Cersei fashion she annihilates any hope for sympathy with a crude remark to her brother. 

She blames Tyrion for killing their mother during childbirth. Correct me if I'm wrong, but he couldn't exactly control coming out of the womb. Add this to the list of reasons to hate Cersei. 

Pyke: New location! Theon heads back home to Pyke, with hopes of convincing his father Balon (a former King), to join Robb's forces. Robb will restore his former title in exchange for aid. 

When he arrives at the Iron Islands, a blonde woman offers him a free ride to the castle. He throws his usual lines at her, but she brushes him off. As if that's not immasculating enough for Theon, once he reaches his father he degrades him a bit more. Balon criticizes him for being more Stark than Greyjoy, for being dressed like a whore and for earning his jewels by paying for them--not by earning them as spoils of battle.

But wait, Theon gets taken down a notch yet again. That blonde he rode over with? That's actually his sister, Yara, and dad loves her very much. She's the true leader, he says. She will lead their troops, not Theon. Not that it matters anyway, because Balon isn't planning on helping them. He has his own war in mind. Theon's visit ends in a massive failure.

The Red Waste: The Khaleesi is still not doing well. Thirsty and starving in the Red Waste, she and her Khalesar suffer. To make matters worse, a horse arrives at their camp loaded with the head of one of her Blood Riders. "Blood of [her] blood." Jorah advises her that the head must be a message from another Khal, who does not to take well to a female ruler. Dany will make them all pay. 

"They will like it far less when I am done with them," she says. 

Dragonstone: Davos enlists the aid of Salladhor Saan, a pirate who he's known for quite some time. Of course, he has to promise Saan a ton of gold and the potential to "bed" Cersei in order to get his backing in Stannis' battle for the crown. 

Stannis, meanwhile, is upset that he has done everything he was supposed to to please the Lord of Light, but has seen no results. He complains to Melisandre that there is nothing left for him to do and that his small army will fall to the Lannisters. His brother Renly's army is much larger, too, and those men should have been his to begin with. He's doubly at a disadvantage. 

Melisandre she has one final duty for him--he has to sleep with her to please their God. It takes little work to convince Stannis. She's "seen victory in the flames" and the only way to receive the Lord of Light is...through her....

The Night's Watch: It's still crazy and gross beyond the wall, as Jon Snow and his company are still staying with the father and his daughter-wives. Sam suggests rescuing one of the pregnant daughters, but Jon won't have it. They would be seriously punished or killed for going near any of the women. 

The daughter, Gilly, insists that harm will come to her child if she stays and has a boy. But what will happen? We don't know. We only know that this guy has managed to surrounded himself with daughters and continues to spread his seed by sleeping with them. But at the end of the episode, Jon is about to find out. He follows the man into the wild and sees him drop off a baby boy. A creature, presumably a White Walker, snatches the child. Before Jon can figure out what's happening, he's smashed over the head. 

End of episode, naturally.

End Note: Did anyone else think there was more gratuitous sex in this episode than there usually is? 

Reach Sarah here.