Top 5 Jokes From The David Hasselhoff Roast
Whitney Cummings was the obvious breakout star of Comedy Central's David Hasselhoff roast on Sunday, but the usual roast suspects were awesome as well.
Jeff Ross paid homage to The Hoff by donning a black speedo and matching leather jacket and whipping a notebook out of his skivvies as he took the podium. Who wants to hear some dick jokes? Lisa Lampanelli referenced Auschwitz between pussy jokes. And Gilbert Gottfried launched a vicious assault on the plot of "Aladdin" that somehow included not one, not two, but three references to, you guessed it, Pamela Anderson's vagina.
Hoff stole the show at the end, of course, with a bit involving Kit from "Knight Rider" and a full-on song-and-dance number. But that was to be expected, right? We all saw the William Shatner roast...
Did I mention Seth MacFarlane was a master roastmaster (watch your back, Ross) and George Hamilton killed?
Aside from mediocre showings from Greg Giraldo (rushed through his punchlines) and Jerry Springer (who invited him?!) it was a terrific roast. Even Hulk got a few zingers in.
Here are the top five jokes from Hasselhoff's night of infamy:
"And of course Pamela Anderson's here. Pam and The Hoff have so much in common. They both made embarrassing videos with meat stuffed in their mouth." - Jeff Ross
"What a lucky break. What are the odds an alcoholic gets cast in a show about a car that drives itself?" - Jeff Ross
"Jeff Ross. What was that thing with the speedo? That was disgusting. Your dick in a speedo looks like a hamster stuck inside a water balloon." - Whitney Cummings
"Lisa, you look like Susan Boyle fucked Snookie." - Whitney Cummings
"Please welcome the bat shit crazy, raccoon-eyed hottest chick of the Prohibition era: Pamela Anderson." - Seth MacFarlane
"I'm actually thrilled Hulk Hogan is here. Every roast needs a dumb blonde with huge tits." - Pamela Anderson
5. The Breathalyzer Joke - Jeff Ross
The Hoff once blew into a breathalyzer. The breathalyzer said, "Whoa! Whoa! One at a time people!"
The night was full of drunk Hasselhoff jokes. A lot of them were good, but I thought this one was the funniest.
4. The Jewish Lawyer Joke - Hulk Hogan
I'm not gonna mess around with that Jeff Ross guy. His people are double tough. The one time I tangled with a Jew my ex-wife got half my shit.
Hulk's jokes were clearly written by someone other than Hulk but this one fit him the best. Also, I love the term "double tough." I'll use that one a lot this year -- mostly to describe LeBron James' campaign to make people in America like him again.
3. The "Precious" Joke - Lisa Lampanelli
Man, David, were you ever a drunk. I don't want to say David drank a lot, but his liver was so black and bloated it could have starred in "Precious."
I take it back. This was the best drunk Hasselhoff joke of the night. Gottfried had one like this too. It involved Willis, earning him points, but it came after Lamapanelli's and therefore sounded derivative. It's cool though. Gottfried topped it with...
2. The Genie Joke - Gilbert Gottfried
Too long to transcribe. You can find it here in its entirety.
One of the all-time great joke narratives. I highly recommend it.
1. The Vat of Magic's Blood Joke - Whitney Cummings
Pam, you've slept with Bret Michaels, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock. Why don't you just save yourself some time and drink a vat of Magic Johnson's blood?
This joke (also know as The Joke That Made Whitney Cummings' Career) was so funny the crowd didn't know what to do with it at first. There was split second where you could tell everyone was still figuring it out -- like, what the hell is Magic Johnson doing in this joke? Then came the moment of collective consciousness and the whole place exploded with laughter for a good 30 seconds (an eternity considering the roast format). Jeff Ross even stood up to applaud. It was a great joke. And Cummings only made it greater by applying it a second time to Hulk's daughter. In that moment a star was born. Cummings is on the come up.
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