Having only spotted celebrity offspring in London (yes, that includes Lily Allen, the idiot Geldof sisters, Kelly Osbourne - the list goes on), I figured I'd see the real deal in L.A. After all, this is home to Hollywood and "The Hills."

When I moved to Celebsville Central a month ago, my first task was to make a trip to The Grove, which my L.A. guide book described as a "celebrity mall."  Dressed in a chic short dress and heels, sporting a "just-rolled-out-of-bed" hairstyle (tres Californian, no?), I headed down in a cab, eagerly anticipating be thrown into a gulf of superstars all happily co-existing in the retail sanctity of The Grove. 

After purchasing an iPhone, the phone de-rigueur of all famous people, I touched up my make-up (just in case I bumped into a hot young actor) and stomped out in my heels. Whilst scoping out the venue from behind my oversized sunglasses, my heart skipped a beat as I walked past a café and thought I saw my current celeb-crush, Shia LaBeouf.  After walking subtly past him a few times and checking Perez Hilton on my new iPhone, I realized it was just another scruffy guy with a cap drinking a smoothie, because Shia was actually in NYC.

Celebrities are like four-leaf clovers, except that they don't necessarily bring luck, usually just bad acting.  You'll never find one if you look for it. My first celebrity sighting followed this rule. After waking up early on a Saturday morning and deciding to get breakfast in my pajamas and not a scrap of makeup, I saw Justin Chambers at a gorgeous little French café on Larchmont. (Who? That bloke from "Grey's Anatomy." Seriously. And I don't even watch "Grey's Anatomy.")

I'm learning a lesson from other Californians. Celebspotting is silly, childish and two-thousand-and-late. Real Californians know that to meet other celebrities, you have to be a celebrity yourself, hence the multitude of lithe, tanned wannabes with which this city is overstuffed. 

So on that note, I'm available for any parties, red carpets, reality shows (I can take LC's place on "The Hills"!) and promotional opportunities. Also, hit me up on twitter, because I'm going to be one of those down-to-earth celebs that interacts with my fans. Peace, y'all.