Weekly Wonderings Featuring Kneegate, Jeff Fisher And Ozzie Guillen
• As Kneegate featuring Jay Cutler continues to polarize the nation, it’s important to acknowledge a major accomplishment achieved on the opposing side of the field Sunday: Congratulations to B.J. Raji for being selected to participate on next season’s Dancing with the Stars! Your dance moves are an inspiration to 300-pound defensive linemen everywhere.
• Cam Newton has decided to sign with former Brett Favre agent Bus Cook. No word yet on whether Newton will waffle on his decision to enter the NFL.
• Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown told the public that he will not honor quarterback Carson Palmer’s trade request. Brown went on to explain that Cincinnati could no longer field a team if they let go of every player who didn’t want to be there.
• News of Chris Simms’ rejected plea deal came as a surprise to the vast majority of football fans who thought that Simms had fallen off the face of the Earth.
• After being claimed off waivers, former Sharks goalie Evgeni Nabokov is refusing to report to the New York Islanders. Nabokov has adamantly stated that he only wants to choke in the playoffs as a member of the Detroit Red Wings.
• Dave Wannstedt is returning to the NFL as linebackers coach for the Buffalo Bills. Wannstedt is optimistic that one day the Bills’ defense will be comparable to the one on display in Pittsburgh…the University of Pittsburgh.
• As the San Francisco Giants spend their offseason celebrating a World Series championship, the guest list for Barry Bonds’ perjury party continues to grow.
• Peter Forsberg is eyeing a comeback with the Colorado Avalanche. Forsberg was inspired after watching Little Fockers. The 37-year-old figures his return to the ice can’t possibly go any worse that Robert De Niro’s return to the silver screen.
• The Tampa Bay Rays have agreed to short-term deals with both Manny Ramirez and Johnny Damon. Fans in Tampa will now anxiously await the imminent signing of Nomar Garciaparra.
• A Texas appeals court has decided to throw out former Texas Tech coach Mike Leach’s breach of contract claim against the school. Leach retaliated by ordering all members of the appeals court to go sit in a dark shed.
• Padraig Harrington was disqualified for an inadvertent infraction at the Abu Dhabi Championship. Officials say that the disqualification, while unfortunate, paled in comparison to the Happy Gilmore-Bob Barker incident of ‘96.
• Tom Woodbridge to Kim Clijsters: “If I texted that you had a nice body, would you embarrass me in the most public way possible?”
• Tom Brady was the lone unanimous selection for the NFL All-Pro Team. Brady was not available for comment because he was busy solving world hunger and finding a cure for cancer -- all while making out with his supermodel wife.
• If this whole football thing doesn’t work out for Mark Sanchez, he might have a future in the nose mining industry.
• NFL Pro Bowl prediction: AFC: 34, NFC: 27, NFL: 6 (viewers)
More next week…