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Christine O'Donnell Hates Masturbation

Patrick Bigsby |
October 2, 2010 | 5:50 p.m. PDT

Contributor

Christine O'Donnell (Courtesy Creative Commons)
Christine O'Donnell (Courtesy Creative Commons)
Since entering the Delaware senate race, Christine O’Donnell has been the subject of extensive media scrutiny and lampoon efforts. Nothing in Delaware has had this kind of attention since Quarterback Joe Flacco took the Fightin’ Blue Hens to the FCS championship game. Given that Delaware’s main attraction is this rest stop, O’Donnell could have been just the trick to jumpstart our first state’s tourism industry.

Unfortunately, Delaware souvenirs will likely have to sit on the shelf for a little while longer since O’Donnell’s candidacy has been given long-shot odds.

Before becoming a senate candidate, O’Donnell did things like default on her mortgage, picnic on Satanic altars, and speak out against masturbation. These kinds of activities understandably raise eyebrows, but what if all candidates were asked to express their views on auto-erotic activities? I bet O’Donnell would suddenly be a trendsetter.

The last (and perhaps only) political figure to endorse masturbation was former President Bill Clinton’s initial pick for surgeon general, Joycelyn Elders. After Elders revealed to the United Nations that she believed masturbation had a place in public sexual education, the hugging-est president in our nation's history fired her after only a year on the job. Given this precedent, endorsing masturbation might be considered political suicide.

If masturbation is to be considered as a kind of civil rights issue, why hasn’t the ACLU defended any criminal masturbators? While they encourage “comprehensive sexual education,” their website lists zero court cases on the subject. Regardless of their record on civil liberty, no politician would ever feel comfortable publicly advocating a position in favor of masturbation. Though phrases like, “Self-pleasure has always been a cornerstone of American democracy” or “More Americans need access to masturbatory resources” would spice up stump speeches, no political platform would dare include these talking points.

For this reason, O’Donnell has been unfairly labeled. She has been called a “masturbation-hater” in the media, but no ‘masturbation-lovers’ have stepped forward to challenge her stance. If all of the sitting Senators were polled tomorrow about their beliefs on the subject, how many of them would go on record saying that they encourage masturbation? O’Donnell’s detractors have seen fit to make masturbation a political issue, so I think that the question is fair game.

Christine O’Donnell has many other views that could be considered extreme and thus make her unfit to serve as a United States Senator. But after the results of that Senate poll come in, I imagine we will find out that she is merely a masturbation moderate. Liberals have an abundance of material to use in criticizing O’Donnell, but by focusing on her past crusades against masturbation, they’re biting the hand that – uh, never mind.

Contributor Patrick Bigsby can be reached here.

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