Carmelo Anthony now has his own NYC sandwich. (Creative Commons/Keith Allison)

Pittsburgh Steelers’ quarterback Charlie Batch expressed optimism over the NFL labor negotiations early this week. Batch’s interview ended abruptly when reporters realized that he was not R&B sensation John Legend.

Kobe Bryant took home MVP honors for the fourth time at this weekend’s NBA All-Star Game, tying Bob Pettit for the record. Pettit, however, still remains unparalleled in his ability to pull off short shorts.

Blake Griffin won the All-Star Weekend Dunk Contest by jumping over a car driven by Baron Davis. Davis was later told to keep driving that car all the way to Cleveland.

The long-awaited Carmelo Anthony trade finally became official when the All-Star forward was traded to the New York Knicks. New York City’s renowned Carnegie Deli has already added a sandwich to its menu that is named after the NBA superstar. Unfortunately for some eager restaurant patrons, the new sandwich chooses who gets to order it and takes months to reach its ultimate destination.

The NCAA handed University of Connecticut basketball coach Jim Calhoun a three-game suspension for next season. Calhoun plans to send a contingent of boosters and song girls to NCAA headquarters in hopes of getting the decision reversed.

Hank Steinbrenner’s recent criticism that his team was “too busy building mansions” after winning the 2009 World Series was initially thought to be a shot at team captain Derek Jeter. Steinbrenner later backpedaled from his initial statement, saying that he would never single out any particular player while deflecting blame from himself.

The New Orleans Saints have decided to release tight end Jeremy Shockey. Drew Brees will be hard-pressed to find a target as consistent as Shockey at getting injured over the middle.

20-year-old Trevor Bayne became the youngest driver to win the Daytona 500. His mother took him and his NASCAR friends to Chuck E. Cheese’s for pizza and root beer floats to celebrate.

All-Star point guard Deron Williams reportedly found out he was traded to the New Jersey Nets via ESPN. In response to the accusation, Utah’s front office texted the following statement: “No commentz lol ;)”

Commissioner David Stern stated this weekend that he thinks it is time for the NBA to begin negotiating on a new collective bargaining agreement. Stern will hire Adam Morrison to assist with the proceedings as he has been looking for something to do for the last four years.

Vanderbilt mascot Mr. Commodore bloodied the nose of a university student during a basketball game against Tennessee. A remorseful Mr. C vowed to never let his Civil War flashbacks get the best of him again.

Adam Wainwright will miss the 2011 season with an elbow injury. The injury occurred during spring pitching warm-ups when Kyle Lohse accidentally dropped his 6.55 ERA on Wainwright’s throwing arm.

The Boston Celtics traded center Kendrick Perkins to the Oklahoma City Thunder in a deal that got them Nenad Krstic, amongst other players. GM Danny Ainge stated that the trade was made in an effort to replace toughness and defense with meekness and jump shooting at the center position. 

New Denver Broncos’ head coach John Fox has named Kyle Orton the team’s starting quarterback heading into next season in a move that even surprised Orton.

The Golden State Warriors dealt Brandan Wright and Dan Gadzuric to the New Jersey Nets for Troy Murphy in a trade that NBA experts unanimously view as pointless and irrelevant.

The USC Trojans’ men’s basketball team shocked No. 10 Arizona on Thursday night. A dazed Wildcats squad blamed the loss on being preoccupied with how to pronounce Nikola Vucevic for most of the contest.

The California Interscholastic Federation announced that 523 total red cards were handed out for boys high school soccer during the regular season within the state. The statistic reaffirms what the rest of the world already knew: California is home to the most badass boys high school soccer in the world. You earned your Capri Suns this week, gentlemen.

More next week…

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