Neon Tommy - Annenberg digital news

Westside Subway Will Do Little To Stop People From Making Babies, L.A. Media Say

Amy Silverstein |
September 24, 2010 | 1:48 p.m. PDT

Staff Reporter

One of the many new people who will make you late to work in sixteen years.
One of the many new people who will make you late to work in sixteen years.
While babies can provide love and companionship to some, they will also cause horrible traffic problems in the future, a new environmental review shows.  

Procreation proponents say that raising a family is an enjoyable process that adds meaning to parents' lives.

But opponents of procreation argue that babies are nothing more than young humans covered in urine.  Once these humans age, they will demand cars, procreation opponents say. 

Los Angeles Times, LA Weekly, and LAobserved found that improving our city's public transportation will not stop traffic-causing babies from being created.

Of the fetuses that parents choose to leave un-aborted, many could ride the Subway to the Sea when they eventually commute. This is good news for the un-aborted fetuses that will choose not to take the subway, because it means less cars will be in their way.  

Still, the subway will not do enough.

The Los Angeles Times had a story on September 4, explaining why; 

“The subway would do little to offset the increases in automobile travel predicted over the next 25 years in the county and the Wilshire Boulevard area."  More traffic will exist, the Times explains, because more people will exist, thus increasing the demand for cars. 

“Fueled by population growth, the miles driven by motorists will rise almost 66% in the county and 26% in the area served by the subway extension.”   

The subway, the Los Angeles Times argues, is partly at fault, for not stopping the population from growing.  

But the babies are obviously more at fault, for existing.  

"...the San Diego Freeway, the Santa Monica Freeway and major streets along the [subway] line will remain heavily congested due to population growth."

The implication of the Los Angeles Times article is clear; the population needs to stop growing.  

LA Weekly explains further; "Marsha McLean, mayor pro tem of Santa Clarita, supports mass transit but says her feeling now about the Westside subway is, 'If you're going to have a pot of money, you need to hand it out to all areas who need it — not just one.'"

Gynecologists agree with this logic. "If you're going to have a lot babies, then you need to make sure every family has a lot of babies--not just one."

Thus, it would be better if everyone stopped creating babies, to prevent baby jealousy and traffic jams. 

More from LA Weekly; "At a surreal meeting Monday night, 200 mostly Wilshire-area residents crammed together to discuss the possible route where the subway tunnel will be laid, but Metro officials failed to correct residents' widespread misimpression that the subway would dramatically cut [fallopian tubes].'"

To be sure, others, including a different LA Weekly writer, argue that the subway could ease congestion, if you look at it from a different perspective.

Driving in the future would be less awful with a new subway than driving in the future would be without a new subway. This is great news for people who want to keep driving, but who also wish that others would stop driving.  

But the subway will not make commuting by car less awful in the future than commuting by car is today, because more people will exist in the future than exist today.

This is why Subway to the Sea proponents say that the only way to increase subway effectiveness is to stop making so many people, who cost billions to raise and are often difficult to please. 

 

Reach Amy Silverstein here or on Twitter.


Photo credit: Jim Hammer.



 

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Comments

Streetsblog Los Angeles » Friday Street Poll: Who (not verified) on October 1, 2010 8:17 AM

[...] Westside Subway Will Do Little To Stop People From Making Babies, L.A. Media Say: Neon Tommy [...]

Your rating: None
Joel Epstein: LA Metro’s Misguided Critics: The Lo (not verified) on September 30, 2010 3:23 PM

[...] I am talking about writers like Amy Silverstein who has penned a fun piece in Neon Tommy entitled, “Westside Subway Will Do Little To Stop People From Making Babies, L.A. Media Say.” [...]

Your rating: None
Anonymous (not verified) on September 28, 2010 11:59 AM

Actually, a worldwide 10 year long moratorium on new births would solve quite a few problems. Never ever going to happen, but it is really is a fantastic idea. Even better would be if people were born at age 18 and could just go directly to work.

Your rating: None
Westside Subway Will Do Little to Stop People from Making B (not verified) on September 28, 2010 9:50 AM

[...] it would be better if everyone stopped creating babies, to prevent baby jealousy and traffic jams. (The rest of Amy Silverstein) (Amy Silverstein is Staff Reporter for NeonTommy.com where this column was first posted.) ] -cw [...]

Your rating: None
Streetsblog Los Angeles » Today’s Headli (not verified) on September 28, 2010 8:13 AM

[...] Media Critique: Westside Subway Will Do Little To Stop Procreation (Neon Tommy) [...]

Your rating: None Average: 5 (1 vote)
Salvatore (not verified) on September 25, 2010 10:02 AM

A fantastic piece. I loved reading the comments on the Weekly piece by idiot McDonald. He writes like he's been sucking on gasoline fumes

Your rating: None Average: 5 (1 vote)
Bus Boy (not verified) on September 25, 2010 12:33 AM

ROFL. This is BETTER than The Onion.

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Twitter Trackbacks for Westside Subway Will Do Little To St (not verified) on September 24, 2010 11:35 PM

[...] Westside Subway Will Do Little To Stop People From Making Babies, L.A. Media Say | Neon Tommy neontommy.com/news/2010/09/westside-subway-will-do-little-stop-people-making-babies-la-media-say – view page – cached Westside Subway Will Do Little To Stop People From Making Babies, L.A. Media Tweets about this link [...]

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Anonymous (not verified) on September 24, 2010 9:21 PM

Submit this story to The Onion.

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Darryl (not verified) on September 24, 2010 7:14 PM

classic.

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