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Hello, I Am An Ex Addict

Kelly Baron |
July 12, 2010 | 1:01 p.m. PDT

Staff Reporter

Heartbreak. (Creative Commons)
Heartbreak. (Creative Commons)
If you had the opportunity to look back on all of the text messages and voicemails you’ve sent to one (or several) of your ex-lovers, would you? Or would you cower in shame, hoping to continue to suppress all memory of that kind of breakup behavior? I know I would certainly belong to the latter category.
   
Based on a study released Friday, college students going through breakups exhibit several of the same neurological reactions as coke addicts when brought face-to-face with their addiction. This means craving, motivation and physical pain. Put simply: breakups hurt.
   
But why does it feel like such the epic tragedy when the inevitable breakup happens? And what is it about the ex-lover that is so appealing to our broken hearts? Maybe it isn’t the actual person—the split happened for a reason, and we may not have the desire to completely revert back to the relationship—but more so our clouded memories of him or her. How much of our longing for past lovers is due to their real personalities versus our fantasies of them?
   
Our basic human desire for companionship is never stronger than after a breakup, which I think anyone will be able to confirm. We all have stressful and high-pressure situations to face on a daily basis—making money, paying bills, following our dreams, facing the ever-present possibility of failure—and having someone to share this burden with, even if done so silently, helps immensely with lessening the pressure we put on ourselves. High on intimacy, we momentarily forget about what may or may not be in our futures. And when the boy/girlfriend splits, so does our high. All aspects of reality seem to crash down on us at once, reminding us not only of the pressures we felt before, but that we are yet again facing them alone.
   
And how often after a breakup do you find yourself questioning your self-worth? Perhaps another reason for our feeling addicted to our exes is that the people who were so attracted to us had a change of heart, which often leads to our questioning what it was about ourselves that led to it. And when selective memory kicks in, allowing us to convince ourselves that the past was indeed a better time in our lives, the fact that we can never have that time back makes it all the more alluring.
   
But a professor associated with the study affirms that breakups are meant to be painful for the sake of our future relationships. One man from the study apparently called back to say that he believed the exercise (staring at pictures of your ex while counting backward from 8,211—in 7s!) to be enlightening and helpful.
   
I have to admit that I believe the ability to enjoy solitude is strengthening and important. When we’re brought back to the essence of ourselves as individuals, without any outside romantic influence, we are reminded of what other elements in life (besides a partner) bring us enjoyment and peace. If the level exists where we can somehow successfully balance who we are with whom we love, maybe that’s what’s considered romantic bliss. For now, I’ll continue to wonder, confused and entangled in this emotional merry-go-round.

 

To reach reporter Kelly Baron, click here.



 

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