(IMDB)

The best way to describe Percy Jackson and the Olympians: the Lightning Thief is that it made me slink out after the film with the brim of my hat pulled low hoping to flee the premises as incognito as possible. I was shamed, I couldn't bear the thought of other moviegoers snickering at my perceived childish tastes. After all, I can't exclaim as I exit, "I saw the movie to review it for a class! Don't judge me with your piercing eyes!" 

Unlike the trend in kids movies nowadays that offer varying degrees of cinematic experience regardless of age, this movie aimed at young adolescents was unsubstantial and lacking any depth.

In ancient Greek mythology, the gods would mate with mortals and produce demi-gods. As the king of gods, Zeus forbade the gods from contact with their offspring lest they get too attached. In this movie based off the first of a series of popular novels by Rick Riordan, Percy Jackson is one such demi-god, the son of Poseidon, yet he is unaware of his situation until Zeus' lightning bolt is missing and he becomes the prime suspect, triggering a chain of events that set the story in motion. Ultimately, Percy has 14 days to return the bolt or Zeus will wage war causing devastation on earth.

Before the adventure kicks off, the audience is supposed to feel sympathetic towards Percy (played by Logan Lerman) as the dyslexic and ADHD-riddled student. We're supposed to like him because he doesn't fight and his best friend, Grover, is black. We're on his side because his stepfather, Gabe, is out of central casting. He smacks Percy's mom's rear, wants beer and gives Percy a hard time in between poker games with the guys.  I found this adolescent angst generated out of the usual suspects of variables incorporated by films to be especially cheesy. The movie was fantasy-adventure with a dose of troubled child from formulaic family sitcom.

Percy must confront Hades, played by the miscast and otherwise geeky Steve Coogan, in the underworld and his trekking buddies include Grover and a girl he has the hots for, Annabeth. She's a firecracker who hangs tough with the boys. The film expands on that archetype like a dead snail. 

The trek to the underworld is a treacherous one where the trio encounter a lot of CGI bad guys as well as Medusa (Uma Thurman). All the while, the gang is driving cross-country accumulating two counts of grand theft auto without consequence. Not to mention the happy go lucky attitude despite fighting horrific, they-will-institutionalize-you type monsters.

Grover's role is to serve as Percy's protector. A task that he was clandestinely carrying out even before Percy knew of his own line of descent. To the audience, Grover's role was to drop one-liners like it was the only reason for him to be in the film. All the zingers that are funny to 6th graders were delivered by Grover, who distractingly looked like the actor/rapper, Mos Def's younger brother.

What was worthwhile was literally watching Pierce Brosnan cash a check on-screen. He plays Percy's teacher as well as a centaur. This guy used to be freaking James Bond! I wish I could have been there after he's done reading the script and thinks aloud, "I'd like to play a half-man, half-horse."

That's one of the faults of these movies; after a while all the actors accents seem the same, and their costumes, faces, and beards blend into one another. After a while, on screen it's not an actor playing Zeus or Poseidon, but rather an actor playing a mold that fits into the larger archetype of these types of films.

Undoubtedly this film will be compared to the Harry Potter films. Columbus directed the first two Harry Potter movies and was most likely brought on board Percy Jackson to kick off another franchise. In reviewing the film, considering what it's trying emulate, I am not the target audience and maybe I just don't get it. Harry Potter is a massive success about nerdy kids flying on broomsticks, which has no appeal to me whatsoever and maybe Percy Jackson will mirror that success despite my disregard for it.

Percy Jackson is ultimately the kids version, artistically, of "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys" and "Xena: Warrior Princess"- right down to fighting a group of bad guys, one bad guy at a time. Maybe the movie works if you think Lerman is hot: I don't. But if Rosario Dawson was the lead then I would have bought the books, camped out opening night, and not worn a concealing hat. Or at least written a different review.