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Patron Is A Very, Very Dangerous Tequila

Helen Jeong |
August 30, 2010 | 9:08 p.m. PDT


Patron shots (Creative Commons)
Patron shots (Creative Commons)
My name is Helen Jeong. I just turned 27 for the second time, and I’m a serial dater. Before I started jotting down story ideas for this column, it occurred to me that since the age of 15, I have dated countless men for more than 12 years - and yet none were success stories.

So I thought to myself, “What was the common denominator in having a number of failed relationships?” The answer: Patron. And I can present sufficient evidentiary support to why Patron is an extremely harmful factor in having a relationship or maintaining one.

Exhibit A

It was the summer of 2005 at this club with a very unfortunate name, Day After. The name of the club was not an auspicious sign because I had plenty to regret the day after.

Three of my girlfriends and I were there to dance and mingle. After rounds of dancing and drinking, I came across this wonderful gentleman. He was tall, dark, and had just the proper amount of facial hair. He was a med student at UCLA where I received my bachelor’s degree. He was cute, charming, funny and nerdy. And this perfect guy wanted to buy me drinks. We took at least two shots of Patron, if I remember correctly. But I was not drunk or disoriented. I thought I was rather funny and flirtatious in a classy way.

I excused myself to use the ladies room to check and see if my face got too red from drinking. My girlfriends thought he was cute and nice, too. I thought to myself, “Perfect. The night is going so well.”

As we walked back to our seats, I was shocked by five scary-looking Asian chicks who rushed towards me and proceeded to pull my hair. After taking some beating and hair-pulling, I regrouped and decided to beat up at least one of them up. So I reached for the first person I could grab and punched her. It turned out it was my poor friend Tiffany, who broke into the group to give me a hand. Rather than being appreciative for her help, I hit my poor, sweet friend over and over.

To this day, I have no idea what I did to trigger those scary women to beat me up.

After security guards dispersed us, I saw the cute med student in the corner with his jaw dropped and eyes wide open. His eyes said, “I’d better run away from that crazy woman as quickly as possible.”

Even with my disheveled hair and bloody nose, I wanted to run to him and explain that I did not initiate the fight and had no idea how it started, but he disappeared quickly.

He’s better known as “the one who got away” among my girlfriends and me.

Exhibit B

Back in January, I went on a date with a 25-year-old gentleman. Let’s call him Bob. Bob was younger, seemingly inexperienced and timid. After a boring dinner and even more boring trip to a café for dessert, we decided to hit a local bar.

Two shots of Patron and some beer opened him up. It turned out that under the influence of alcohol, he wasn’t so dull and boring. He was funny and spontaneous.

After our fourth shot, I began to lose it. I was slurring and walking funny. So was he. We ended up going back to his place after the binge-drinking session. My date, his friends and I passed out in his living room. During that night, I had a dream that I threw up in some random guy’s bathroom. It turned out it wasn’t a dream.

Bob told me he found a piece of spinach by the toilet and emphasized there was a lot of 409 cleaning action after I left.

Covered in shame, I told myself I should be banned from drinking Patron and going on dates ever again.

Exhibit C

Seven months later, I forgot how dangerous Patron was. Last Saturday, I was on a date with this wonderful guy. He was funny, well educated, successful and Korean. I could almost hear my mother, Mrs. Jeong, screaming out in joy that I should marry him.

We had a great dinner, delicious wine and even more enticing conversation. Then, this perfect guy wanted to have shots of Patron with me. I never fell for guys’ tricks to get me drunk, thanks to my Korean, alcohol-tolerant genes. But I decided that a couple of shots of Patron wouldn’t be too bad.

The next morning, we both woke up thinking, “Where are we? And how did we get here?” I lost my car/house keys, and he was wearing my pajamas with pink Eiffel Tower prints.

Not that I would tell this story to my mother, it’s pretty clear a nice, perfect husband-material guy would certainly not marry a girl who gets hammered on the first date. I suppose I won’t be seeing him again.

So if you are a single girl or guy looking for the other half, stay away from Patron. Better yet, tell yourself that no more than two drinks are allowed on the first date. If you feel the need to have wine as your ego-booster, he or she may not be the right fit for you.

According to my friends who have maintained successful relationships over the years or are even married, they said it felt right from the first time they met. They didn’t need alcohol or any type of substance to make themselves feel comfortable. Damn bastards.

In the meantime, if you are looking for the other half and are single like me, let’s go and get drinks without having the pressure of coming off as a proper girl or well-mannered guy.

To reach columnist Helen Jeong, click here.



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