The closest thing "Pan Am" has to a functional couple - Ted and Amanda show us how it's done... at least for now. "Pan Am" ABC Sundays at 10, (Image Courtesy of ABC)

After four weeks of mid-season breaking, “Pan Am” opted for a more traditional route in entertainment to welcome its viewers back into the crazy, hazy 1963 world they call home. It opened with a “bang!” Quite literally. It was short lived though, as the episode soon diverged into more of a murmur or a sizzle. Except for Dean’s hormones. Those are out of control. 

I have come to realize that “Pan Am” is one of those shows better accepted with a suspension of disbelief. Normally this acceptance is reserved more for the supernatural type of entertainment but, I digress, in order to appreciate the performances in “Pan Am” it is best to just blindly accept that these ladies (and two men) do lead extraordinarily dramatic and interesting lives with no shortage of beautiful people to rendezvous with and supernaturally perfect hair. 

With that in mind, let’s start with Kate’s storyline. Literally holding the smoking gun, Kate is frozen in fear of what she has just done. Anderson, her MI6 ally, thanks her for saving his life by snatching the gun out of her hands and aggressively breaking some glass and… stealing some jewelry? His erratic actions turn out to be rather sweet as he takes the blame/credit for Kate’s killer aim and saves her from being turned over to the British Police. And what would a “Pan Am” episode be without Richard, the worst spy boss ever, coming around to ruin all of Kate’s plans. Note to Kate: Stop answering the door for this guy. He says she needs to simply pass a lie detector test and she will be an official retired spy. Problem is, he has no idea that Kate is actually the killer. Her Jiminy Cricket conscience does though. Kate spends the rest of the episode struggling with the fact that she killed a man. She did save many people’s lives (including Bridget… but we will get to her later) but this does not seem to ring as loudly as her guilt. Anderson (who seems a little too invested in Kate, anyone else think so?) teaches her how to trick the lie detector test – by asking herself an internal question and answering that one – and she passes with flying colors. Officially out of the spy business forever, Anderson tells Kate it really is a pity since she happens to be a natural born 007. Maybe it was his accent. Maybe it was his sweet words. But Katie caves and spies on another day. Yay?

You know what is not going to live on another day? Dean and Collette’s romance, that’s what. And because the blame is equally split between Dean, Colette, and Bridget, I have decided to write them all letters about how to effectively NOT break up the cutest couple on the show. 

Dear Colette,

Don’t get me wrong, you are a victim. A victim of Dean’s hormone issues and a victim of Bridget’s steamrolling romantic tendencies. And yes, everyone loves you because you are demure and delightful but enough is enough, girl! When Bridget asks you to talk Dean into giving her a chance, you say “Non Mademoiselle!” It is not your fault that you are mature enough to let Dean go see Bridget and hear her side of the story. You are smart; you know he isn’t over her. But girl, put on those boxing gloves, fight a little! You gave up on Dean the moment Bridget walked back into the picture, probably thinking your love doesn’t compare to hers. You need to channel some Cheryl Cole and fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love!! 

Sincerely,

You Deserve Better Than This

Dear Dean,

You have issues. Seriously. Bridget walked away from you without a word. Being hurt is understandable, being heartbroken is too. But get a grip! You managed to get the wonderful Colette … just to use her? You swear up and down that you are over Bridget, so act like it! You had two options – break up with Colette and resume a romance with Bridget, or continue the romance with Colette and tell Bridget that you have moved on. Yet, miraculously almost, you chose neither option. You chose to not break up with Colette but still sleep with Bridget?? Seriously dude, you have hormonal issues. 

Sincerely,

Start Acting Like The Kind Of Man Two Beautiful Women Are Pining Over

Dear Bridget,

First of all, claiming you left because you had a terminal disease was totally insensitive. Second of all – you need to start listening. Dean is mad at you and wants you to go away. Kate says that he has moved on and you should too. What do you do? The exact opposite. You decided it wasn’t important to tell him when you left initially but, feel completely liberated to whip it out for the kill when trying to get him back? Not cool. I understand that you are still in love with Dean. But you need to deal with the consequences of your actions. In any case, right now it appears as if you have won your man – so you better be a gracious winner because somewhere Colette is sad because of you. 

Sincerely,

You Are The Worst Third Wheel Ever

Clearly, there are lots of unresolved issues between these three. Let us hope they made some serious New Year’s Resolutions. 

As for Maggie, Laura, and Ted – they all seem to be victims of bad timing. Maggie apparently wrote an article exposing her political paramour Congressman Rawlings and then started to fall for him when she met up with him again and realized he was more than just his ill-guided political ambition. Too little, too late perhaps as her article got published anyway. Next week the Congressman is going to be looking for his smear campaign culprit – maybe he should check the bed. 

Ted, or Teddy as his new girlfriend, Ashley Greene’s Amanda calls him, thinks he has found the one, the love of his life. Only problem? She shares none of his prurient interests. Girl is keeping that V-Card locked up in a vault only to be opened by a marriage certificate. Per Laura’s advice, he respects her wishes, and now has resolved to marry her as soon as possible. Atta boy.

Laura, our new resident amateur photographer mostly played the role of the little angel sitting on Ted’s shoulder. She guided him with Amanda and now is his shopping buddy for engagement rings. Problem is that this little angel harbors a mighty crush on Teddy dear. But I have a sneaking suspicion (based on next week’s scandalous promo) that Teddy and Amanda’s romance just isn’t meant to be. Make your move, Laura!! 

In conclusion, there are only a few more episodes of “Pan Am” left this season and honestly… who knows what is going to happen. This show, a meandering pastel rendition of 1963 drama, always surprises with its storylines, whether good, bad, or downright horrific. So, the best option seems to be to buckle up and enjoy the remainder of the ride. 

Next week, Amanda is getting her Katy Perry on with Maggie. I wonder if there is any cherry chapstick involved? Check out the promo below.