Weekly Wonderings - David Beckham Could Give a Shit Edition
• Major League Soccer president Mark Abbott believes that the Los Angeles Galaxy will make a decision on whether to re-sign David Beckham based on his performance, not celebrity status. Beckham was too busy flying to Europe and not giving a shit to issue a response.
• Tennessee Titans head coach Mike Munchak reiterated Thursday that the team will not bring back Vince Young next season. In response to the statement, an irate Young promptly threw Munchak into the stands because he did not have any shoulder pads nearby.
• To begin the season, the Los Angeles Dodgers have had to deal with a high-profile divorce, physical violence and a custody battle. The team is one PR disaster away from getting a tiger blood transfusion and its own Ustream channel. Winning.
• At the request of head coach Marvin Lewis, the Cincinnati Bengals are looking into an indoor training facility. Lewis requested an enclosed building because the blustery Cincinnati weather has caused a disproportionate amount of brown papers bags to blow off the heads of fans and onto the field.
• Roger Clemens’ top lawyer, Rusty Hardin, plans to fight charges that the pitcher lied to Congress about taking performance-enhancing drugs on the basis that Brian McNamee – the main accuser in the case – has a history of lying. Hardin will also argue that Clemens can’t be held responsible for the bat he threw at Mike Piazza during the 2000 World Series because the Mets have a history of getting projectiles thrown at them out of disgust.
• Real Madrid defender Sergio Ramos dropped the Copa del Ray under a bus while celebrating the team’s 1-0 cup final win over Barcelona. Those who witnessed the incident believe that the trophy was simply trying to draw a yellow card.
• Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban claims that he was struck in the face by an unknown object during Thursday night’s playoff game against the Portland Trailblazers. Nobody had the heart to tell Cuban Greg Oden was posing in a mirror behind him.
• San Francisco starting pitcher Barry Zito has been placed on the disabled list with a sprained foot. The Giants front office is trying to make the move retroactive to 2006.
• After suffering from extensive stomach issues, Seattle Mariners outfielder Franklin Gutierrez was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome. The diagnosis falls in line with what Mariners fans have experienced while watching their team play for the last decade.
• San Francisco 49ers GM Trent Baalke stated he would like to bring back quarterback Alex Smith. The team has been looking for somebody to assist with community relations. Front office officials believe that Smith’s propensity to gift wrap interceptions could be transferable to a role involving organizational charity events.
• Embattled St. Louis Cardinals reliever Ryan Franklin criticized home fans for having “short memories” after getting booed on Wednesday. Hey, what do you expect from fans who frequent a stadium named after a beer conglomerate?
• Struggling New York Yankees starter Phil Hughes threw an extended bullpen session on Saturday. He walked nine and gave up 11 runs on 15 hits.
• Minnesota Timberwolves forward Kevin Love was named the NBA’s Most Improved Player. As is customary with the Timberwolves franchise, the team will celebrate by drafting a first round bust and firing its head coach.
• Several baseball coaches from John Burroughs High School have been fired for allegedly serving beer to their players during a recent road trip. School officials first became suspicious when players used the seventh inning stretch to do keg stands on the Gatorade cooler.
Until next week...
Reach Mike Green by email.