"Jersey Shore" Airs Thursdays on MTV (MTV)

Example A: Jwoww and jerks.
Jenny has been with her boyfriend Roger since season three. Lately, he just seems like a loser and she just seems really sad. The roommates have been back from Italy for weeks, and in all that time Roger has only made one real appearance. But since then, Roger has been M.I.A. He also hasn’t been returning Jenny’s phone calls and just seems majorly sketchy. When Jenny finally does get a hold of him, Roger tells her how he took the day off of work because he couldn’t find his phone. This is the same guy who wouldn’t even take off work to visit her in Italy, but now he’s taking off because he misplaced his phone. Something isn’t right. Jwoww should just go back to her season one ways and make out with Pauly again. At least back then, she was an interesting part of the show.

Example B: Pauly and stalkers.
Maybe it’s the hair. Or the tattoos. Or his frequent use of the phrase “dtf”. But people love Pauly. Sometimes a bit too much. In season one, Pauly had a stalker who was so crazy that she actually came back in season three and stalked him some more. Now Pauly has a new stalker who stalks him when he’s at work. Or when he’s on the boardwalk. Or when he’s in a club. Or when he’s playing pool. She does all this stalking while, of course, wearing a hat that says “Pauly D”. But how does she keep finding him? The roommates have a theory. Vinny says “We think she stuck a GPS system into Pauly’s blowout.” The sad truth is it would be the perfect spot. With all that gel it would take him months to find it.

Example C: Deena and boys.
Deena has always tried to insert herself into the Pauly-Vinny group, but it’s never quite worked out. In season three she was their wing woman. But in season four, she got a crush on Pauly, and the boys basically kicked her out of their group. But now it seems like she’s trying to stage a comeback. This week Vinny has his sights on getting laid. As he does most weeks. As every guy in the house does most weeks. As every guy in the universe does most weeks. Well Vinny finds a chick that’s “dtf”, but then he finds a better looking girl that he wants instead. So Deena, being the pal she is, hangs out with the “dtf” girl and keeps her busy, while Vinny flirts with the pretty girl. Thank God for Deena because the pretty girl turns out to be a lesbian. But because of Deena’s wing woman skills Vinny still gets to “f” with the “dtf” girl. And Deena gets to go to bed… alone.

In other roommate news…

Mike and Deena might become related. Well not really. Mike’s brother is banging Deena’s sister. But according to Mike it’s just a “smash and dash”.

The roommates get equipment to play bag toss. And then this conversation happens: Snooki asks, “How do you play”. Ron responds, “You try to get it in the hole”. Snooki shouts, “That’s what she said”.

And finally, while drunk, Snooki admits what we’ve been waiting to hear, “I need a therapist, and I need AA meetings." They say the first step is admitting you have a problem... And it only took her five seasons. 

Reach writer Briana Ward here

Check Neon Tommy every week for Briana's perspective on all things "Jersey Shore."