Top 5 Reasons to Jump Off the Jersey Shore Bandwagon
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The Situation has officially jumped the shark.
This isn't the last we'll see of these self-proclaimed guidos (they're officially on board for Season 4 in Italy), but in an ideal world it would be.
As with all good pop culture phenomena (The O.C., anyone?), "Jersey Shore" has hit its peak, and it's only a matter of time before it comes crashing down.
The ratings don't lie. The show is in decline, and not even Pauly D's good-natured hijinks can save it from its imminent demise.
As cool as it was to discover a show that turned GTL into a national pastime, it's even cooler to know when to say "ciao."
Here are five reasons why now is the best time to jump off the "Jersey Shore"bandwagon:
1. The Sam and Ron drama has reached its tipping point.
Look, I like a good knock-down, drag-out reality TV fight as much as the next guy. Tension-filled nights at the club were as much a staple of Seasons 1 and 2 as Sunday night dinners and you never heard me complain. But the entertainment quality of this back-and-forth, often abusive relationship has been rubbed out. It's getting old and, let's face it, more than a little tedious. As JWOWW said, "Same shit. Different toilet." It's time to call a plumber.
2. We're inundated with incessantly stupid Vinny storylines.
What is it with these? First he got the fake tan two weeks ago. Then his ears pierced last week. Either Vinny's agent won a major negotiation with MTV or the show's producers are out of material and grasping for straws. I'm guessing it's the latter, judging by the "will they or won't they" Vinny-Snooki relationship plot, which is a strong contender in the Who Gives a Fuck? Move On Already category at the Forced Olympics. The producers (and Vincenzo) need to quit while they're ahead.
3. The Situation's act is getting old.
As Kanye would say, "It's not funny anymore, tell different jokes." Or, in The Situation's case, don't tell jokes at all. Did you see him at the Donald Trump Roast? Holy crap that was terrible. And that's just the beginning. The Artist Formerly Known as Mike Sorentino has been replaced entirely by "Sitch," a wholly unlikable pot-stirrer who will do anything for camera time, including perpetuating the already unbearable drama between Ronnie and Sammi (see above). When you're taking tiny dogs out of cages and feeding them trash so they'll poop on the floor, you're not trying too hard, you're Dustin Diamond-ing the hell out of your career. I give Sorentino one more year of relevance. After that? Celebrity Boxing.
4. The most likable parts of the show have taken a back seat.
Pauly D's humor, Vinny's sentimentality, JWOWW's rage. It's not a list of reasons to watch the show anymore. It's a graveyard of once entertaining subplots. Pauly seems to exist now for the sole purpose of being stalked by that crazy Jewish girl and yelling "cabs are here!" Vinny is turning into a complete douchebag. And Jenny hasn't threatened anyone since Sammi Showdown 2. What happened to nights on the town with MVP? What happened to Vinny bringing girls flowers? What happened to JWOWW wilding out? It's like we don't even know these guys anymore. Who are these imposters?
5. Italy is going to be like Miami, only worse.
Remember Season 2, when the producers tried the whole fish out of water routine and sent the cast to Miami? Remember how awkward it turned out to be? Well, Italy is going to be more of the same. Jersey girls are right up the Mikey Vinnie Pauly alley. They go out and it's like bowling. One, two, three. Strike. Same with the girls in the house. They're comfortable on the Shore. There's no shortage of gorilla juiceheads. That's not all the show has to offer, of course, but it does add a certain element of entertainment. Where else would we have gotten the term "grenades?"
Abroad, it's a different story. Italian women are, at least by reputation, famously standoffish. Whether that changes in the context of the show (or The Situation's abs) remains to be seen. But I'm not holding my breath when it comes to hook up opportunities for these guys. Nor am I confident the meathead routine is going to play well overseas. Where are these guys going to "gym?" The hills of Corleone?
The first few episodes of the season will likely be good. The guys will go crazy for international girls. The girls will go crazy for designer shoes. And Pauly will blurt out funny things in Italian. After that, it'll be the same routine of Ron and Sam fighting and Mike actively trying to piss people off. In other words, it'll be boring.
Get out while you still can.
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Patrick Crawley is Neon Tommy's full-time sports editor, sometime pop culture writer. Reach him by email here. Or follow him on Twitter, @BasketballFiend.
