“It’s Always Sunny” seems to subscribe to the Seinfeld chain of thought in regards to the “no lessons” philosophy. But Thursday night, at the very least, we, the audience, certainly learned a lesson about beauty pageants. And, just to be clear: children’s beauty pageants.

Yes, it all started when Frank met a man of high character at a gentlemen’s club and agreed to be the financial backing for a beauty pageant. “I’ve always wanted to do a beauty pageant…Because you make a lot of cash, you ogle some broads,” Frank explains. 

Only problem is Frank’s partner got busted for harassing one of the contestants (and you can see where this is going). Frank is terrified what the contestant’s parents will think of him and asks the gang for help. 

“We gotta definitely write a song about how we don’t diddle kids,” Frank says. “There is no quicker way for people to think you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it,” Mac replies. You know an idea is bad when even Charlie can’t get behind it.

Charlie turns out to be the motivating force for getting the gang onboard with the pageant: “In America, we can show toddlers in tiny bikinis, we can make them tanned. It’s our right,” he says. Suddenly doing a children’s beauty pageant is a patriotic duty and The Gang starts getting the girls, and a lone boy, into learning their dance numbers.

Dee begins to fight one of the contestants, Samantha, who by virtue of knowing what she’s doing, gets to be mean to the other contestants and labels Dee’s hair as “dead,” much to Dee’s chagrin. Dee enlists Samantha’s sister into an act about how mother’s are terrible, which predictably does not go over well with the pageant moms. It’s always fun to see Dee get into personal vendettas with people and this one works pretty well.

Meanwhile, Dennis and Mac help the lone boy in the pageant by producing a futuristic, techno version of “Yankee Doodle Dandee.” It’s a pretty strange act ending leading to the following exchange: “Someone should’ve worn a shirt, right?” Charlie asks. “Probably the kid,” Dennis says.

Frank tries to allay concerns by getting makeup done on his face by a mortician (who, by the way, sounds a lot like Peter Sellers in “Being There”). Somehow, it makes him look more suspicious when he goes on-stage.

“Which of these talented entertainers, who I am not attracted to, at all, will win?” Frank asks. Moments later, in his dressing room, he forgets his microphone is live and begins an unfortunate conversation about necrophilia with his mortician friend. (Where does Frank find these people? Under the bridge?) Frank tries to save face but it’s too late. Samantha wins the pageant because she’s the prettiest and The Gang tries to come to their senses when it’s all said and done. I'd say it's pretty much like like a bizarro "Little Miss Sunshine" and leave it at that.

Dennis says it best, though: “Children’s pageants are an American tradition. But not a proud one.” Ain’t that the truth.

Reach writer Salomon Fuentes here