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Herman Cain Inexplicably Turns Down "Dancing With The Stars"

Tom Dotan |
February 14, 2012 | 4:49 p.m. PST



Herman Cain Not Dancing / Tom Dotan
Herman Cain Not Dancing / Tom Dotan
This can't be right.

Herman Cain, who was last seen on the campaign trail alongside Stephen Colbert in a "Rock You Like a Herman Cain" rally. 

Herman Cain, whose campaign flamed out under multiple allegations of sexual harassment and who in his resignation speech quoted from "The Pokemon Movie." 

Herman Cain, who ended several press conferences singing "Amazing Grace" and had a video in which he parodied John Lennon's "Imagine" with a Weird Al-esque pizza-infused lyrics. 

Herman Cain, who once entirely forgot about what the country of Libya was in the midst of US involvement there.

That Herman Cain was reportedly approached by "Dancing With The Stars." And he turned it down.

 “He can’t dance in an eight-count. He can only dance in a nine-count, said Cain's executive assistant, who was no doubt sitting on that one for a good long time.

Look Herman, it may feel like a million years ago that you were actually the front runner of the Republican nomination. And when significant parts of debates were dedicated to discussing the merits of your 9,9,9 plan. And when you once got a writer to review a debate from the bowels of a Godfather's Pizza.

But you are disturbing the natural order of things. After being the candle the burned twice as bright while being twice as dim, going to Dancing With The Stars is just what you do.

Did Mark Block tell you to do this? Did he?!

And if you think Rick Perry isn't going to jump into that spot, I've got a Meatlovers pie to sell Dennis Kucinich.

Don't be the next Dan Quayle, Herman. There's still hope. 

The judges at Dancing still have three nines ready. Just for you. Don't blow it.


Reach Tom here



Craig Gillespie directed this true story about "the most daring rescue mission in the history of the U.S. Coast Guard.”

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