Oh Valentine’s Day episodes. The one chance for every TV show to turn into a sappy chick flick full of gushing couples, cheesy pick up lines, and happy ever afters. It’s our one chance as viewers to indulge in the fantasy of true love and soul mates. Even if just for a fleeting moment, it allows couples to believe that they have found the one and the remaining single population that they will eventually find the one. It’s a time for hugs and kisses and good feelings all around. 

Problem is, someone forgot to give "Gossip Girl" the memo.

In this week’s episode ("Crazy, Cupid, Love"), lonely boy turns out to be the only one not so lonely on the Upper East Side.

It finally happened. Dan and Blair. Like that accident you can see occurring in slow motion in front of your eyes but can’t prevent from happening. And according to next week’s promo, it’s going to keep happening, and there’s nothing we can do about it. But I’m getting ahead of myself. How exactly does Humphrey finally get the guts to kiss the newly wed princess?

Well the episode starts with Blair’s return to the Upper East Side after a torturous honeymoon getaway with her not-so-charming prince. Oblivious to Dan’s undying affection for her, she immediately sets off to play the queen of hearts, trying to rekindle the young love Dan and Serena shared in high school.

She finds the perfect venue for the setup through the Valentine’s Day party Nate throws for the Spectator with a flashback-to-your-high-school-self theme, which by the way, is a party manipulated by Georgina and Nate’s secretary (who are in cohorts).

And of course Nate agrees to throw an entire party that wasn’t even his own idea just to chase yet another girl. Conveniently, this girl is Lola the waitress who works for the catering company (aka the real Charlotte Rhodes). Speaking of the devil, the fake Charlie appears once again and is dying to talk to Lily about something urgent, but never gets the chance. Instead, she runs into the real Charlie at Nate’s party who she knows from the acting classes they took together in Florida. Frightened out of her mind when Nate jokes about how the two of them look so similar that they could be sisters, she rushes out of the party. Nate unknowingly ousts her to the real Charlie, who figures out that she is impersonating her and awkwardly adds her on Facebook so that the fake Charlie knows that the real Charlie now knows the truth. 

Confusing right? But it only gets worse. Fake Charlie has secretly been spending the past 3 months with Grandma Rhodes who has some mysterious illness of sorts. Maybe if we stick around long enough we’ll learn the purpose of this storyline. It has to be going somewhere if they’re wasting so much screen time on them that could be spent on more important plot lines such as getting Blair and Chuck back together.

Speaking of useless plot lines…why is Georgina back yet again? It’s time to trim the fat and get rid of some of these characters. Who needs Charlies and royalty to get in the way when our Upper East Siders are so proficient at getting in the way of their own happiness?

Yes I’m talking about Blair. First Louis, then God, and now of all people Dan? How much longer can she keep young Bass waiting?

Georgina tricks Dan into kissing Blair at Nate’s party (and of course manages to take a picture as blackmail), which sends the raging Serena and Chuck back to their tiresome old ways; Chuck sleeps with Dan’s agent Alexandra while Serena stops speaking to Blair over a boy yet again.

Now Blair is confused, Dan is confused, everyone is unhappy, and no one is with the person they love. All in all a very sad and unsatisfying Valentine’s Day for Manhattan’s elite.

Watch next week’s trailer below and keep your fingers crossed that they don’t spend the entire episode gushing over Dan and Blair. Any loyal "Gossip Girl" fan knows where this storyline is headed—right back to the (Bass)ics. 

Reach Staff Reporter Surabhi Srivastava here.

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