Sammi Says: Roommates, Best Friends, and Platonic Relationships
People who look through keyholes are apt to get the idea that most things are keyhole shaped - Unknown
Hey everyone! The last couple of weeks of offering advice to you guys have been so much fun. I really look forward to reading the questions and I want to encourage you guys not to be shy. Feel free to use a pseudonym if it makes you feel more comfortable. Feel free to make up a question just to see how I would answer it. But whatever you do, keep the questions coming! You guys are awesome. I hope you guys are having a fantastic summer.
Sammi Says: I think Jill’s problem is extremely common. I have met dozens of girls who approach a relationship thinking that “love” can alter someone. They often fall trap to the thinking that those faults that this person possesses are charming and part of the reason why they “love” him. Until someone with an objective mind (because we can all agree that almost no one is objective when they are in a relationship) points out those faults as an abnormality, she is going to gloss over them. When you approach her about the situation, expect her to be argumentative and expect her to become defensive about it. It doesn’t matter how gentle and tactful you open this conversation, she is going to want to defend her boyfriend. The best way to deal with something like this is definitely to remain calm and state clear evidence of the faults that you think he possesses. Give her multiple examples of why you think this guy isn’t right for her. HOWEVER, I am not saying that you and your roommate are completely right. There is the chance that you guys have preconceived notions about the type of guys that she dates and assumed that this guy is just the same as any other. It is important that before you confront her, you can demonstrate unbiased evidence that he is not right for her.
Question: How do you tell a close guy-friend who is romantically interested in you that you don’t reciprocate those feelings? And how do you make sure you are not hurting his feelings when you flirt with other guys?
Sammi Says: Rejection is never easy or simple. It’s going to sting no matter how pure your intentions are of not hurting him. The best way to go about it is just to be honest. Don’t give him false hope when there isn’t any. Don’t keep things vague. Just be honest. If you guys are really that close, communication (though awkward) shouldn’t be all that difficult. Emphasize that you want to keep him as a friend but that you understand if he needs to take some time away from you in order to do that. The feelings he has for you are not going to magically go away, it’s going to take time. In the meantime though, don’t torture him. Keep PDA with other guys at a minimum and definitely do not TALK about your feelings for other guys with him just yet. You can flirt with other guys but be subtle. The last thing you want is for him to think that you’re flaunting it.
Question: My best friend is still job searching after our college graduation a month ago. I, on the other hand, have started working at what can only be described as my dream job. All the rejection is discouraging her, how do I motivate her to keep looking without rubbing in the fact that I already have a job in her face?
Sammi Says: Well, first of all, congratulations for being able to get a job right out of college in this economy. That is a huge accomplishment. Unfortunately, not everybody can be in that situation and it is impossible to predict when a job opportunity is going to work out or not. I will say that in your scenario, the fact that you are aware of the sensitivity of the situation is already a step in the right direction. All you can do for her is to remain optimistic. Even when we say trite sayings such as “everything will work itself out,” or “this company will be lucky to have you,” the person hearing it will appreciate and be grateful for that smile that you’re giving her. We want to believe that our lives will turn out great and that our problems will eventually go away, so we hear these sayings of positivity, we are inclined to believe them despite the hurdles that we are going through. Do what you can to boost her confidence and morale, that alone will make her shine. And hopefully, her interviewers will note that.
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