Santorum hasn't been shy about his God-fearing approach to sex while on the campaign trail. (Gage Skidmore/Flickr)

“All of a sudden, [sex] becomes deconstructed to the point where it’s simply pleasure. And that’s certainly a part of it—and it’s an important part of it, don’t get me wrong—but there’s a lot of things we do for pleasure, and this is special, and it needs to be seen as special.”

“The seconds after a man reaches climax, that's like the realest moment of your life. If I don't want you next to me in that fifteen, twenty seconds, then there's something wrong.”

These two statements seem to express a consistent point of view, and it would make sense if they were from the same person. An old person. This could not be further from the truth.

The first quote is from arch-conservative Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum. The second is from Canadian child actor and hip-hop superstar Aubrey Drake Graham.

Let’s address Rick first. Charles Blow wrote a New York Times op-ed in which he went through the transcript of a question-and-answer session Santorum participated in two years ago.

The overarching theme, in Rick’s own words:

“It comes down to sex. That’s what it’s all about. It comes down to freedom, and it comes down to sex. If you have anything to with any of the sexual issues, and if you are on the wrong side of being able to do all of the sexual freedoms you want, you are a bad guy. And you’re dangerous because you are going to limit my freedom in an area that’s the most central to me.”

I’m going to borrow Herman Cain’s syntax for a bit to rebut this argument more artfully.

Firstly, people are unable to do all of the sexual freedoms they want because the counterparties with whom said people want to exercise a fuller spectrum of these freedoms often find suggestions to do so “gross." Rick Santorum is the last thing on the minds of gentlemen’s club patrons.

Secondly, and most importantly, Rick is passing the hot potato here. Sex is not the most central issue to people he is critical of—but it’s clearly the most central issue to him.

It’s also the most central issue to Drake. He and Rick are not so dissimilar after all. They view everything through the lens of sex, and moralize and prioritize accordingly.

Aubrey’s GQ interview, the one quoted up top, is really a piece of work. It could be titled “Wherein the World’s Biggest Rapper Reveals His Favorite Beverage is the White Wine Spritzer and Attempts to Bed a Journalist Using Fire and Electronics.”  He did forewarn us about this tactic: “Maybe for the money and the power and the fame right now, she will...”

In that case, she wouldn’t. But enough women have to the point where Aubrey is fascinated with himself, particularly with the way he has wooing women down to a science. He has discovered an age-old secret: Men with material things can easily obtain sex with the ladies who value them. He also now feels that he is supra-sexual, or post-sexual, and is apparently all about the aftersex.

The “realest moment of your life” doesn’t involve towels, complaints about hair, a glass of water, bad jokes and a glance at ESPN. And there’s nothing “special” at all about the Santorums getting it in, only yuck.

To be clear, I’m not advocating for unfettered, unprotected and irresponsible sexual practices, because, as in the words of Sen. Santorum’s fellow Pennsylvanian Benjamin Franklin, there is a “hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.” Not really the kind of stuff Rick and many of his fellow conservatives think of when they appeal to a version of the Founding Fathers as Christianist crusaders, a version of history that exists only in their minds, but facts rarely matter when righteously grandstanding.

When it comes to sex, Drake wants to have total positive control, while Rick wants total negative control. Drake wants to acquire “assets” like a mansion, jewelry and weak drinks which he can parlay into sex, while Rick wants to ban “liabilities” like porn and condoms which he thinks lead to sex.

Regardless of one’s personal affinity or lack thereof for Rick Santorum and/or Aubrey Drake Graham, they are both highly successful and famous men who have accomplished a lot. There has to be more to their worlds than the most basic activity of people, and especially in Rick’s case, other people.

I don’t furnish my home with the primary goal of putting together an architectural Indiana Jones puzzle that gets the Victoria’s Secret on the floor, and if Drake does, that’s honestly sad. When you are, to paraphrase him, 25 years old with $25 million, “be yourself” should be enough.

If Rick’s sex life is so bad that he needs to take it out on others, that’s honestly sad too. Maybe he should follow Drake's lead—get an open-air fireplace and a retractable projector to help him on his way.

Thank me later.

Reach Staff Columnist Matt Pressberg here.